Wedding Woes

Messy mess distasteful mess.

Dear Prudence,

How can you tell when you’re being justifiably stubborn and when you’re just making things worse?

My 20-year-old sister has been uninvited to my wedding after she went to my fiancée’s bachelorette party, announced she had a special surprise guest, and then wheeled in a skeleton dressed up in a “sister of the bride” t-shirt. My fiancée’s younger sister died when she was 16.

I am also not talking to my sister right now. I don’t know what you could even say. She has never liked my fiancée, but I still can’t believe she did something so theatrically cruel. My family all want me to back down. “She overstepped, but it was just a joke. You know she likes to be edgy. She’s devastated. C’mon, she’s a dumb kid and it didn’t mean anything. She’s very sorry and just wants to get back to normal.” The only person I haven’t heard from is my sister, other than her telling me to “get over it, it wasn’t like it was ‘dead sister’s’ ACTUAL skeleton.”

I have stood firm. Probably for the first time in my life. This was such an indescribably cruel thing to do (to anyone! Whether I loved them or not) that I can’t just sweep it under the rug. So now my side of the family (parents, brother, aunts, and cousins) aren’t coming to the wedding. Which is fine. They can get a bunch of skeletons and hold their own. I don’t care. The thing is that at this point, even my fiancée wants me to just give in to keep the peace. She says that it’s not worth causing so much disruption over a stupid prank that went wrong. Except it wasn’t a prank! No one would consider that funny and genuinely expect people to laugh.

I’m just not sure what to do. My fiancée was the one injured by this, and she wants me to stop (although her parents know what happened and were furious, so I don’t know how they’d react if my sister—a bridesmaid—smirked her way down the aisle the day of). I feel like I’m right, but no one else seems to agree. And no one is even trying to make my sister apologize! I feel that it’s so clear she’s the one in the wrong, but at this point all the blame is on me. I have started to wonder if I’m really the one in the wrong here by not letting it go?

— How Can You Tell When You’re the Bad Guy

Re: Messy mess distasteful mess.

  • What does your fiancée want? She was the one targeted and hurt, she gets to decide what she’s comfortable. 

    I mean I’m with LW that she’d be out, but ultimately he need to ignore anyone else but his fiancée here. 
  • It isn't as though your sister dressed up in some silly costume to tease your fiancee about a funny story from her past. She made light of a family tragedy and surely brought up a lot of pain and trauma in the process. 

    Your sister's behavior was absolutely disgusting, and if she's so "devastated" then she should apologize directly to your fiancee before you can even consider allowing her to attend the wedding or be in your lives. Tell your family that next time they tell you to back down. While I know that removing someone from a bridal party is usually a relationship-ending move, I do also question the wisdom of your sister continuing to be a bridesmaid even if she does attend the wedding. But that part is a tough call. 
    image
    short+sassyei34
  • The sister is a monster.  Not only that, everyone is apologizing for her, but SHE hasn't even apologized!  Eff all that noise.

    The only thing giving me hesitation is that the fiancee still wants to invite the sister.  I want more details on that.  Does she genuinely want to invite the sister or trying to make the LW feel better about smoothing over the rifts in their family.  Because I'd have the same attitude the LW does.  I wouldn't want my sister there and, if my family is going to boycott the wedding because of it.  Too bad.  More cake for me.

    Plus, if the sister's judgement is that bad and her cruelty streak that strong, how can they trust she won't do something horrible at the wedding also.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    downtondivaei34ILoveBeachMusicMNNEBride
  • @banana468, interesting you read it as the groom writing in because in my head, it is two women getting married.  But I guess why wouldn't LW have been at FI's bachelorette party and sister was there?  

    Anyway, I reread it and now I have a brain wrinkle.  LOL  

    Also, LW should keep up the outrage.  There's no fucking excuse regardless of age.  It's like DH and I can joke with each other about our dead moms (because we're ridiculously dark sometimes), but if someone tried to hone in on that it would not be well-received.  I can't believe no one in LW's family can see how downright awful and inappropriate this was. 
    charlotte989875ei34ILoveBeachMusicMNNEBride
  • @mrsconn23 I try not to assign gender immediately but my assumption was that the LW is a man because 
    -the FI is a woman
    -LW talks of the bachelorette as if LW wasn't present.
    -SOG was invited to be in the wedding but not on LW's side. 

    I am guessing that LW's 20 YO sister is the youngest and hasn't faced a lot of consequences for her actions in life. 
    mrsconn23
  • My mouth dropped open when I read this and that doesn't happen too often with Prudie anymore.

    I agree with @banana468.  I think in this instance, it's really important to show that you have expectations on how the new family you're creating is going to be treated and this is no okay in any way shape or form.  

    This is astoundingly and shockingly cruel.
    STARMOON44mrsconn23downtondiva
  • And sister hasn’t apologized! She isn’t sorry. 
    mrsconn23MyNameIsNotMesmrEwe
  • And sister hasn’t apologized! She isn’t sorry. 
    AND NO ONE HAS ASKED HER!

    That's the other part that sticks out.  This is a family who walks on eggshells and makes excuses calling someone who is legally an adult someone who doesn't "know better".   If you continue to enable bad behavior and excuse it do not be upset when your bad parent backfires on you. 


    VarunaTTcharlotte989875mrsconn23STARMOON44
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Fuck this noise. Sister is a legal adult. Full stop. She knew this was cruel. Full stop. The rest of the family knows this and has chosen to gloss over it. Sounds like LW has more than one family tie to cut off. 


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    banana468downtondivacharlotte989875Casadena
  • LW's family is battering the LW because he's the "reasonable" one and the one most likely to be persuaded to budge. I'm sure they're not asking anything of the sister because they know they won't get any concessions from her, and everyone just wants to get back to the dysfunctional family dynamic that they're used to.

    I'd tell the LW to stand firm and let them all stay away, if they really want to take the side of the horrible sister.
    MNNEBrideSTARMOON44VarunaTT
  • mrsconn23 said:
    @banana468, interesting you read it as the groom writing in because in my head, it is two women getting married.  But I guess why wouldn't LW have been at FI's bachelorette party and sister was there?  

    Anyway, I reread it and now I have a brain wrinkle.  LOL  

    Also, LW should keep up the outrage.  There's no fucking excuse regardless of age.  It's like DH and I can joke with each other about our dead moms (because we're ridiculously dark sometimes), but if someone tried to hone in on that it would not be well-received.  I can't believe no one in LW's family can see how downright awful and inappropriate this was. 
    I started out the letter that way as well.  

    I'm torn on this one too - if fiancee who was the one that was wronged is okay with the sister being at the weddding, then those feelings are the ones that matter.  And definitely not as a bridesmaid though - there have to be some consequences!  But then, the sister's response has been to "get over it".  That's so messed up - even if she thinks it is an overreaction, her sibling is hurt and it has affected the family.  This isn't something to just "get over" - work has to be done to fix it.  

    short+sassy
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