Bridesmaid costs becoming ridiculous

knottiebe9b469c64366d47

My future SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid earlier this year. The wedding is next year in June. I said yes! In her little “be my bridesmaid?” Letter she gave to all of us, she wrote, and I quote “overall your cost to be a bridesmaid will not be very much.” 

Well, that was a lie. It seems like everyday she finds new outfits for us to wear, new accessories, and now she wants to go to Vegas for her bachelorette party! When she first floated the Vegas idea, to be 100% honest, I was drunk. I said yes enthusiastically but now looking at all the costs, I’m balking. 

Here are the costs just for Vegas (9 people): 
Flight:~$370
Hotel:$46/person (share a bed with another) 
Karaoke: $34/person
Stratosphere: $28/person
Magic mountain: $14/person 
Customized cowboy boots: $275 

That gives us a grand total of $721/person. She hasn’t even mentioned the cost of food, drinks, Casinos, the actual party, and transportation. Having gone to Vegas before, I’m guessing that it’s going to end up costing roughly $1200 for a 2 night stay. 

Here’s the thing. I have rent, car payments, and have to get boarding for my 4 animals. I do have the money but I just know that if I go, I’ll regret it. It doesn’t even seem fun anymore. The bride did recently suggest renting a lake house as a cheaper option and I said we should do that instead. But she took a vote and the others said Vegas. 

Look. I’m 27. The bride and the other bridesmaids are barely 21. 3 of them aren’t even old enough to drink yet. When I picture this Vegas trip I see a money pit of me being the babysitter. I don’t want to share a bed with someone else. I would rather use that money and take a genuine vacation for myself. 

So, how do I drop out? Not just of the trip but I don’t want to be in the wedding party anymore. It’s becoming absolutely ridiculous how the bride is expecting us to spend so much money on the bachelorette party and the wedding. I already told my brother and he understands. 

MyNameIsNot

Just say no. For the party, you could easily say "I know I was excited about Vegas in the moment, but now that I'm sober and actually looking at the costs, I'm going to have to bow out. I'm sure you'll still have a blast without me!" For other stuff, you could do similar. "Yes, that jumpsuit is cute, but it's not something I'm willing to buy right now." You shouldn't tell her that you can't afford it (whether you can or not) because your finances are none of her business. Instead, just tell her that you're not going to spend that.

If you really want to drop out, just tell her that you've decided you'd rather be a guest and leave it at that.

geebee908

knottiebe9b469c64366d47 said:

My future SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid earlier this year. The wedding is next year in June. I said yes! In her little “be my bridesmaid?” Letter she gave to all of us, she wrote, and I quote “overall your cost to be a bridesmaid will not be very much.” 

Well, that was a lie. It seems like everyday she finds new outfits for us to wear, new accessories, and now she wants to go to Vegas for her bachelorette party! When she first floated the Vegas idea, to be 100% honest, I was drunk. I said yes enthusiastically but now looking at all the costs, I’m balking. 

Here are the costs just for Vegas (9 people): 
Flight:~$370
Hotel:$46/person (share a bed with another) 
Karaoke: $34/person
Stratosphere: $28/person
Magic mountain: $14/person 
Customized cowboy boots: $275 

That gives us a grand total of $721/person. She hasn’t even mentioned the cost of food, drinks, Casinos, the actual party, and transportation. Having gone to Vegas before, I’m guessing that it’s going to end up costing roughly $1200 for a 2 night stay. 

Here’s the thing. I have rent, car payments, and have to get boarding for my 4 animals. I do have the money but I just know that if I go, I’ll regret it. It doesn’t even seem fun anymore. The bride did recently suggest renting a lake house as a cheaper option and I said we should do that instead. But she took a vote and the others said Vegas. 

Look. I’m 27. The bride and the other bridesmaids are barely 21. 3 of them aren’t even old enough to drink yet. When I picture this Vegas trip I see a money pit of me being the babysitter. I don’t want to share a bed with someone else. I would rather use that money and take a genuine vacation for myself. 

So, how do I drop out? Not just of the trip but I don’t want to be in the wedding party anymore. It’s becoming absolutely ridiculous how the bride is expecting us to spend so much money on the bachelorette party and the wedding. I already told my brother and he understands. 

climbingsingle

knottiebe9b469c64366d47 said:

My future SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid earlier this year. The wedding is next year in June. I said yes! In her little “be my bridesmaid?” Letter she gave to all of us, she wrote, and I quote “overall your cost to be a bridesmaid will not be very much.” 

Well, that was a lie. It seems like everyday she finds new outfits for us to wear, new accessories, and now she wants to go to Vegas for her bachelorette party! When she first floated the Vegas idea, to be 100% honest, I was drunk. I said yes enthusiastically but now looking at all the costs, I’m balking. 

Here are the costs just for Vegas (9 people): 
Flight:~$370
Hotel:$46/person (share a bed with another) 
Karaoke: $34/person
Stratosphere: $28/person
Magic mountain: $14/person 
Customized cowboy boots: $275 

That gives us a grand total of $721/person. She hasn’t even mentioned the cost of food, drinks, Casinos, the actual party, and transportation. Having gone to Vegas before, I’m guessing that it’s going to end up costing roughly $1200 for a 2 night stay. 

Here’s the thing. I have rent, car payments, and have to get boarding for my 4 animals. I do have the money but I just know that if I go, I’ll regret it. It doesn’t even seem fun anymore. The bride did recently suggest renting a lake house as a cheaper option and I said we should do that instead. But she took a vote and the others said Vegas. 

