My parents plan to shove my sister (and me) out of the nest ASAP.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My parents intend to kick out my older sister and provide no support once she turns 18. This is not because of anything she’s done; it’s simply because she’ll be an adult who “needs to stand on her own two feet.” I didn’t think we were that kind of family. I’m worried for my sister and for myself, as the same fate awaits me in a couple of years. My sister said she’ll do her best to help me when my time comes, and that if she’s dead or doing badly, maybe our parents will learn from that. She’s already graduated high school via remote learning, but doesn’t drive and doesn’t have a steady job. Is there any sense in trying to talk my parents out of this? They otherwise act loving and supportive, and I am not convinced they will actually force either of us out if we drag our feet. But my sister is clearly distraught, and I want to help her. We have an aunt and uncle who might take her in, but my sister is not comfortable around our cousin, their son.

— Worried About Sister 

charlotte989875

So sister graduated from high school, but doesn’t have a job, lacks transportation, and isn’t in college or a training program to work toward a job. What does sister do? 

Sister is a young adult, and does need support, but also she needs to do something with her life. Does she just plan to what, hang out? I can see why the parents aren’t interested in footing the bill for that indefinitely. 

banana468

I think LW first needs to talk to their parents and ask them what the parents intend to do.

Every situation here is different and IMO kicking your kid out at 18 as they emerge from a pandemic makes me think less of the parents than the 18 yo BUT the parents need to have a game plan too and I would hope that any set of parents who love their kids also want them to succeed and will work with them to do so if the child is also putting in most of the effort. 

mrsconn23

Agreed @charlotte989875. LW being all, "She hasn't done anything."  That's the point. She's not doing anything (or at least you didn't point to anything she IS doing) and supporting a freeloading adult that is choosing to not work or drive gets draining really fast.  

Also, maybe she'll 'show them' by doing poorly or being DEAD?!  WTF? 

LW, you should be taking this as a lesson to get your ass in gear and figure out how to finish school strong and have an idea of your path post-HS.  

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

I think LW first needs to talk to their parents and ask them what the parents intend to do.

Every situation here is different and IMO kicking your kid out at 18 as they emerge from a pandemic makes me think less of the parents than the 18 yo BUT the parents need to have a game plan too and I would hope that any set of parents who love their kids also want them to succeed and will work with them to do so if the child is also putting in most of the effort. 

Right! I wonder if LW is hearing from sister that she’s getting kicked out immediately and what the parents have said is that sister needs a plan, needs a job, or school, and sister has done zero to try and figure that out. 

H got kicked out of college his first year. He was 18 and his parents said they weren’t going to pay for him to just live and home and party with his friends so he had to move out and figure it out. There were consequences for his actions. Now his brother let him live in the basement for a few months and helped get him a job but he had to find roommates and an apartment and pay for things himself. 

MyNameIsNot

Agree, sounds like sister just wants to hang around and parents are offering some tough love. 

For LW, you need to think about what you plan to do after high school, and discuss those plans with your parents. They may very well have a different reaction to you wanting to live at home while, say, attending community college than staying there while you finally finish watching every episode of the Simpsons. 

ei34

I'm desperate for more context.  17 is so young, it sounds like the sister still needs a lot of guidance.  I agree it sounds like parents at the end of their rope.

climbingsingle

Yeah, I need to hear the parents' side in this. I don't think it's completely unreasonable to try to motivate your child that's an adult, has graduated high school and doesn't seem to be doing anything. 

banana468

And IMO this is totally different in 2022 when an 18 yo has spent the last two years in a pandemic.  I am grateful that I wasn't in a position of having to push a  16 to find a job when there weren't part time jobs to be had! 

levioosa

I feel like immaturity is coloring this letter quite a lot. If the parents are, as LW has stated “loving and supportive” then this is most likely a response to sis not having a plan. 

