Best Friend leaving you out of wedding planning/festivities

knottie98fd0cf72eed4ec4

So, one of my best friends is getting married. She, my other best friend, and I are part of a long time trio. We don't live in the same towns but have managed to be part of each other's lives and stay close. However, ever since she got engaged, it seems like the bride does not want her two best friends to be part of the wedding planning. When she got engaged, she informed us that this is going to be a low key wedding. Cool. My best friend and I were happy and understanding since this is her second marriage and the first one didn't go well. Then there were a series of events that left my other best friend and me a little lost:

1. We aren't invited to the wedding. The bride said that she wanted only family and the restaurant she chose to host her wedding only allowed 12 people. 
2. Didn't want us to go wedding dress shopping with her. 
3. My other best friend and I found out through Instagram that she was having an engagement party. When I confronted her about this, she said it was only for her fiance's family. And we werent invited. I let her know that we wanted to be part of her special day and to celebrate this great moment in her life. She kind of brushed it off and said that although we are special people in her life, she was only doing the engagement party for his family because they were pushing her to do it. We dropped it from there. 
4. Bachelorette Party, She randomly informs us that her new sister in-law is hosting and organizing the party. Fine. My other friend and I would definitely like to be part of this. However, we are told that the sister in law has everything handled. Okay.... Now this is where the real issue happens: my best friend and I realize, through social media, that she and her sister in law and other family went the night before and celebrated. Her best friends had no idea that that was her plan. To be honest, I was very hurt. I found this out right before heading over to the location where we were going to celebrate. And, I will take full responsibility and accountability for this, I confronted her through text right before leaving, I know I know, wrong timing. But I was hurt and upset. She responded with so much anger. She immediately said "don't come" and that I was selfish and that she didn't need to tell us her plan. And that its not always about me. Which was another slap in the face since she's one of my maids of honor for my wedding in October. Anyways, I did go  to her party with my other best friend. We kept it cordial and pretended like nothing happened to prevent any drama. But now I'm not sure what to do next. 

Any insight and advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is a long one. 

MyNameIsNot

knottie98fd0cf72eed4ec4 said:

So, one of my best friends is getting married. She, my other best friend, and I are part of a long time trio. We don't live in the same towns but have managed to be part of each other's lives and stay close. However, ever since she got engaged, it seems like the bride does not want her two best friends to be part of the wedding planning. When she got engaged, she informed us that this is going to be a low key wedding. Cool. My best friend and I were happy and understanding since this is her second marriage and the first one didn't go well. Then there were a series of events that left my other best friend and me a little lost:

1. We aren't invited to the wedding. The bride said that she wanted only family and the restaurant she chose to host her wedding only allowed 12 people. 
2. Didn't want us to go wedding dress shopping with her. 
3. My other best friend and I found out through Instagram that she was having an engagement party. When I confronted her about this, she said it was only for her fiance's family. And we werent invited. I let her know that we wanted to be part of her special day and to celebrate this great moment in her life. She kind of brushed it off and said that although we are special people in her life, she was only doing the engagement party for his family because they were pushing her to do it. We dropped it from there. 
4. Bachelorette Party, She randomly informs us that her new sister in-law is hosting and organizing the party. Fine. My other friend and I would definitely like to be part of this. However, we are told that the sister in law has everything handled. Okay.... Now this is where the real issue happens: my best friend and I realize, through social media, that she and her sister in law and other family went the night before and celebrated. Her best friends had no idea that that was her plan. To be honest, I was very hurt. I found this out right before heading over to the location where we were going to celebrate. And, I will take full responsibility and accountability for this, I confronted her through text right before leaving, I know I know, wrong timing. But I was hurt and upset. She responded with so much anger. She immediately said "don't come" and that I was selfish and that she didn't need to tell us her plan. And that its not always about me. Which was another slap in the face since she's one of my maids of honor for my wedding in October. Anyways, I did go  to her party with my other best friend. We kept it cordial and pretended like nothing happened to prevent any drama. But now I'm not sure what to do next. 

Any insight and advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is a long one. 

She's right, this isn't about you.

Not all weddings are big fanfares with everyone invited, and being close friends does not entitle you to be invited or involved in planning. She's been completely clear with you that this is a family only event, but you've tried to force your way into it anyway. When she finally invited you to a celebration, you got upset that you weren't invited to another family celebration the night before. I don't see why you think this has anything to do with your wedding or her being in it at all. 

The best you can do right now is back off, send well wishes, and accept that her decision to have a small family wedding isn't about you. She's not excluding you out of malice or having a family event at you. This is what works best for her and her partner right now. Be happy for her, let her have the wedding she wants, and stop trying to insert yourself into it. 

knottie98fd0cf72eed4ec4

What you have brought up is very insightful and true. I guess I just thought she would want us to be part of it since she was part of my other friend's wedding and is part of mine. But you're right. Maybe she doesn't want us involved hers. Your response definitely brings things into a different perspective. Thank you for your response. 

levioosa

Try not to take this personally. I recently eloped/had a very small wedding. Only my SIL was present as a witness and her H performed the ceremony. We had our parents meet us for a nice dinner and surprised them with the news. I went back and forth for months debating on telling my bff and I decided not to. It had nothing to do with how close we are or wanting her there. Deciding to keep it to just partial family was honestly the most difficult part of the whole planning experience but it’s what worked for us and the event we wanted. 

Have you considered that maybe your friend feels torn because it’s only family and she doesn’t want to “rub it in” that you won’t be there? I think you can apologize for snapping and let her know that you’re excited and want to be there for her any way she wants you to be, and let her know that your friendship isn’t defined by a one day event. Try to reframe your mindset about the party too. It sounds like she just went out with family—technically she was doing what was right by etiquette, only family is invited so she did an event with only family and she didn’t talk about it with people who weren’t invited. I could understand more if you were excluded and other friends were invited, but just family? You’re definitely taking it personally when you don’t need to. 

knottie98fd0cf72eed4ec4

Another good point. Thank you. I really appreciate the insight. These are helpful in understanding what she may be going through without her getting frustrated or worried about hurting me feelings if I brought it up to her. 

banana468

I'm reading this as the friend is trying to keep things intimate so she's not including the friends not as a way to be rude but to avoid being rude.