Issue with Bridesmaid

knottie81a8310745c606ad

Hi all! 

I'm having an issue with one of my bridesmaids. We've known each other for several years and I was MOH in her wedding. Since that time, she's had four babies and moved a couple of times. We've stayed in pretty good touch over the years, and I've helped with moves and babies and such.

When I sent cards asking the girls to be bridesmaids, I ended up having to reach out to her several weeks later because I never heard anything from her about it. Since then, she's been replying less and less. 

My MOH threw my first bridal shower several weeks ago. She wasn't hearing from this bridesmaid regarding a rsvp, so I reached out and asked if she received the invite (a couple of people didn't). She said she had, but she and her mom were debating whether it was worth the drive (about 1.5 hours). She didn't come, and still never rsvp'd. 

Now she hadn't rsvp'd to the second shower or the Bachelorette party. She also didn't reply when my MOH reached out to her and she hasn't replied to any of the group chats in weeks. I have texted with her occasionally about non-wedding things. 

In addition, she has blown me off about picking up her dress three times now and she hasn't paid for it (I ordered all the girl's dresses at once so they'd come at the same time and be the same dye lot).

I'm at a loss of what to say to her. My wedding is three months away. If she doesn't want to be in bridal party/can't make it happen, that's fine...I just want to know.

What do I say???

ILoveBeachMusic

I think you need to check in with her about how she is doing. Maybe something is going on her life that is causing this behavior.  Do this by calling not texting This suppose to be an important person to you since you asked her to be in your wedding. She deserves a phone call. Did she actually agree to be a bridesmaid? If sending a card to ask her was the only way you contacted her, that was a mistake. You should have asked in person or at least in a phone call. 

knottie81a8310745c606ad

I've talked to her on the phone several times (about just life stuff), drove down to spend time with her and her family a couple months ago, and I also video called her after sending the card (she seemed happy to be a bridesmaid). I do my best to check in, but she hasn't mentioned anything. 

I'm trying very hard to not "overload" my bridesmaids with wedding things because that's not fair to them and they have their own lives. But the only times she's unresponsive is when it's in the wedding group chat or an invitation or someone reaches out to her directly about it. 

ILoveBeachMusic

knottie81a8310745c606ad said:

I've talked to her on the phone several times (about just life stuff), drove down to spend time with her and her family a couple months ago, and I also video called her after sending the card (she seemed happy to be a bridesmaid). I do my best to check in, but she hasn't mentioned anything. 

I'm trying very hard to not "overload" my bridesmaids with wedding things because that's not fair to them and they have their own lives. But the only times she's unresponsive is when it's in the wedding group chat or an invitation or someone reaches out to her directly about it. 

Well then, take her at her word that she will be a bridesmaid. She isn't obligated to do anything but show up to your wedding. If she doesn't rsvp for stuff that is on her not you. Let it go, have your favorite beverage and favorite snack. There is nothing else you can do.

ILoveBeachMusic

knottie81a8310745c606ad said:

Hi all! 

I'm having an issue with one of my bridesmaids. We've known each other for several years and I was MOH in her wedding. Since that time, she's had four babies and moved a couple of times. We've stayed in pretty good touch over the years, and I've helped with moves and babies and such.

When I sent cards asking the girls to be bridesmaids, I ended up having to reach out to her several weeks later because I never heard anything from her about it. Since then, she's been replying less and less. 

My MOH threw my first bridal shower several weeks ago. She wasn't hearing from this bridesmaid regarding a rsvp, so I reached out and asked if she received the invite (a couple of people didn't). She said she had, but she and her mom were debating whether it was worth the drive (about 1.5 hours). She didn't come, and still never rsvp'd. 

Now she hadn't rsvp'd to the second shower or the Bachelorette party. She also didn't reply when my MOH reached out to her and she hasn't replied to any of the group chats in weeks. I have texted with her occasionally about non-wedding things. 

In addition, she has blown me off about picking up her dress three times now and she hasn't paid for it (I ordered all the girl's dresses at once so they'd come at the same time and be the same dye lot).

I'm at a loss of what to say to her. My wedding is three months away. If she doesn't want to be in bridal party/can't make it happen, that's fine...I just want to know.

What do I say???