I begged my parents for a gap year between high school and college where I could get a part time job (harder said than done since I graduated in the recession), and take a moment to try and figure out what I wanted for my life long term in an effort to minimize my burnout from high school and prevent accumulating college debt. They were not about it. It was either be in school full time and live at home for free, or don’t go to school and pay full rent. At that point I was also paying for most of my living expenses (rent excluded) with any odds and ends jobs I could find. I started buying homeware at 17 to take with me when I eventually got a place. And I sucked it up and did the hard things. It was pretty shitty and honestly a gap year would have been so mentally and emotionally (and probably financially) healthy for me, but oh well. Them’s the breaks. But I also had a very solid plan of what I wanted to do and how to go about doing it.  

 I am extremely suspect of LWs sister saying she’s being kicked out without cause. It doesn’t seem like she had any plans. And the “they’ll regret it and you’ll fare better because maybe I might be DEAD” is just sooo melodramatic. 

short+sassy

I agree with you all.  If the sister has already graduated from HS, then I'm guessing that was almost a year ago, ie May/June 2021.  So, yeah.  Do better than a p/t job if you keep wanting to live rent-free.

For the LW, they should take this as an opportunity to talk to their parents.  Not necessarily about trying to convince them to let the sister keep staying, but what the parent's expectations will be for them, when they turn 18.

Maybe it is exactly as the sister says.  At least the LW knows that now and can start preparing better.  Or maybe and more probably, the parents will tell the LW that as long as they are f/t in school or "other parameter", that it's okay for them to live at home.

One of my coworker friends had their child graduate from HS last year.  That child has never had much motivation to do well in school or work or do much of anything.  But her parents had always been crystal clear with her that, after she graduates from HS (she was already 18), she has three choices:  School f/t and it's free rent.  School p/t and work p/t would be some minimal rent and the rent money would go into a savings account (that they control) for when she eventually moves out.  No school and no work or only p/t work, then she needs to GTFO and figure out her own adulting.

STARMOON44

Wow y’all are harsh! I think it’s shocking to just kick out an 18 year old and pretty cruel. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

Wow y’all are harsh! I think it’s shocking to just kick out an 18 year old and pretty cruel. 

I think this is why more info is needed.

Is the person just lazy or have the last two years been really hard on them socially?  If I turned 16 in March 2020 and was turning 18 now the job prospects at that time would have been terrible and the last two years of HS would be partial virtual, masked and a lot of the restaurants in my town (where a lot of HS kids serve) were not doing table service until early 2021.  That can make it super tricky.

However if this has been a pattern of behavior for YEARS where the daughter is melodramatic, not driven and acting like she's owed by the parents vs. preparing for adulthood I can see why the parents are ready to say that the door is in front of her.

levioosa

@STARMOON44 I don’t think anyone is advocating to just kick out an 18 year old. But if the 18 year old doesn’t at least have some loose plans then that’s a concern and the parents have to have a discussion. For example, I know someone whose son is turning 18 this year. Parents are divorced. Dad asked to talk about next steps after high school, whether it be a job, college, military (ugh). Kid said he didn’t want to do anything but hang out with his friends and he wasn’t interested in college or anything else. So dad said, okay, then you can’t stay here and expect me to be okay with that and to keep supporting that lifestyle.  Kid said, whatever, then I’m going to mom’s house because she won’t make me do anything. Clearly there’s a lot going on there but I don’t think dad is a monster for asking the kid next steps, or for telling his son he won’t essentially pay for his son to drive around hanging out with friends. 

mrsconn23

Yeah, the issue is the lack of a 'plan' for how sister is going to spend her time while she figures out what her next steps are.  I firmly believe that if you're not in a school (college or trade) or learning some sort of skill post-HS, then you should be doing something to make some kind of income for yourself.  

I don't even think paying rent should be mandatory the year or so after HS.  But there is *nothing* more frustrating than living with someone who literally has no income, nowhere to be, and expects you to foot the bill (even if means doing the bare minimum like keeping the roof over their head, lights on, and food in the pantry/fridge).  

More information would have been helpful, but the little information LW provided doesn't paint the best picture of sister's motivation and some sort of future planning. And I understand it's overwhelming to think about 'the rest of your life', but sister needs to have a plan to do something with her time. 

mrsconn23

I will say that the IRL examples of people who did kick their kids out of the nest soon after HS graduation has had varying results.  I know of one family friend who did it with their kids and the kids did up back home (with kids of their own) at some points.  I think their kids finally have their own apartment together (they're sisters) and have worked out some sort of childcare arrangement. 

