Therapy.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I, a 42-year-old woman (she/her), just found out an awful secret about my (40-year-old) brother, and I don’t know how to process it. A family member that is in her thirties confided in me that my brother molested her when she was a kid. She doesn’t remember the exact age they were, but we are guessing she was around 6 or 7, making my brother about 12 or 13. I was shocked and confused, but I comforted her and let her know that I was 100 percent behind her on whatever she wanted to do. She also told me that another family member of ours, who is in her twenties, was also his victim. At that point he would have been a teenager!

What he did was disgusting, and there’s no excuse for it! I didn’t confront him, as both my family members asked me not to. But at this point I want nothing to do with him. I’ve blocked him on all social media, changed my phone number and taken him out of my contacts. He and I used to be very close as kids, but we grew apart as we got older. He’s very controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive, and sometimes even physically abusive (he once broke a door apart to get to me and shoved me over a table) to the point where I’ve gone no-contact with him several times. But this time feels different. While I’m fine with not speaking to the man he is today, I also feel like I’m grieving the loss of who he used to be. It’s like everything I knew about him then as a child and teenager, when we did get along, was a complete lie. He fooled us all and was hurting two people we all love, who will always struggle with what he did to them.

I also feel guilty about not figuring out what was happening back then. And embarrassment and disgust that this person is so closely related to me and someone I used to help and defend when he asked for it. I don’t know how to deal with all of these emotions to the point that I can’t sleep, and I’ve started to drink more than usual. I’ve apologized to both victims even though they said it wasn’t my fault. Is there something more I can do for them? Should I give them space or spend more time with them? How do I stop this feeling like he has died?

— No Longer His Sister

banana468

Seek the help of a trained therapist.  YOU are not the person at fault here.  Not only did you not commit the acts your brother did but you didn't know about them until recently.  

charlotte989875

You’re not responsible for what he did, and there’s not much else you can or should do for the victims. But you should get therapy to deal with this- it’s a trauma and you don’t have to manage it alone. 

mrsconn23

I have...questions.  Because brother was also a child when he abused these cousins and has grown up to a violent person who has been physically abusive to LW.  Sure there's people who are raised in great homes who are wired to have violent or awful tendencies, but most abusers, especially ones who are so young are also victims themselves. 

Also, LW's guilt and extreme feelings of responsibility makes me think their home environment was abusive.  LW certainly needs to seek therapy since they are having such a hard time. It sounds like this has opened a massive trauma portal for them. 

I guess the only thing I'd tell LW to do right in this moment is to not bring this up compulsively to the victims or keep apologizing to them.  It can be re-traumatizing to them and also, could come off as LW is centering themselves in the victim's story.  LW is a victim of the brother, but in a much different way.  Everyone needs to have their space for their experience and processing. 

CharmedPam

I agree, LW did all she could do by cutting ties.  The victims already told her not to blame herself.  Therapy is at hand here for reassurance and coping mechanisms that aren’t alcohol.

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I have...questions.  Because brother was also a child when he abused these cousins and has grown up to a violent person who has been physically abusive to LW.  Sure there's people who are raised in great homes who are wired to have violent or awful tendencies, but most abusers, especially ones who are so young are also victims themselves. 

Also, LW's guilt and extreme feelings of responsibility makes me think their home environment was abusive.  LW certainly needs to seek therapy since they are having such a hard time. It sounds like this has opened a massive trauma portal for them. 

I guess the only thing I'd tell LW to do right in this moment is to not bring this up compulsively to the victims or keep apologizing to them.  It can be re-traumatizing to them and also, could come off as LW is centering themselves in the victim's story.  LW is a victim of the brother, but in a much different way.  Everyone needs to have their space for their experience and processing. 

If he's abusive in general he's likely also manipulative.  This is something that will likely be explained by a quality therapist too.