Wedding Party

How to be inclusive to my trans brother

Hi all! *LGBTQ-friendly comments only please!* I just found out last night that my brother is trans and he would like to transition to being a female. For now he’s keeping his name and male pronouns. I had already asked him to be my “man of honor” because he’s the most important person in my life. However, after speaking with him it seems that he would be much happier as a maid of honor. He expressed his desire to wear a dress but he also hasn’t even begun his transition yet (no hormone replacement therapy or anything) and he hasn’t told anyone but myself. The wedding is in 4 months. He is fine with dressing in pants and a vest and doesn’t want to take the attention away from me. I want to be unconditionally supportive of him but I also really don’t want him to wear a dress because I feel like I would be arguing with our close-minded guests the entire evening. There won’t be time to have “have the talk” with everyone before the wedding.  So, the question is: what can I do to show him that I support this and be as inclusive as I can at this point in his transition? 

Re: How to be inclusive to my trans brother

  • Hi all! *LGBTQ-friendly comments only please!* I just found out last night that my brother is trans and he would like to transition to being a female. For now he’s keeping his name and male pronouns. I had already asked him to be my “man of honor” because he’s the most important person in my life. However, after speaking with him it seems that he would be much happier as a maid of honor. He expressed his desire to wear a dress but he also hasn’t even begun his transition yet (no hormone replacement therapy or anything) and he hasn’t told anyone but myself. The wedding is in 4 months. He is fine with dressing in pants and a vest and doesn’t want to take the attention away from me. I want to be unconditionally supportive of him but I also really don’t want him to wear a dress because I feel like I would be arguing with our close-minded guests the entire evening. There won’t be time to have “have the talk” with everyone before the wedding.  So, the question is: what can I do to show him that I support this and be as inclusive as I can at this point in his transition? 
    I'd just tell him to wear whatever he's happiest wearing, give him the title he's happiest with, etc.
    charlotte989875
  • ei34 said:
    Hi all! *LGBTQ-friendly comments only please!* I just found out last night that my brother is trans and he would like to transition to being a female. For now he’s keeping his name and male pronouns. I had already asked him to be my “man of honor” because he’s the most important person in my life. However, after speaking with him it seems that he would be much happier as a maid of honor. He expressed his desire to wear a dress but he also hasn’t even begun his transition yet (no hormone replacement therapy or anything) and he hasn’t told anyone but myself. The wedding is in 4 months. He is fine with dressing in pants and a vest and doesn’t want to take the attention away from me. I want to be unconditionally supportive of him but I also really don’t want him to wear a dress because I feel like I would be arguing with our close-minded guests the entire evening. There won’t be time to have “have the talk” with everyone before the wedding.  So, the question is: what can I do to show him that I support this and be as inclusive as I can at this point in his transition? 
    I'd just tell him to wear whatever he's happiest wearing, give him the title he's happiest with, etc.
    This.  With a 4 month time frame I think it's important that you talk to your brother about what he wants to wear and his likes/dislikes.   You are likely already in a crunch for finding formal wear so I'd just stress that you're happy with your sibling in anything that is appropriate for the occasion and it's going to be time to make that decision soon.  

    At that point, start searching websites and look locally for a good tailor if the goal is to have something formal tailored to his physique. 
    charlotte989875
  • Hi all! *LGBTQ-friendly comments only please!* I just found out last night that my brother is trans and he would like to transition to being a female. For now he’s keeping his name and male pronouns. I had already asked him to be my “man of honor” because he’s the most important person in my life. However, after speaking with him it seems that he would be much happier as a maid of honor. He expressed his desire to wear a dress but he also hasn’t even begun his transition yet (no hormone replacement therapy or anything) and he hasn’t told anyone but myself. The wedding is in 4 months. He is fine with dressing in pants and a vest and doesn’t want to take the attention away from me. I want to be unconditionally supportive of him but I also really don’t want him to wear a dress because I feel like I would be arguing with our close-minded guests the entire evening. There won’t be time to have “have the talk” with everyone before the wedding.  So, the question is: what can I do to show him that I support this and be as inclusive as I can at this point in his transition? 
    You show him that you support him by telling him that he can wear whatever makes him comfortable and go by whatever title makes him comfortable. Telling him that you don't want him to wear a dress when he wants to because you don't want to deal with transphobia is really not supportive at all. If you are supportive, that means standing up for him unconditionally, especially when it's uncomfortable. 