Our good friends set their kids up that they'd pay for the first year or two of college or trade school, but the expectation was for the kids to go away/not live at home.  Their oldest has struggled in college (which the pandemic didn't help) and at some point had dropped out and quit his job.  I'm not sure where that situation stands now.  The second one is in his freshman year and I think is doing all right.  But I know mom was very adamant that they were moving out and spreading those wings.  I feel that hard of a line can bite you in the ass, but I kept that opinion to myself since it's not like we haven't had our own parenting challenges. 

short+sassy

My parents didn't kick my sister out at 18, but she kicked herself out about 6 months after she graduated from HS.  She didn't want to go to school, but did get a f/t job shortly after graduating.  She saved her money, while gleefully telling my parents she couldn't wait to move out, lol.

Once she felt she had enough money saved, her and some friends rented an apartment.  KIM, this is expensive So CA and SUPER expensive, beach community San Clemente, CA.

When their lease was 2-3 months from ending and they'd need to make a decision to renew or not, my sister asked my parents if she could move back home when the lease was up.  She had enjoyed her "freedom", but it was a wake-up call how expensive that freedom was!

She still had her same f/t job and was now starting to think about what kind of career she wanted.  Our parents were fine with her moving back in and not charging rent.  But I'm not sure what the discussion would have been, if she'd had no job and no plan. 

Heck, after I graduated from college (May '97), I moved back home for almost one year myself.  I didn't have a f/t job yet, but got one shortly after that.  My mom didn't charge me any rent, even after I was working.  But she knew I was saving up to move out and possibly move out of the area.  I did need a little time to figure out what I was going to do next.  Mainly because I wanted to move to a lower COL place, but needed to build up the courage and money to do that.  Plus I needed to decide on "where".  Finally chose NOLA in Dec. of that same year.  Moved May '98.  Still here almost 25 years later, lol.

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

I will say that the IRL examples of people who did kick their kids out of the nest soon after HS graduation has had varying results.  I know of one family friend who did it with their kids and the kids did up back home (with kids of their own) at some points.  I think their kids finally have their own apartment together (they're sisters) and have worked out some sort of childcare arrangement. 

Our good friends set their kids up that they'd pay for the first year or two of college or trade school, but the expectation was for the kids to go away/not live at home.  Their oldest has struggled in college (which the pandemic didn't help) and at some point had dropped out and quit his job.  I'm not sure where that situation stands now.  The second one is in his freshman year and I think is doing all right.  But I know mom was very adamant that they were moving out and spreading those wings.  I feel that hard of a line can bite you in the ass, but I kept that opinion to myself since it's not like we haven't had our own parenting challenges. 

Yah it’s really interesting and I think depends A LOT of the teenagers/ young adults as well. With H He got kicked out of school because of have pot in his room and underage drinking. His parents were willing to pay for college when he was going, but said he wasn’t just going to come back home and party and hang out with his friends. 

It worked for him because he ended up working tough manual labor jobs (landscaping & construction) and realized that work was really hard and he didn’t want to do that forever. He eventually went back to school, got a PhD, but he had to figure it out himself. 

bubblylove

When our daughter graduated high school she had a choice - go to college (or some sort of training program) or work and pay rent. She did so for a while. Eventually she moved out but simply doesn't work consistently. She asked to move back in and at 21 we said no. 

MissKittyDanger

I think we need more info. Sometimes Prudie gives so little response.

Is LW's sister allowed to move back if things go wrong?
What's sister's personality? Would she cut off parents?
What's the culture? I feel like culture may also be part of this.

18 is young. M moved out {in with me} at 21 and honestly he wouldn't have made it as well if he decided to cut his parents off.
M's brother would cut his parents off out of spite.
Their family knows this also.

Did LW's sister know this was a thing? {kicked out at 18}

knottie2ffe8c9f4c8fd7ff

There are so many factors it's difficult to form an opinion.