Do you think you'll get a lot of gifts?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I stopped drinking last year and will soon celebrate one year sober. I am also retiring. When my spouse retired last year, it was during my early days of sobriety and their party was a big stressor for me. Looking ahead to my retirement, I know that they are going to want to return the favor and host some kind of event for me. Frankly, I am okay not throwing a party for several reasons. One, lockdown and sobriety have shown my true colors: I am not a people person! And two, at the end of the party, there were countless bottles of booze, wine, and craft beer on the table as gifts. While I appreciate the thought of a gift, anything alcohol related will be tossed. If we do have a party, how can we politely ask that the gifts NOT be alcohol? My sobriety isn’t widely publicized on my social media, so people most likely think I still drink.
Is there a way to navigate this so people don’t waste their money on a gift that will not be used? Any suggestions are very much appreciated.

— Sober and Soon to Be Retired

charlotte989875

Gifts, especially expensive wine and whiskey, are common retirement gifts in our circle so I think the LWs concern is valid. If the wife is hosting can she discretely mention he’s prefer not to receive alcohol? 

MyNameIsNot

If you don't want a party, just tell your spouse that! Perhaps you can explain to spouse that you'd rather spend the money on a romantic weekend away or something else you'd enjoy together. 

But if you do go forward with the party, I'm not sure how you can specify no alcohol as gifts without sharing your sobriety. Could you find a charity that throws fancy fundraiser parties to donate them to? 

climbingsingle

I'd just not have a party, and be very clear about your wishes. 

banana468

Can the LW just say, "Oh since the pandemic hit I wanted to let you know that I've given up alcohol altogether.  I really don't want it to be a topic of conversation at all and would appreciate it if you did know this for the party and if anyone is thinking of gifts that would be something I will not be using." 

mrsconn23

LW doesn't want this party. So why have one?  

Also LW gave up drinking, which is great.  However, have they done any work on going deeper to find the root cause of their issues with alcohol and why they can't have it at all?  

IDK, LW seems to still be figuring out sobriety and needs to avoid triggers as much as possible.  It sounds like the thought of a party is bringing up a lot of anxiety which could be triggering.  It would probably be best to forgo the larger party for a small dinner with selected people that know LW is sober. 

VarunaTT

I'm a little confused.  If my partner says, "I don't want this thing"...I don't do the thing?  So tell your partner that you don't want the party and that you really mean it.  I think that's the core issue right there.  If partner moves with the party, I'd be really miffed and probably wouldn't attend out of sheer anger.

As far as the sobriety, shout it from the rooftops.  There is nothing wrong with asking for no alcohol as gifts (I can go on a very long tangent/rant about this, but I'm not going to).  You can also ask for no gifts at all (I've never taken a gift to a retirement party, so I find that a little odd anyway).

I'm a little worried that if LW gives in to partner about said party, partner will also not be respecting their sobriety status.  B/c LW's party should be alcohol free (I can also rant about this, and I'm not going to), in deference to LW's wishes and, presumably, desire to not be around alcohol.

As far as the root cause of issue with alcohol, I would just like to say: alcohol is an addictive substance.  There may not have been a root issue...then you get addicted to alcohol and being an addict causes issues.  There might not have to be a journey of "what triggers my addiction to alcohol", b/c the answer is sometimes, alcohol triggers my addiction to alcohol because it's a addictive substance for humans.  I've been on a helluva journey re: sobriety and moderation and some of my reading has been HELLA eye opening about the marketing job the alcohol industry has done to us and to force us to bear the responsibility of controlling an addictive substance rather than governmental control and oversight like other addictive substances have.

short+sassy

It sounds like the LW doesn't want a party anyway, so that is the answer.  Tell their spouse they don't want a party.  Underline how much they don't want a party, by also pointing out they are worried about it triggering their alcoholism.

The LW could also give suggestions of things they would rather do, assuming the spouse would really like to do something to honor the LW.

Hopefully they don't have a spouse who would railroad over their needs, especially when addiction is a factor.