Suggest showering together?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been dating a wonderful man for two years. He is the first person in my life who has made me feel loved and accepted unconditionally, at my best and worst, which is why I think the issue I have with him feels hard. His hygiene stinks. It wasn’t an issue when we met: His routine is to shower and change his clothes before he leaves the house to do anything so I never noticed this before we lived together. I moved in with him four months ago and since then, I’ve noticed his hygiene habits have been thrown out the door. I think he maybe showers once a week, doesn’t wash off after we have sex, and only changes his clothes when I ask him for his dirty clothes to do laundry. I also caught him not washing his hands after pooping … we cook together every night! I can’t stomach eating his food now knowing he has dirty hands. He smells dirty, like, not even typical BO but dirty. Sometimes I can’t stand getting close enough to his face to kiss him because his face smudges my glasses, his stubble scratches my face, and he just … smells. I love him so much and don’t want to bruise his ego or make him feel bad. Our relationship is otherwise great, and we have a good track record of working through difficult issues with love and respect, so I don’t know why this one is so hard for me to bring up. Should I? Or am I being ridiculous? If I do bring it up, do you have a script for how I can talk about this without it being embarrassing for him?

— Dirty Lover 

banana468

Well, what about saying, "Hey if we're going to get intimate I think it's time for you to shower." 

And quite frankly if I saw that someone I lived with regardless of age did not wash their hands after pooping I'd march them to the sink.    I do this at least once a week with those in the house too young to vote. 

It's likely that a CTJ may be needed here to nicely say that this is not OK or normal and you're happy to help ease the dude towards better cleanliness and germ prevention.  

That said, how many people are washing after sex??  If it isn't pre-shower for me then it's a trip to pee and a hand wash!

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

Well, what about saying, "Hey if we're going to get intimate I think it's time for you to shower." 

And quite frankly if I saw that someone I lived with regardless of age did not wash their hands after pooping I'd march them to the sink.    I do this at least once a week with those in the house too young to vote. 

It's likely that a CTJ may be needed here to nicely say that this is not OK or normal and you're happy to help ease the dude towards better cleanliness and germ prevention.  

That said, how many people are washing after sex??  If it isn't pre-shower for me then it's a trip to pee and a hand wash!

All of this, but especially the bolded.  I use the bathroom after sex (gotta prevent those UTI's!) and wash my hands, but I am not hopping in the shower. 

I wonder if LW's referencing that he basically doesn't wipe himself down and just kind of, rolls over and falls asleep or whatever.  Because then that could mean sticky sheets and that is gross.  

charlotte989875

There’s a lot here but showering ONCE A WEEK? No. That’s enough to have a CTJ talk with him. 

Not washing hands after the bathroom? Also a CTJ. Even my kid is starting to learn we wash hands in the bathroom. 

But yah I’m not showering after sex. A quick pee (and hand washing!) then I’m back to bed. 

If it’s to the point you can’t be near him because of the hygiene it’s time to tell him that. Specifically. In those words. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

There’s a lot here but showering ONCE A WEEK? No. That’s enough to have a CTJ talk with him. 

Not washing hands after the bathroom? Also a CTJ. Even my kid is starting to learn we wash hands in the bathroom. 

But yah I’m not showering after sex. A quick pee (and hand washing!) then I’m back to bed. 

If it’s to the point you can’t be near him because of the hygiene it’s time to tell him that. Specifically. In those words. 

Right?!? 

Chiquita has started to smell.  She's 11 so we're entering the early puberty stages and two weeks ago as she climbed up into the loft bed the armpits went up and WHOA BOY.  I told her, "You NEED to wear deodorant.  I can smell you and it's unpleasant." 

Heck, DH went through a phase when working from home if his biggest activity was coming up the stairs to the kitchen he didn't wear it every day - but if he got stinky I told him that it was not pleasant AND he showered daily. 

banana468

ETA - it's not even pooping.  I'd have to tell the kids
-Even if you're just standing up to pee you wash your hands.
-Get your  hands out of your pants and wash your hands.
-No really.   Get your hands out and wash your hands.
-For the last time, get your hands out and wash your hands. 

I'm also a stickler that if they wash their hands for dinner, then play with a toy they have to go back and do it again.  They need to know that the kitchen/dining area is for clean hands. 

MyNameIsNot

I get that they just moved in together and it was probably less noticeable when they were in public, but wouldn't they have spent overnights or weekends at each other's places before? Or taken a trip or something? If it's new, to me that warrants a different conversation than just discovering that your partner is gross. 

But yeah, this needs a whole conversation. A week without showering is not normal. 

climbingsingle

I absolutely do not shower after sex. Pee, and a wipe, yes. That's it. 

But god, I would not be able to handle this much uncleanliness AND I would dread having that conversation. ugh.