Dear Prudence,
I recently discovered that my boyfriend of almost two years, Adam, was stalking me for over a year before we met. For context: This is the best relationship I’ve ever had and until recently, I would have told you that Adam was perfect for me. He is thoughtful, funny, caring, and so supportive. I was violently abused growing up and all my relationships before Adam were with guys who hit me too—Adam has never been violent and encouraged me to see a therapist last year to help me through my trauma and internalized homophobia (I’m a gay man). Therapy went well, and it meant the world to me how kind and supportive Adam was throughout.
We moved in together quite recently.
It was when I was on his computer to print something that I found a file with my name in it. (I did a search for my full name to quickly find the document I had sent over to print, and this other one came up as buried within some folder of Adam’s.) The document had last been edited in 2019, before we met. I opened it, and felt like I’d stepped into a horror movie. It was full of information about me: jobs, hobbies, friends, ex-boyfriends, favorite coffee shop (the place where we officially “met” in what seemed to me like a cute coincidence). More chillingly, it contained details of my addresses and my ex-boyfriend’s address. Adam walked in on me looking at it, and I just started yelling at him, demanding to know what the hell this was. He stalled for a while, then admitted everything. He had first seen me playing piano at a jazz bar he likes (I’m a musician), but I’d blow him off when he tried to talk to me there (I had a boyfriend at the time). He said he “couldn’t get me out of his head” and ended up wanting to know more about me after seeing me there every week, so started following me. He claims it started innocently enough with standard social media “stalking” but “just sort of escalated.” He said he had never been this obsessive about anyone else, which I think I believe as I’ve met his ex and they’re on perfectly cordial terms (his ex was friendly and certainly didn’t mention anything along the lines of “by the way, he stalked me”).
I was deeply freaked out and panicked but Adam persuaded me to stay, currently sleeping in separate rooms because I feel so weird around him right now. I wanted to talk to a friend but he begged me not to, saying they wouldn’t understand and that my friends shouldn’t “get a vote in our relationship.” I know this is crazy of me but I am genuinely conflicted. I wish I’d never seen the document. I still love him more than anyone else I’ve ever known and honestly want to give him a chance, since he’s begged forgiveness and said he’ll do anything I want to prove himself trustworthy again. Is there anything he could do that would prove that? Am I being unbelievably stupid for even considering this not a deal-breaker? I feel trapped and slightly crazy right now. Please help.
— Am I Being Crazy?