JIC

climbingsingle

knottie81a8310745c606ad said:

I've talked to her on the phone several times (about just life stuff), drove down to spend time with her and her family a couple months ago, and I also video called her after sending the card (she seemed happy to be a bridesmaid). I do my best to check in, but she hasn't mentioned anything. 

I'm trying very hard to not "overload" my bridesmaids with wedding things because that's not fair to them and they have their own lives. But the only times she's unresponsive is when it's in the wedding group chat or an invitation or someone reaches out to her directly about it. 

Re: the bolded. Why are you having 2 showers and expecting your bridal party to show up at both? That to me right there seems like an overload. 

MyNameIsNot

Did you talk to her and ask her if she wanted to be a bridesmaid, or did you just send an impersonal card in the mail and assume she'd say yes? Did you ask her how much she would be comfortable spending on a bridesmaid dress? Did she have any input into the style you selected? 

This really seems like there is a lot of wedding things going on (multiple showers, a b-party, and group chats are a lot). She may have personal or financial issues that make her not want to be a bridesmaid, or she may just be overwhelmed by all of it, especially considering she's in a different town and has four babies.

At this point, there's not much you can do. If she wants to be a bridesmaid, she needs to get the dress and be there on the day. If she doesn't, she won't. 

MesmrEwe

I'd say at this point, don't get uptight about it. 

Now, if it's a two weeks out from your wedding and you haven't heard from her in regard to how many will be attending the reception itself, the BM dress is still hanging in your closet, and anyone's guess if it fits or not, THEN it's cause for being alarmed... And even then, I'd say let the detail go.  If she's questioning something being worth 3 hours in the car round trip, the question is whether or not it's the time or if it's the expense involved (a babysitter for 4 kids is NOT cheap/easy to find!)..  If it's the expense of it all, you have your answer, lighten up the expectations and realize you may be picking up the tab for the BM dress to have her there for the wedding itself.  To remove her would be a friendship ending move, if she backs out on her own independent of anything to do with you, it becomes your choice.  

banana468

I think you need to have an honest talk with her but also see how things are going.  Tell her she was missed at those events not because of an obligation but because you wanted to see her.

But with FOUR (FOUR!!!) kids, she likely has a lot on her plate.  So consider asking how that's going.  

What I can tell you is that as a mom of unvaccinated kids, I'm not going out of my way to attend a lot of unmasked events with people of unknown status when even in my vaccinated state I could bring the coronavirus into my home.  Maybe things are different for her but if my kids are exposed to the virus then they quarantine for 10 days.  That's up to 8 days of missed school classes, missed extracurricular activities, etc.  I HAVE to put them first when I consider my extra activities when this is what an exposure could bring.  

Did you ask her to be a BM on the phone?  Did you ask for a budget privately?  Did you ask how big her plate is and if it's too full?  There's obviously a chance that the issue is on her end but is the other issue that there were some missed opportunities for conversation that could have cleared up some of what is ambiguous?  Pick up the phone and rather than sound demanding, just feel her out and see if right now she's just overwhelmed.

downtondiva

Despite what you may think about what it means to be a bridesmaid, she's not obligated to attend the pre-wedding events. It's not easy to get out of the house on your own when you have 4 kids, and the expense of these events, the dress, and potentially childcare may just be too much (you say you're trying not to overload the bridesmaids, but 2 showers and a bachelorette party and the wedding is still a few months away? And you expect them to show up for all these things?). 

I'm not excusing her blowing you/the other bridesmaids off - if she can't make it to an event, she should take a moment to let you know that. But I can't help thinking that this is all just too much for her that this moment in her life. I suggest you call (don't text) and have a frank but kind conversation where you mention that she's been disengaged and ask if everything is okay. Gently remind her that she needs to get the dress by x date.

Whatever she tells you, I think it's important that you take the pressure off and assure her that she doesn't need to attend these events just because she's a bridesmaid. If she still says it's too much/she can't do it anymore, take it with good grace and let her know you hope she'll still be at the wedding as a guest. And if she doesn't get the dress on time, you'll have to decide whether you're okay with her standing up there in something else or not. 

charlotte989875

Not RSVPing is rude, IMO but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid or that she won’t show up. 

As long as she knows when/ where to pick up the stress and where she has to be at the wedding, leave the wedding talk at that.