Being technically 'correct' doesn't mean it's not annoying and insensitive.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have unexplained infertility and have been trying to get pregnant for years. In the fall, I began the IVF process after years of trying other methods with no success. It has been physically and emotionally grueling, and I am not doing so well right now. On top of that, the financial burden has been immense.

My best friend has had an annoying response to my situation. Every time I mention my difficulties with IVF, she reminds me that I’m very privileged to be able to access IVF treatment in the first place, and I should count my blessings instead of complaining.

I find this response really irritating. I’m barely getting through the day right now, and I want her support, not a lecture. However, she is actually correct. As awful as the process has been, and as much as I wish I never needed it in the first place, it’s so expensive that only immense privilege allows me to afford it at all.

Am I right to find this annoying, and if so how can I explain to her why it bothers me, even though she has a point? (For context, we are both financially comfortable white women, and she is childfree by choice.)

— Very Frustrated

banana468

You can be stressed and privileged at the same time.  They aren't mutually exclusive.  That sort of commentary from the "friend" is the BS that you hear when someone says, "I don't know why that person was so stressed and suicidal.  They had everything!" 

I think you can be clear to the friend that her comments are hurtful and you can be both stressed due to the situation of infertility and hormonal fluctuations plus the sadness that you haven't conceived despite the fact that you can pay for it?? 

Not related to IF but a story:
Years ago a FB friend came home from a vacation in winter to find that the pipes burst in their home when they were OOT.  The place was uninhabitable for nearly a year.  The outpouring on FB was one of empathy and attempted commiseration.

One friend that DH knew who was notoriously obnoxious said, "Well look at the bright side!  You're  able to afford all of this!!"  

And yeah - all of the expenses were covered by insurance and she and the H both have great, very well-paying jobs.  That doesn't mean that they want this to happen and that it isn't a big pain.   Everyone criticized the friend for her lack of empathy and how out of touch she was.

That's the issue with this "friend" who doesn't seem to get that money can't solve all the problems. 

CharmedPam

Agreed with @banana468.  You’re allowed to be both

mrsconn23

So I mentioned yesterday in the check-in that there was a massive warehouse fire at DH's old employer. It was a Walmart warehouse.  There are two warehouses next to each other.  The warehouse that caught fire was a small goods warehouse (think clothes, shoes, electronics, household goods, etc).  DH worked in the other warehouse that handled large goods (TV's, bikes, patio sets, etc).   They only service eCommerce orders, and do not ship to stores. 

This fire was so massive that at 8pm last night, we could still see the smoke cloud billowing on the horizon. We talked about how many people would be displaced from their jobs (over 1k) and how a lot of those people are foreign.  I hope they get moved around and/or paid while this gets sorted out and that no one loses their status in the US because of it. 

We also talked about how this could be disruptive to the supply chain and people may see an uptick in canceled orders because the two warehouses could handle 80-90% of the online transactions at one time.  That will suck, even if it means that some kid doesn't get a bday present on time or something. 

We also segued into how that is probably a sight (smoke clouds every day) people in Ukraine are seeing daily. And how for us, it's a unique event. 

Empathy is a renewable resource.  As long as LW isn't being all, "OMG this is only happening to ME!" about this situation, then their friend is just being rude.  You can have hardship even if there are other people who have it harder.  You can drown in 6in of water or 12ft of water.  The end result is still drowning.  

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

So I mentioned yesterday in the check-in that there was a massive warehouse fire at DH's old employer. It was a Walmart warehouse.  There are two warehouses next to each other.  The warehouse that caught fire was a small goods warehouse (think clothes, shoes, electronics, household goods, etc).  DH worked in the other warehouse that handled large goods (TV's, bikes, patio sets, etc).   They only service eCommerce orders, and do not ship to stores. 

This fire was so massive that at 8pm last night, we could still see the smoke cloud billowing on the horizon. We talked about how many people would be displaced from their jobs (over 1k) and how a lot of those people are foreign.  I hope they get moved around and/or paid while this gets sorted out and that no one loses their status in the US because of it. 

We also talked about how this could be disruptive to the supply chain and people may see an uptick in canceled orders because the two warehouses could handle 80-90% of the online transactions at one time.  That will suck, even if it means that some kid doesn't get a bday present on time or something. 

We also segued into how that is probably a sight (smoke clouds every day) people in Ukraine are seeing daily. And how for us, it's a unique event. 

Empathy is a renewable resource.  As long as LW isn't being all, "OMG this is only happening to ME!" about this situation, then their friend is just being rude.  You can have hardship even if there are other people who have it harder.  You can drown in 6in of water or 12ft of water.  The end result is still drowning.  

Exactly.

I discussed IF with a family member years ago and the stress level is described as comparable to someone going through cancer.   Her response was, "Just tell people you're trying!" and she didn't get it.  People who are stressed are stressed.  Do not belittle their stress - talk to them about it. 

short+sassy

Hopefully the LW has other people she can discuss these struggles with because her BFF is being a major AH about it.

She should either not discuss the IVF struggles with her friend and possibly even take a step back from the friendship.

The LW could be the wealthiest woman in the world but, if she can't have a child she so desperately wants, she doesn't feel privileged.  I've also heard that physically going through IVF and other fertility treatments is hell.  Money doesn't take the emotional or physical pain away.

downtondiva

Your friend has been very insensitive and you have every right to tell her so. Having money and privilege doesn't mean you're not allowed to be sad or stressed about anything, or that you are immune to disappointments and pain. I hope you have other, more supportive people in your life.