Stop avoiding and start talking to Dana about Taylor.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m writing in for a “please tell me I’m not crazy” check. I introduced my best friend Dana to one of my new friends, Taylor, a couple of years ago. Dana and Taylor became close quickly. Afterward, Taylor and I had a very nasty friend-breakup due to some very hurtful things she did and kept doing over time, that she refused to apologize for or even consider changing. We haven’t talked in years, and I honestly thought Taylor and Dana’s friendship had drifted during the pandemic and that this was all moot.

Well, Dana has started talking about the social events she’s going to do now that the pandemic is over … and there’s two of everything, so that Taylor and I can’t cross paths. I do mean absolutely everything, including her literal wedding! She’s going to have the ceremony privately to avoid all of us having to be in the same room, and have two receptions. I have reassured Dana that no, I am not going to argue or fight with Taylor at the wedding if we’re both there. I know how to shut up and not ruin an event. Dana doesn’t care. She says it’s less stressful to just isolate us and spend copious time and resources keeping us apart so she doesn’t have to think about potential conflict. I get that she can have a private ceremony if she wants, but I can’t help feeling like one of us is causing her issues, her life would be smoother without that person, and she needs to pick who it is. Obviously, I’d like it to be me, but I guess she could pick Taylor and dump me.

I’m not asking how I can change Dana’s mind. I’m asking whether Dana even really thinks of me as a good friend at this point, and whether her going enormously out of her way to keep Taylor around is a sign that I’m just not important to her. Am I a jealous jerk? Dana and I just avoid the topic of Taylor, but now it feels like Taylor is haunting me. I’ve been avoiding asking Dana about these questions, because I know that whoever explicitly asks a friend to choose sides is the one who loses. But has Dana picked a side, and it’s not me? Is it okay that Dana doesn’t seem to care that Taylor hurt me that badly?

—She Hurts Me, Do You Care?

flantastic

Um obviously more info on what actually Taylor did to you would be helpful in determining some things, but first take is:

You tell Dana that while you appreciate her considering your feelings about not wanting to be around Taylor, it is crazy pants to be duplicating events in her life over that. If she truly intends to invite Taylor and remain friends with her, you will either decline these events (a valid option, especially if abuse or something) or you will act the adult and learn to be in the same room as her without causing drama.

banana468

Ask Dana how she feels about you. Leave Taylor out of it. 

short+sassy

It sounds nuts to me also that Dana wants to have a private ceremony and throw two receptions, just to keep her two friends apart.  You don't usually even hear about something like that for two parents that had an acrimonious divorce.  But if that is what Dana wants to do, that's up to her.

The LW has their own decision to make.  They are questioning their friendship with Dana, because Dana is still friends with Taylor.  It doesn't sound to me that Dana has "picked" Taylor.  She is actually going very out of her way to stay close friends with both of them.

The LW needs to realize that, just because her friendship with Taylor exploded, doesn't mean it's going to be that way for their mutual friends.  It's unlikely that anyone is going to feel as "betrayed" and think the worst of Taylor, as she does.  Even if the friend group puts all/most of the blame on Taylor also.  And they may not.   

mrsconn23

There's something about this that doesn't sit right.  My spidey sense is tingling that LW is not some innocent bystander here and hasn't taken any ownership for their part in what went down with Taylor.  LW uses a lot of avoidance and assumption in her letter.  Dana may have a perspective that what led to LW's and Taylor's breakdown wasn't a  big deal and/or doesn't impact her feelings for Taylor. 

I think LW should ask Dana flat out why she's doing these crazy-making things to keep Taylor and LW apart. Because it's not 'less' stressful to plan two events.  If they choose to keep avoiding this, then they're going to remain in this state of uncertainty. 

MyNameIsNot

Yeah, Dana's plan to have two receptions is absurd, but I don't get how LW makes the leap from that to deciding that Dana needs to choose one of them or that Dana has already decided on Taylor. 

Something doesn't add up.

downtondiva

What did Taylor do, and what's her side of the story? Is Dana completely overreacting or is it really necessary to keep these two apart? (I agree that the two receptions is crazy either way.) 

So many questions!