Look. I’m 27. The bride and the other bridesmaids are barely 21. 3 of them aren’t even old enough to drink yet. When I picture this Vegas trip I see a money pit of me being the babysitter. I don’t want to share a bed with someone else. I would rather use that money and take a genuine vacation for myself. 

So, how do I drop out? Not just of the trip but I don’t want to be in the wedding party anymore. It’s becoming absolutely ridiculous how the bride is expecting us to spend so much money on the bachelorette party and the wedding. I already told my brother and he understands. 

Yikes, what a mess. Almost $300 for freaking cowboy boots to wear for the trip!? Also what's the attraction of wanting to go to Vegas when you're not even old enough to drink or gamble?? I don't get it. 

I'd just be upfront with her and tell her that while you're extremely touched by her asking you, you're going to have to drop out of the wedding. I do agree that maybe you shouldn't mention financial reasons, because I feel that then opens up a possible uncomfortable conversation. Other brides have posted here about their bridesmaids dropping due to costs only to then offer to pay for everything, or then have opinions about how they spend their money. Personally though, I would say that I couldn't swing any of it financially but that I'd be more than happy to be just a guest. 

banana468

I think you should be clear to her. Let her know that the costs are adding up and you'll need to bow out. 

Another way to handle it is to be clear about what your budget is:
"Hey SIL, the costs for the bachelorette and wedding are beyond my budget.  I'm thrilled for you and want to celebrate and before plans are booked I need to let you know that I may have to back out of attending the bachelorette and the wedding.   My budget for the bachelorette is $X and that needs to include the flights and transportation and food.  For any other expenses including the dresses my budget is $Y.  If this is an issue for you I understand and I'm more than happy to attend as a guest." 

Count me in though on MATCHING COWBOY BOOTS?? 

Casadena

If you're willing to do the BM dress and day of expenses it's also totally appropriate to tell her that "I am so excited for you to go to Vegas, unfortunately I won't be able to join for the bachelorette, but can't wait for the big day!".  Being a BM isn't all or nothing!  

Also totally fine to bow out completely if you want to and I personally would just be up front.  "unfortunately I wont' be able to swing all that's necessary to be a BM (if it's truly about cost).  Can't wait to celebrate with you on the day!"

short+sassy

$275 for customized cowboy boots was also my "WTF?!?!  NOPE!" moment.

I also don't understand Vegas being the bachelorette party choice if THREE of the WP members are under 21.  Not only no gambling, but they can't even be on the casino floor.  They can't get into any clubs and there are a lot of those in Vegas.  They wouldn't even be able to get into some of the shows.

And you know what will happen.  If three members of the BP can't do something, than probably none of you will.

I love me some Vegas.  But not if I had to go with people who couldn't gamble, couldn't go to bars, couldn't go to shows.

I know you don't want to disappoint your future SIL, but there is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend big money on luxuries you don't want or can't comfortably afford.  It's fine to tell her you can no longer make the Vegas trip.

As for the wedding expenses, they only thing you legit need to pay for is the BM's dress and she should have checked everyone's budget for that before choosing a dress.

You can do it one of two ways.  Set your boundaries for what you are willing to spend on what.  Let her know what they are and, if she is understanding and not upset, you might feel better about staying in the WP.  But if she isn't or you definitely want to drop out even if she would be understanding, then do that.    

MesmrEwe

Just say NO now!!!!  It's okay to set the boundary!  ...That said, need to work on the "When you're drunk is not the time to agree to ANYTHING!" factor in the future!

The bed sharing, custom boots, and really - prices have jumped for things like hotels, food, flights, rental car, etc. so your idea of $1200 is probably going to end up closer to $2k after all pennies are added up!  (The same hotel I travel for business a lot at a few years back was $97/night, now it's $180/night for the same room and fewer services!)..  The hotels in Vegas also get you on resort fees, and that stuff adds up!  As others said, if they're under 21, there are a number of activities that will be out in a hurry.  Trust your instinct, and bow out of Vegas early, it's not a matter of not wanting to go, it's a matter of smart financial planning...

ei34

I've declined a handful of destination bachelorettes and I am still friends with all but one of the brides (and that friend and I grew apart years after her wedding, unrelated to me not attending).  You're allowed to say no (and I definitely would in your case...who's doing the budgeting?  Like would you be allowed to trade in your $275 boots in exchange for a mattress to yourself?!)
It's of course tricky when it's not just a friend but your brother's future wife.  I'd without going into too much detail probably go with a "I gave it a second look and attending your BP and being a BM is out of my budget.  I'm so excited for the wedding though!".  And if she's understanding about it I'd probably take her out for a few drinks or a mani/pedi a few weeks before the wedding, so that you do get a chance to celebrate.  Good luck and 1000% bounce from that BP!  (When in doubt suggest that she should come here to ask questions, we'll help her)

Jen4948

Yeah, that cowboy boots cost would be a hard no for me.

I would tell the bride, "Although your plans sound like fun, unfortunately they are outside my budget. I can do A, B and C but I cannot do X, Y and Z. Can we adjust the plans accordingly?" If she says no, then I'd say, "Then, very sadly, I have no choice but to step down from the wedding party."

levioosa

Having been the older babysitter for a bunch of drunk 21 year olds in Vegas….don’t do it. The others have given great pointers.