Keep saying no

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am much older than my step-siblings and half-siblings. I also had several lucky breaks that landed me financially secure at a pretty young age (plus, no college debt). My younger step-siblings on my mother’s side weren’t that lucky. When my stepfather died, he didn’t leave a lot behind. His ex doesn’t make a lot, and that left my two step siblings staring down serious loans to even go to community college. I covered the costs until they got their associate’s degrees and helped out with some living expenses. We grew up together. On my father’s side, I have my 18-year-old half-sister Molly. Her parents have spoiled her most of life. She got a brand-new car when she turned 16.

Because of the pandemic, my father lost a lot of business and his wife got laid off. There was a lot of belt tightening over the last year. Molly called me for the first time in months to ask for an “advance” on “her” money. When she graduates next May, she wants to go on her expensive gap year with her friends. (Her parents promised her, but don’t have the funds anymore.) I paid for college for my step-siblings even after they “weren’t family anymore,” so I owed her the same, she claimed. After all, we are “actually” related. I told Molly she had a lot of nerve to even compare the situations (community college is not a trip to Bali), and I was disappointed in her lack of empathy and sheer greed. She was not going to get a single cent out of me, so it would be better if we stop the conversation and drop the subject.

Molly didn’t drop the subject. Instead she went straight to her parents crying and lying. Now both of them are pressuring me (it is the first time I can remember my father’s wife calling me in years). Molly has had it so “hard” this last year and “deserves” a trip. Why am I playing favorites? I finally told my father if Molly was so desperate to go, she should sell her car or take it out of her college fund. Or Molly could get a part-time job like every other teenager ever. My money was mine. Not Molly’s.

I fear this will damage my relationship with my father. He wasn’t much in my life as a kid but we got closer as adults. How can I handle this?

— Bailing on Bali

charlotte989875

You’re not “bailing” because you never said you’d fund her year long Instagram trip. Look, this year sucked for A LOT of people. There are so many people that deserve a break that aren’t getting one. But that doesn’t obligate you to pay anything for her. 

Also it’s gross for her to say your step-siblings aren’t family anymore. 

banana468

You handle it by keeping your bank account information private.  The sheer gall of someone to compare financing a gap year to education tells me that no one in there is dealing with any kind of reality or form of consequences in that home. 

If the LW is truly interested in helping Molly then she can sit down with Molly to develop a plan about when Molly goes to school itself.  But she needs to be clear that her assisting the step siblings never was and never will be some kind of financial gift upon reaching the age of 18. 

flantastic

Why does everyone know that LW financed her step-siblings? Hot damn I know that sometimes keeping money troubles silent causes problems but there really was no need for this arrangement to be known to Molly in the first place.

That said, it's not LW's fault that this side of her family has no grasp on reality and a firm grasp on entitlement.

short+sassy

Assuming the LW can afford it and is willing, they should tell Molly and the parents that they will absolutely help Molly in the same way.  When she starts college or a trade school, they will help with the tuition/living expenses.  But they never paid for a trip for their step-siblings and they aren't going to do that for Molly either.

Additional advice for the LW.  Assuming Molly does start school at some point in time, any financial help should be paid directly to the provider instead of to Molly directly.  She doesn't sound responsible enough yet to handle the temptation of money being handed directly to her.  

levioosa

LW mentions they weren’t close to their father in their youth. I can’t help but feel like there is a manipulative closeness now that LW is an adult and has been funding the family, if she’s worried that a healthy and reasonable boundary will damage the relationship. 

ei34

Ew Molly and her parents suck.  LW owes her absolutely nothing!  I feel bad that their relationship with their father may suffer here.

banana468

short+sassy said:

Assuming the LW can afford it and is willing, they should tell Molly and the parents that they will absolutely help Molly in the same way.  When she starts college or a trade school, they will help with the tuition/living expenses.  But they never paid for a trip for their step-siblings and they aren't going to do that for Molly either.

Additional advice for the LW.  Assuming Molly does start school at some point in time, any financial help should be paid directly to the provider instead of to Molly directly.  She doesn't sound responsible enough yet to handle the temptation of money being handed directly to her.  

Totally agree that should LW ever agree to help that the checks are written to the school and not to Molly.  

MyNameIsNot

flantastic said:

Why does everyone know that LW financed her step-siblings? Hot damn I know that sometimes keeping money troubles silent causes problems but there really was no need for this arrangement to be known to Molly in the first place.

That said, it's not LW's fault that this side of her family has no grasp on reality and a firm grasp on entitlement.

This! People are way too quick to share unnecessary financial details, especially with family. That side of LW's family didn't need to know what was going on with the step siblings on the other side.

My extended family does this so much. My cousins on that side are all in their 20s now and have so much drama with judgment and jealousy because none of them know how to STFU and keep their business to themselves. 

MesmrEwe

Yea - Molly needs to have the CTJ...  Sadly, I've seen it a lot with some people in recent years.. "Mommy/Daddy PROMISED to pay for my college if I got good grades in school! (so choose a super spendy school across the country/world instead of the State College the parents were thinking)" and then the parents get hit with their own financial reality the past couple years because of shut-downs and economy down-turns and the kids throw the biggest tantrums reminiscent of a 3-year old until the parents cave to their own financial demise instead of "I can afford this level tuition, anything above that is your responsibility!" or "Gap year trip can't happen, how does a two-week trip sound??"...  But most of all, LW should have NEVER been brought into this - EVER at ANY point!  It's a year-long vacation, not an associates degree that will qualify Molly for anything functional in life.  Molly sounds like a peach - bless her little ole heart for trying though...