Dear Prudence,
My mom and I have always had a rather strained relationship. After my dad passed away, we ultimately got closer (especially after not living together). For the past three years, my now husband and I have lived in the condo she owns. She went to live with my brother three years ago to help care for my young nephew. She offered us to live at the condo, as long as we took care of rent and association dues. She takes care of bigger needs (i.e. like a landlord would do).
The biggest issue I face is that while we do pay for the mortgage, and general upkeep of the home, it still feels like we’re living with her. She will occasionally stay overnight, ask to stop by to pick something up or hang out, or occasionally show up hours before she was expected, walking in during certain private situations …
On one hand, I absolutely appreciate all she has done for my husband and me. She helped us pay for our wedding, takes care of the big needs at the condo, will treat us to lunch, let me borrow her car or offer a ride (we have just one car), etc. But also, as a married woman whose husband is having a VERY difficult time with this, I am stuck in the middle.
Ideally, I’d want to keep living here for the next year as we work to save money for our own home rather than pack up again. But how can I have a conversation with my mom about boundaries in the living space we pay for? I love and respect her, but I also need to be fair with my husband’s feelings. As he doesn’t feel he can live comfortably knowing she may stay the night or pop by unexpectedly. It causes a strain in our marriage. When I have tried to approach the subject about how often she is stopping by, she has pulled the victim card and calls me ungrateful. Prudence, please help me find the right words so that my mom understands we are living here with the understanding that it’s temporary, that it’s our space, and that we have to set boundaries.
— Stuck in the Middle