Wedding Party

Asking MOH to not be in wedding anymore

Long story short – when I got engaged to my fiancé last year, I immediately knew I would ask my two best friends and co-workers (man and a woman, “Jane” and “John” for my purposes here) to be my “best people” in the wedding.  Jane and John had been my best friends for years, and we would spend nearly every weekend with them and their families (both married with multiple children). 

About 1 month after asking them to be in the wedding, I discovered that they were having an affair with each other. I was supportive of the relationship if they “did it right,” meaning that they figured their relationship out and either decided to end the affair or separate from their spouses. 

Ultimately, it ended very poorly.  Jane’s husband discovered the affair, and she ended up separating from him (not divorcing though, that’s a whole other story), while John decided to stay with his wife.  Somehow, I was the only one at our workplace who knew about the affair, and became the manager of all of the insane dramatic terribleness that followed.  I felt that I was treated very poorly, to the point where my fiancé wanted me to go to my superiors and tell them about the affair because it was impacting my life so significantly.  I did not because I felt it was not my secret to tell, and still feel that way today.  It was quickly decided after their affair “ended” that Jane would remain the MOH while John would step down. 

In the ensuing months (it has been 6-8 months since the affair “ended”) I feel that I have increasingly been abused by my MOH.  Some of her transgressions have been so awful that the therapists I have seen have repeatedly asked me, “so why are you still friends?”  In my heart, I like to think she is still the same person that became my best friend all those years ago, but she is quite different now and I only maintain my friendship with her because I have seen the consequences of rejecting her firsthand (it is NOT pretty).  Ultimately, I only remain her friend in order to maintain peace at work, which I am contractually obligated to remain at for another 1.5 years.  My fiancé and I tried so hard to be supportive, thinking that the ship would eventually right itself, but unfortunately my resentment has just grown and grown over the last months and it’s reached a boiling point.

I have decided to ask Jane to not be in the wedding, and in my head I feel like this is in the best interest of our friendship, whatever that may be.  I don’t feel like it is fair to hold some of the terrible things that she did against her, because I do sympathize that this has been an awful time for her.  However I cannot support the horrible decisions that she continues to make, nor can I support the way she treats me.  The only way that I can think of even approaching this conversation is to tell her that, in the best interest of our “new” friendship without John, I need it to truly be new.  Every time I think about the wedding, I just think about both of them and how those years of the truest friendships I have ever known are lost forever.  I just get angrier and angrier, and I can’t bring that resentment into our current friendship (whatever that may be – she has treated me poorly, but would I handle it better if I didn’t have this resentment inside? I think – hope – yes).  My wedding isn’t until fall 2022, so there is still quite a bit of time to figure things out. 

I would deeply appreciate any insight or advice you all have.  Thank you all so much

Re: Asking MOH to not be in wedding anymore

  • Quite frankly, the biggest concern that you have at the moment isn't your wedding but if Jane is making your private life terrible now but is acting as your friend if you remove her from the wedding your professional life could likely be affected by that behavior as well.

    As much as you want to end the friendship, it's not that easy when you work together.  I think you need to think long and hard and you're going to have to involve your work in this decision and the backstory because if her behavior is already terrible it's going to get worse.  Consider that before you actually tell her.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You're going to have to end the friendship if you want her out of your wedding. You'll have to figure out how to deal with the professional side of this somehow. If her previous actions were within the scope of the job, it might be a good idea to approach your manager or HR with concerns. If you can't leave the company, you may want to look into changing roles or transferring to have less interaction with her. 

    Going forward, please be mindful about mixing your personal life with your professional one. It's much harder to untangle professionally when things go bad. 
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