Grief groups?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife’s sister passed away in December at the age of 58 due to an undiagnosed heart condition. It was very sudden and unexpected, and my wife’s family has been distraught. The issue is with my in-laws—they are understandably devastated and in shock, but they both grew up in a time where mental health was never discussed and are very much of the mindset that you have to push through grief on your own without any outside help. They have been very anti-therapy in the past, and I don’t think their opinions have changed recently.

This has been weighing very heavily on my wife, who is not only grieving the loss of her sister but is also working long hours as a political consultant and trying to be a present mother to our 11- and 13-year-old sons. My job is flexible enough that I have been able to take over the majority of childcare, but I worry that she is becoming overwhelmed with the stress of traveling to see her parents and managing her full-time job.

Her parents have admitted they are struggling but are not seeking help. Is there a resource for older people like them that isn’t therapy, but would give them the support they need so my wife can take a break from the constant pressure she’s facing now?

— Worried in Wichita

banana468

Look into grief groups where she can talk to people.  

But also potentially talk to her about why therapy is good and perhaps therapy for her could be a great benefit. 

charlotte989875

Grief groups sure but honestly grief counseling for your wife will help her decline tools for setting her own boundaries with her family when it’s appropriate. 

But also, it has even been three months. 90 days. That’s a lot to recover from and it’s awful. Keep taking things off your wife’s plate, encourage her to seek out support for grieving families, and keep being open so that she can talk to you about how she’s feeling. You think she’s overwhelmed but is it possible she wants to be closer to her parents right now? 

mrsconn23

I agree @charlotte989875 that it's been a really short time period. They are clinging to her because they lost their other child.  They need a lot of reassurance and unfortunately, she may be the only person who can give them peace of mind.  

I guess my only concern is if LW's wife is feeling suffocated and doesn't know how to back off from her parents so she can have the space to grieve and process.  As a spouse, I understand wanting to ease that for her by trying to get the parents less dependent.  It's a mess of a situation.  

I wish LW's wife would have written this.  But my advice to LW would be to continue keep shouldering the load for his wife and also, talk to his wife.  If she says, "Mom and dad need me for xyz", ask her how she feels about it.  Even if she vents but does it anyway, understand the position she's currently in.  This won't last forever, but this grief is so fresh and since it was sudden and unexpected, it's going to be a long process to move through it. 

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

I agree @charlotte989875 that it's been a really short time period. They are clinging to her because they lost their other child.  They need a lot of reassurance and unfortunately, she may be the only person who can give them peace of mind.  

I guess my only concern is if LW's wife is feeling suffocated and doesn't know how to back off from her parents so she can have the space to grieve and process.  As a spouse, I understand wanting to ease that for her by trying to get the parents less dependent.  It's a mess of a situation.  

I wish LW's wife would have written this.  But my advice to LW would be to continue keep shouldering the load for his wife and also, talk to his wife.  If she says, "Mom and dad need me for xyz", ask her how she feels about it.  Even if she vents but does it anyway, understand the position she's currently in.  This won't last forever, but this grief is so fresh and since it was sudden and unexpected, it's going to be a long process to move through it. 

I agree with all of this. Be supportive by making it easier for her to be there for them, if that’s what she wants to do. Keep talking to her, let her vent, and support what she chooses to do. 

I also wonder if LW feels kind of helpless right now. They can’t take the pain and grief away, there’s not much to do to make anyone feel better, they just have to move though it best they can. There’s no fix here.