Wedding Party

HELP. I was asked to be an attendant…

edited December 2021 in Wedding Party
A little backstory: I’ve known the bride for about 7 years now, we went to college together and became very close the last two years or so, we were even roommates. We graduated in 2018 & since then we don’t talk as much obviously, but I’ve still made the effort to see her for birthdays or girls weekends a few times a year. She lives 3 hours away. She was also a bridesmaid in my wedding. 

Recently she asked me to be her attendant in her upcoming wedding. I had mixed feelings when I saw “attendant” instead of bridesmaid on the card, but I pretended to be excited and said yes without thinking much. I guess I’m glad to be included but still very disappointed. I told myself maybe it’s just because it’s a small party, but no. She listed 9 other girls when I asked who was in the bridal party! I’ve been seeing our other friends get asked as bridesmaids the past week and it makes me feel like shit. 

Then I Google duties of an attendant… and that makes it even worse! Being someone’s slave for a day is insulting and not what I want to do at all. I have no idea what duties she specifically wants me to do but it hurts either way. Especially since I included her as a bridesmaid in my wedding. 

So. What do I do?? The wedding is in 7 months, quick engagement. 

Do I suck it up and do my best? 
Talk to her about it? How??
Decline politely? 

Ugh please help. 

Re: HELP. I was asked to be an attendant…

  • I'm curious. What are the duties of an attendant?  

    If you're uncomfortable with being an attendant, then tell the bride, asap, that you would prefer to attend her wedding as a guest and not have a specific role to play. 

  • Sometimes people use the term attendant as a gender neutral version of bridesmaid/groomsman/etc. Maybe confirm with her that this is not what she was doing. 

    Assuming you're correct and she's really asking you to be some inferior version of a bridesmaid or to work, just decline. It's pretty obvious that it's meant to be an insult. You don't have to let people treat you like that. It's up to you whether to just fake a scheduling conflict or call her out and ask her why she would want to do that to you. 
  • My guess is she didn't want to add more bridesmaids to her WP, because 9 is already large, but still wanted you to feel included in the WP since she will be one of your bridesmaids.

    It's the wrong thing to do because most people are going to feel the way you do right now.  Hurt and confused.  She's not obligated to ask you to be a BM and I'm sure you would have been hurt by that anyway.  But being asked to be an attendant as opposed to just going as a guest does make it worse.

    I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she is trying to be inclusive, but made a very poor choice in how to do that, and is not expecting you to be manual labor.

    But I'd ask her to make sure.  Something like, "I am so excited about your upcoming wedding that I immediately said yes to being your attendant.  But, later on, I realized that I'm not sure what it entails.  What are you picturing?"
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  • I'd just ask her what she has in mind for you as an attendant without making any assumptions. Then, once you know, you can give your answer.
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