Mental health issues are not a pass for abuse or manipulation.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have a wonderful, loving partner who is amazing the vast majority of the time. However, when I bring up any emotional or relationship issue (e.g. “I need you to stop when I ask you not to do something”), she gets upset, shuts down, and eventually has a meltdown. Couples therapy is not an option because we were a one-income household (mine) for about a year until recently, and she has put off getting individual therapy. I’ve reached the point where I want to “grin and bear it” whenever something bothers me because I can’t stand to weather her reaction. I feel like I should be patient because she’s a victim of abuse, but knowing I cannot bring up my needs without backlash is a strain on our relationship and causes a lot of resentment on my end. How can I resolve this without getting the same reaction I always do?

— Weathering the Storm

banana468

You need to talk to her when things are OK.  Say, "There are times that there are things that are issues for me and when I approach you about them it triggers an argument.  If there is a conflict, is there a way that you would like to be approached so we can resolve it?" 

If this person is incapable of compromise and you are not having your needs met then you are going to have to engage in a deeper conversation that you cannot continue the way things are. 

mrsconn23

If couple's therapy isn't an option financially, you can ask your partner to invite you to a therapy session so you can discuss your concerns in front of their therapist.  I've done that with DH. 

But if LW's partner shuts down at the thought of discussing anything difficult that goes on in your relationship, then I'm not sure how a joint therapy session would be received.  However I think it's worth a conversation. 

Also, I have to wonder about approach.  Because I know that how I come to DH with a concern will inform a collaborative or resistant response.  "I" statements are great and all that, but it's definitely in what you say after "I".  

I noted the trend last week that continues though this week.  Society has an awful time understanding and respecting that mental health is just as important as physical health and trauma is often overlooked or worse, people are retraumatized by people who use it against them.  However just because you know someone struggles with their mental health, it does not mean they get to blame how they treat you on it and that you should just take it because they have identified their mental health struggles.  It's something to take into account, but it's not an excuse to dismiss or demean your partner or to weaponize in your relationships to get 'your' way.