Am I wrong?

knottie74a5d346bf06141e

My fiancee told his family, which equals 7 people that they can stay with us for our wedding. They are also bringing 5 dogs, one of which isn't housebroken. They didn't even ask if this was OK. I have a small house and am already stressed about the wedding. This is causing tension between me and my fiancee because I told him that its rude that his family thinks this is OK. I feel they should stay in hotels and board their animals for this type of occasion....any thoughts?

banana468

knottie74a5d346bf06141e said:

My fiancee told his family, which equals 7 people that they can stay with us for our wedding. They are also bringing 5 dogs, one of which isn't housebroken. They didn't even ask if this was OK. I have a small house and am already stressed about the wedding. This is causing tension between me and my fiancee because I told him that its rude that his family thinks this is OK. I feel they should stay in hotels and board their animals for this type of occasion....any thoughts?

My thought is that you have a communication issue with your FI.  

Was there any discussion before this happened?  Did the family ask your FI's permission?  Do you two live together?  If this was something granted and you were left out of the discussion and permission was either requested or the home was extended without your consent then it's not the future ILs that are the major issue. 

CharmedPam

You’re not wrong.  As a family member of anyone getting married I wouldn’t even think of staying with them. But I agree with @banana468 that this is a communication issue and you should talk to your FI to stop this kinda stuff from happening in the future. 

Casadena

It's not rude that they think it's ok because your FI TOLD them it was ok. I personally wouldn't ask someone to stay during their wedding, but if that's the relationship they have it's fine to ask.  It's on your FI to discuss with you and come to a decision.  This is on your FI, not his family.  

But yes it's crazy to have that many people and pets staying with you during your wedding, in my opinion. 

flantastic

Thoughtlessness is not a crime, although it can be a red flag. If your FI genuinely didn't realize that this would be a concern for you when he said yes, then, oh well.

The key is what he does once you communicate to him how much this stresses you out and that you're not okay with it (and I know you think you have communicated it to him, but you have to be sure he actually understands what you are thinking and feeling).

If he says, "Well I already said yes and they'll be mad if I go back on it now" (prioritizing them over you) or "This isn't really a big deal, it'll be fine" (dismissing your needs) or "I don't need to ask you before I do something like this" (dismissing your partnership), none of those are okay. He needs to be willing to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was such a big deal, I will tell them that I was mistaken and they'll need to stay elsewhere."

And you need to be able to tell him that that is what needs to happen, in addition to him discussing house guests with you in your shared house in the future before saying yes or no to them.

banana468

flantastic said:

Thoughtlessness is not a crime, although it can be a red flag. If your FI genuinely didn't realize that this would be a concern for you when he said yes, then, oh well.

The key is what he does once you communicate to him how much this stresses you out and that you're not okay with it (and I know you think you have communicated it to him, but you have to be sure he actually understands what you are thinking and feeling).

If he says, "Well I already said yes and they'll be mad if I go back on it now" (prioritizing them over you) or "This isn't really a big deal, it'll be fine" (dismissing your needs) or "I don't need to ask you before I do something like this" (dismissing your partnership), none of those are okay. He needs to be willing to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was such a big deal, I will tell them that I was mistaken and they'll need to stay elsewhere."

And you need to be able to tell him that that is what needs to happen, in addition to him discussing house guests with you in your shared house in the future before saying yes or no to them.

@flantastic has it.  I hope you're able to talk to your FI about this because it's a big deal and sets the tone for how you two handle things far beyond the wedding. 

short+sassy

Families have different dynamics, so it isn't necessarily rude of them to ask if this is the way they all usually do things.  Though anyone bringing a dog that isn't housebroken into someone else's home is incredibly inconsiderate.  I don't care what "the usual" is in the family.

However, it's also okay for you to say "no way".  It's unclear if your FI talked to you about this first.  If he didn't, that is a major conversation you all need to have about the kinds of decisions that need to be discussed by both of you.

But even if you initially, albeit reluctantly agreed, it's his responsibility to rescind the offer.  I assume this was done fairly recent, so it isn't too late for them to make other arrangements.  He can say something like, "Hey Fam, I'm so sorry about this, but I got carried away.  Especially with Knottie #s and I having so much going on for the wedding, we just can't have 7 extra people and 5 dogs staying in our home.  That isn't going to be comfortable for anyone."  He can then provide them with some hotel names, preferably that take pets.

Or maybe a compromise where one couple, maybe his parents, can stay with you all and their 1 or 2 dogs (housebroken only).  But that's up to the two of you.  It's also okay to decide on no one and no dogs.

downtondiva

To me, the issue isn't so much whether your FI's family is rude, it's that your FI told them it would be okay without consulting you first. That's a major communications problem right there.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that it was not okay for him to let them stay at your home without talking to you about it and how stressful you will find it to have that many people and their pets in the house at the same time when you are already busy and stressed (by the way, I love dogs, but I think not allowing someone to bring a dog that isn't housebroken into your home is a very reasonable boundary). Then you should tell him to go back to his family and explain that they need to find other accommodations. If he won't do any of this, he's not putting your needs first, which is something that needs to be addressed before you get married.

MyNameIsNot

You're not wrong to not want to host a house full of guests during your wedding weekend, but it's not necessarily rude of his family to want to stay if that's the norm in their family. 

The issue here is that he told them it would be ok without talking to you first. The conversation that you should be having with him is about being partners in your own home and not making unilateral decisions, not about who is rude. 

MesmrEwe

You're not wrong, @flantastic NAILED IT!, and BEYOND a shadow of a doubt, this is a boundary you need to set and set deep early!  SNS - this WILL happen again later in your relationship and if you aren't "pet people" the pets, especially the one not house trained, will be a FAR bigger issue than you realize, especially that many!  Time to have a talk with your FI because there's absent minded professor and some things need to be discussed before agreeing upon them!  You've got WAY too much going on to also play hostess to that many people in your small house AND their furry friends who your house I'm guessing IS NOT set up to handle.  Communication lines sometimes need to have boundaries attached to them and this is one of those times!

"We're sorry he said you could stay here the night before the wedding and the wedding night, we thought about it more, and the local Red-Roof has a pet-friendly policy and reasonable for accommodations!  There's just no way to fit everyone here comfortably and attend to the responsibilities we've got that weekend!" then BEAN DIP!!!!