Bride refuses marriage over guest list?

knottie8393fe0def7dce28

Hello everybody. I would have never imagined our guest list would halt our marriage plans like this.

To summarize a very long story short… my future bride now doesn’t want to get married if two of my invitees (both female) go because according to her… those two friends of mine “wanted me to cheat on her with them”.

That is something that is just not true. Neither them nor I have ever felt romantically in either direction and we’ve been just friends for years before my fiancé and I met.

What did happen, however, was a period where my friends despised my fiancé back in high school because they thought she was too arrogant and they would talk bad about her.

Now, my fiancé told me “either they don’t go or I won’t have a wedding”.

What am I supposed to do here?

They’ve been my friends since before I met my fiancé and although yes they had their “fights” back in High School I’m not happy just taking them out.

Also interesting to note how my fiancé’s family has been absolutely toxic towards us since day 1 but I didn’t reject them on her wedding list. I accepted them out of respect for my fiancé but apparently “they’re family so they have to go” but my friends can’t.

What a mess.

MesmrEwe

Well - only you can for certain decide...  This is a "Hill to Die On" for her.  OTOH, it's both of your wedding day.  There's some red flags to be had for both of you, and a discussion that's important to have for the two of you at the end of the day and make a proper decision no matter the outcome.  If it can't be reconciled for whatever reason, know that cancelling a wedding is still cheaper than filing for divorce, or the impact to your lives of marrying someone you can't work out differences with as there are FAR bigger life issues that you'll be facing.  

Is it possible that your FI hasn't moved past what happened in High School (not good nor bad nor passing judgment, I can safely say though there are a few people in this world that I'd rather skip an event than be attending with said people at the event, not a high school thing, just a personality thing)?  If you can't reconcile the guest list what happens when it's bigger issues that take place in marriage?  There's a time to compromise and a time to pay attention to warnings.  

No matter the outcome of your decision, if you do decide to continue, and even for really strong couples this is recommended, take Marriage Prep Classes through either a Marriage and Family Counselor (Most offer a reasonable package for this as it's easier to cover topics BEFORE couples get married than deal with the ramifications of not having discussed those topics prior to marriage!), or through your church, or know that some churches open this up to couples not part of the parish (our church offered it to non-practicing couples because of the greater issue of wanting couples to succeed in marriage)...  Put as much or more time in to planning the marriage as you are the wedding!

climbingsingle

knottie8393fe0def7dce28 said:

Hello everybody. I would have never imagined our guest list would halt our marriage plans like this.

To summarize a very long story short… my future bride now doesn’t want to get married if two of my invitees (both female) go because according to her… those two friends of mine “wanted me to cheat on her with them”.

That is something that is just not true. Neither them nor I have ever felt romantically in either direction and we’ve been just friends for years before my fiancé and I met.

What did happen, however, was a period where my friends despised my fiancé back in high school because they thought she was too arrogant and they would talk bad about her.

Now, my fiancé told me “either they don’t go or I won’t have a wedding”.

What am I supposed to do here?

They’ve been my friends since before I met my fiancé and although yes they had their “fights” back in High School I’m not happy just taking them out.

Also interesting to note how my fiancé’s family has been absolutely toxic towards us since day 1 but I didn’t reject them on her wedding list. I accepted them out of respect for my fiancé but apparently “they’re family so they have to go” but my friends can’t.

What a mess.

Now granted, I've been out of high school for a long time, but I honestly can't imagine holding that much of a grudge. I dated a guy I went to HS with 10 years after we graduated. I had thought some of his friends (girls included) didn't like me. But I was open to spending time with them, and they became some of my best friends. 

There are definitely some serious red flags here. It seems like she doesn't want them to come because she thinks they have romantic feelings towards you? This could be her not trusting you. 
I also think it's concerning that she's giving you an ultimatum. You absolutely should go to couple's counseling BEFORE you get married. 

MyNameIsNot

knottie8393fe0def7dce28 said:

Hello everybody. I would have never imagined our guest list would halt our marriage plans like this.

To summarize a very long story short… my future bride now doesn’t want to get married if two of my invitees (both female) go because according to her… those two friends of mine “wanted me to cheat on her with them”.

That is something that is just not true. Neither them nor I have ever felt romantically in either direction and we’ve been just friends for years before my fiancé and I met.

What did happen, however, was a period where my friends despised my fiancé back in high school because they thought she was too arrogant and they would talk bad about her.

Now, my fiancé told me “either they don’t go or I won’t have a wedding”.

What am I supposed to do here?

They’ve been my friends since before I met my fiancé and although yes they had their “fights” back in High School I’m not happy just taking them out.

Also interesting to note how my fiancé’s family has been absolutely toxic towards us since day 1 but I didn’t reject them on her wedding list. I accepted them out of respect for my fiancé but apparently “they’re family so they have to go” but my friends can’t.

What a mess.

Call off the wedding. If you haven't figured out how to work through something like this as a couple, you are not ready to get married. 

Frankly, you both sound immature and self centered in this. This conflict is pretty minor in the grand scheme of what you'll encounter in marriage. If she's ready to pull the plug over this, there's no way you're going to be able to work through life's bigger challenges. 

banana468

I definitely think your communication issues in this are far too great for you to continue planning this wedding.

downtondiva

The two of you are not ready to get married. She clearly does not trust you, and if you two can't resolve a conflict over two wedding guests, how are you going to be able to get past disagreements on bigger issues?

charlotte989875

Did these women bully her when she was in high school? If so I can see why she doesn’t want them anywhere near your wedding. 

If not- how much is having these 2 people at your wedding worth? Are they worth you relationship? Your marriage? Neither of you get to dictate the guest list but it sounds like there’s a history with these people that make her uncomfortable. Is it worth having them there to make your future wife that uncomfortable on her wedding day? 

Similarly I think she’s being ridiculous saying they wanted you to cheat with them. Unless you’ve given her a reason you would take them up on the offer I think she’s being unfair to you. Does she trust you not to cheat? Can you live with a marriage to someone who feels that way? 

There are a lot of questions here beyond whether these two women should get an invite.