Wedding Woes

DTMFA

Dear Prudence,

I am a person who has a myriad of physical issues starting with migraine, vertigo, thyroiditis, mild OCD, ASD, and the occasional aches and pains that come along with age. I am not fit as I would like to be, but I cycle five days a week and do plenty of other chores around the house, all the while managing our toddler and my own work. None of this seems to be enough for my husband, however, who I have been married to for over five years. He is a gym freak and is borderline hypochondriac, although he refuses to acknowledge it. He is obviously muscular and fit and takes on at least 40 percent of the parenting duties.

My issue is this: He is constantly telling me I need to make time to get “fitter” (i.e. reduce weight). I have argued with him; tried explaining to him how slow my metabolism is and has been throughout my life, especially with my thyroid medication; I have begged him to stop hounding me; I have yelled at him. I have tried everything under the sun, including going to couples therapy (for some unresolved grief issues). Nothing has helped. I feel like I am being judged ridiculously with no merit and given absolutely no appreciation whatsoever for the effort I constantly put in. Yes, pregnancy has changed my body and my weight, but I only went up 15 pounds. He makes it seem like I am a beached whale. He looks at me disapprovingly when I am undressing and asks, is this fat or excess skin from the pregnancy?

I am defeated and hopelessly lost within myself. I have my own issues that I am tackling every minute of every day, and I don’t know how to handle this too. If I say I am getting a headache, his face completely changes and he immediately starts whining like a kid: When will you ever not have pain in your body? Every day it’s something or the other with you. I have tried to tell him I am human and every human has pain, but that’s not enough. He, on the other hand, will go to the doctor if he has a zit on his face lest it be a cancerous tumor. Help me explain to him one more time or at least help me deal with this so I can live with him without letting this get the better of me. Divorce or separation is not an option because I still do love him. He is an excellent father and dare I say a very responsible and loving person in general, except for this one issue. We almost never argue about anything else, and he is very attentive to all my other needs. Weight loss is like kryptonite to him.

— Fat as Hell

Re: DTMFA

  • This LW truly makes me sad.  Their marriage is clearly dysfunctional and he has body issues that he's taking out on LW.  And LW has their own issues, but being judged by your spouse about your postpartum body is so cruel that even a person who doesn't have body/mental health issues would struggle with it.  It also is upsetting they can't see a way out and seem to want to see the good in their H.  

    When your partner making comments about your body is the 'only' thing you argue about, it's everything in your relationship.  Also, what about your kid?  Is he going to be critical of their body?  He's also got issues with hypochondria which could impact how he manages parenting your child.  
    short+sassycharlotte989875VarunaTT
  • He’s absolutely going to inflict these issues on their child too. 
    MissKittyDangercharlotte989875VarunaTT
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Maybe solo counseling? I don't see how else to get you to see that divorcing an abusive asshole is the only option. 
    mrsconn23short+sassycharlotte989875VarunaTT
  • He takes on “at least 40%” of the childcare sutures. Tell him to take on more and then you’ll have time to get an attorney and divorce his ass. 

    You may still love him LW, but does he love you? As you are, not how he thinks you should be? 
    mrsconn23VarunaTT
  • If the OP isn't in a place yet where she will leave her H, I have a new conditioning game for her to try.

    She should one last time tell him that his comments about her weight/fitness are now off limits.  And that, in the future, every time he makes a comment like that her response will simply be, "Fuck you."  If their child is in the room or it is otherwise inappropriate to curse, she will say, "Flip you (or something like that)." 
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    MissKittyDangerVarunaTTMesmrEwe
  • The H is a condescending asshat and she's never going to leave him.  But an attitude like that is going to continue to the next generation and it's toxic.  
    climbingsingleMissKittyDangerVarunaTTMesmrEwe
  • LW needs to lose weight alright - what does the MFA weigh - that's the right amount to get rid of!!!!

    He ain't going to change and the comments are just going to continue to get snider...

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  • Let me get this straight... You work, Cycle 5 days a week, and chase around a small child? And he wants you to do more?!
    Also as someone with Hashimotos, does he realize the havoc thats wreaked daily on your body? I gained 25 lbs last year that is slowly coming off... I couldn't imagine going through all of this with someone unsupportive. 

    He's clearly NOT happy with himself or with you. I'd consider a trial separation and counseling for you both. 
    MesmrEweMissKittyDanger
  • Let me get this straight... You work, Cycle 5 days a week, and chase around a small child? And he wants you to do more?!
    Also as someone with Hashimotos, does he realize the havoc thats wreaked daily on your body? I gained 25 lbs last year that is slowly coming off... I couldn't imagine going through all of this with someone unsupportive. 

    He's clearly NOT happy with himself or with you. I'd consider a trial separation and counseling for you both. 
    Most can't fathom the energy sucking that Hashimotos or Hypothyroid is...
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