    Also, please realize that physical transitioning and hormones are very private and do not have anything to do with his gender. He may choose to wait or never undergo any kind of medical therapy. That does not invalidate his gender and it does not limit his ability to express gender in whatever ways he chooses. 
    short+sassylevioosacharlotte989875
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2022
    Talk to him and see what he'd feel best being called and wearing at this point. Tell him not to worry about the attention issue. 

    He may not be ready to wear a dress in front of these people yet, but if he tells you that's what he really wants to do, respect that and work together to find something he'll feel good in. I know it would be awkward to field questions about something like this at your own wedding, but standing up for him even when it's tricky to do so is the best way to show your support. 

    It may take a bit of imagination, but if neither a dress nor "traditional" men's attire feel right to him right now, maybe there's something else out there that would work? A suit in a less traditional color and a not too masculine cut, maybe? Whatever he decides on the attire issue, if you get started now, I'm sure you can find something that makes him feel happy and included and comfortable. 

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    short+sassy
  • I would talk to him and ask about his preferences, and then accommodate them as best you can. 
  • Hi all! *LGBTQ-friendly comments only please!* I just found out last night that my brother is trans and he would like to transition to being a female. For now he’s keeping his name and male pronouns. I had already asked him to be my “man of honor” because he’s the most important person in my life. However, after speaking with him it seems that he would be much happier as a maid of honor. He expressed his desire to wear a dress but he also hasn’t even begun his transition yet (no hormone replacement therapy or anything) and he hasn’t told anyone but myself. The wedding is in 4 months. He is fine with dressing in pants and a vest and doesn’t want to take the attention away from me. I want to be unconditionally supportive of him but I also really don’t want him to wear a dress because I feel like I would be arguing with our close-minded guests the entire evening. There won’t be time to have “have the talk” with everyone before the wedding.  So, the question is: what can I do to show him that I support this and be as inclusive as I can at this point in his transition? 
    You show him that you support him by telling him that he can wear whatever makes him comfortable and go by whatever title makes him comfortable. Telling him that you don't want him to wear a dress when he wants to because you don't want to deal with transphobia is really not supportive at all. If you are supportive, that means standing up for him unconditionally, especially when it's uncomfortable. 

    Also, please realize that physical transitioning and hormones are very private and do not have anything to do with his gender. He may choose to wait or never undergo any kind of medical therapy. That does not invalidate his gender and it does not limit his ability to express gender in whatever ways he chooses. 
    All of this. Also telling him to wear something to make life easier for you is definitely squeezing over to transphobic territory. 


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    charlotte989875MyNameIsNot
  • Usually, brides absolutely do tell their wedding parties what to wear, or at least give guidelines, but this is trickier because you're talking about a person's identity. I think I would have a series of conversations with your brother. Ask what he feels like wearing? Is he ready to wear a dress in a public ceremony? Are there in-between options, like a feminine pantsuit?

    Ideally, this should be a two-way thing. Just as a family member wouldn't use your wedding to announce her pregnancy, say, it really wouldn't be fair of your brother to use it to announce his transition if he hasn't done so previously, because in both of those cases, it would be about stealing the spotlight from the couple. But it sounds as if you have a solid relationship and you're both going to be sensitive to the other's needs. And if it seems good to both of you for him to wear a dress, remember that you aren't the one who will be fielding questions. He will, so make sure he knows you have his back.
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