Pronouns, progressivism, and personal politics.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have a new coworker who prefers they/them pronouns, but is okay with she/her. This person is also very female presenting, so I have mistakenly used she for this person but apologized and moved on. Our company and myself are quite progressive and willing to respect anyone’s preferred pronouns. All staff identify their preferred pronouns in their email signatures and our written and verbal communication reflects everyone’s preferred pronouns. The issue is this new person uses they/them as the default and refers to myself and binary colleagues as they. I am a cisgender, heterosexual, white woman and prefer she/her pronouns, like many of my colleagues. I recognize I’m privileged and biased, yet I fundamentally disagree with this attempt to deliberately not apply gender on everyone, especially folks who have clearly identified their preferred gendered pronoun! I now feel I can better empathize with people who struggle with pronouns, as it is jarring to see this person refer to me as they. I am also concerned with how company partners may react to this as we often work with some more conservative audiences.

I consider myself quite progressive, but am having a hard time embracing more progressive views on gender. This makes me feel like a total bigot and in theory makes me agree with some unsavory characters, but here it goes. Since humans are a species that displays secondary sex characteristics, I think gender is fundamentally based on sex, while heavily influenced by society and culture. I do not think gender is a construct and that, in general, most men and women do act and appear a bit different and identify with that. Of course, there are many people that fall in the grey and do not fit that gender binary. I think using they/them for everyone is hypocritical and disregards the identities of cisgender and transgender folks. While I reject several gender norms, that does not make me any less of a woman or want to use they/them pronouns. I really don’t think we should remove gender from our social interactions or personal identities, but rather accept all people deserve the same respect and opportunities. I feel like in progressive circles this is an impossible topic to discuss and anyone dissenting from the most “inclusive” option is horrible and regressive. Am I horrible and regressive?Pro

— Call Me She

MyNameIsNot

"I am also concerned with how company partners may react to this as we often work with some more conservative audiences."

Oh fuck you. 

mrsconn23

Ugh, this LW is internalizing a lot of stuff that doesn't have anything to do with them.  

LW this person is doing NOTHING 'at' you.  They are trying to exist in a world that is currently not built for them and actively trying to hurt them in many ways.

Your company has decided to be progressive and allow for free expression.  They are clearly not worried about appeasing their 'more conservative' client base and/or if they get abandoned by them.  It should not be your concern. 

I get the impression this LW is an older (50's+) lady who has been in her career for a long time.  She may have had her fair share of fighting against biases and misogyny to be where she's at and I don't discount that.  But she's buying into TERF-y ideals and that's not cool. 

LW, you've acknowledged your biases.  You say you feel you're liberal/progressive, the next step is to explore why you have those biases and challenge yourself to find ways to let them go and see another perspective.  

charlotte989875

“Hi, I’m LW my pronouns are she/her” 

But yes you deserve to be identified by your preferred way- and you can correct this colleague if they misgender you- but you are wrong for thinking you’re  oppressed by being referred to as a gender neutral pronoun in the event someone doesn’t know how you identify. 

MissKittyDanger

I refer to a lot of people as "they/them" when I know the pronouns. Why? Who knows. Haven't really figured out why I default to neutral.
Has anyone been offended? Nope.

STARMOON44

The thing is truly no one cares what you think. You can skip all of this and just a) start getting your co-worker’s pronouns correct and, and when you have done that, b) ask them to use your correct pronouns as well. 

short+sassy

This is a lot of words for someone that sounds like they've never said anything to the new coworker.

I realize "preferred pronouns" are in the employees' e-mail signature.  But I rarely read an e-mail signature, lol.  Especially from a coworker. 

The next time the coworker uses the wrong pronoun, verbally and politely tell them, "In the future, I would prefer she/her pronouns." 

levioosa

Yeah, you are not half as progressive as you pretend to be. “I’m woke but really gender is biological and you can’t change that.” And you’re overly concerned with your “conservative clients?” STFU LW. No one is saying pronouns have to be obliterated. Get out of here with your strawman argument. You can ask to be referred to as She/They because that’s how you identify. If people call you they, either move on or gently correct “actually my pronouns are she/her.” But you’re lying to yourself if you think you’re anywhere near as progressive as you profess to be. 

VarunaTT

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have a new coworker who prefers they/them pronouns, but is okay with she/her. This person is also very female presenting, so I have mistakenly used she for this person but apologized and moved on. Our company and myself are quite progressive and willing to respect anyone’s preferred pronouns. All staff identify their preferred pronouns in their email signatures and our written and verbal communication reflects everyone’s preferred pronouns. The issue is this new person uses they/them as the default and refers to myself and binary colleagues as they. I am a cisgender, heterosexual, white woman and prefer she/her pronouns, like many of my colleagues. I recognize I’m privileged and biased, yet I fundamentally disagree with this attempt to deliberately not apply gender on everyone, especially folks who have clearly identified their preferred gendered pronoun! I now feel I can better empathize with people who struggle with pronouns, as it is jarring to see this person refer to me as they. I am also concerned with how company partners may react to this as we often work with some more conservative audiences.

I consider myself quite progressive, but am having a hard time embracing more progressive views on gender. This makes me feel like a total bigot and in theory makes me agree with some unsavory characters, but here it goes. Since humans are a species that displays secondary sex characteristics, I think gender is fundamentally based on sex, while heavily influenced by society and culture. I do not think gender is a construct and that, in general, most men and women do act and appear a bit different and identify with that. Of course, there are many people that fall in the grey and do not fit that gender binary. I think using they/them for everyone is hypocritical and disregards the identities of cisgender and transgender folks. While I reject several gender norms, that does not make me any less of a woman or want to use they/them pronouns. I really don’t think we should remove gender from our social interactions or personal identities, but rather accept all people deserve the same respect and opportunities. I feel like in progressive circles this is an impossible topic to discuss and anyone dissenting from the most “inclusive” option is horrible and regressive. Am I horrible and regressive?Pro

— Call Me She

Well, her coworker can just start calling her a TERF and that should cover all these issues to correctly identify her.

I can't do this with this letter today.  STFU already.  You're not being oppressed in any way shape or form, you're just uncomfortable.  Deal with it.

banana468

I was on w/ the LW until the LW basically contradicted everything from the beginning.

I am she/her but if you aren't sure and identify me as they to start that's fine.  If you continue to do it and do not honor she/her for me as I requested that's an issue.

That said, how hard is it to be more inclusive and to call people what they prefer?  This is making something hard for the sake of needing your soapbox. 

kerbohl

On one hand, I think it is important for people to have opinions and to feel safe to voice those opinions, even if they are ones that I disagree with.  On the other hand ... I'm just getting the vibe that LW is thinking "what I think is fact and I should be allowed to correct people".  So, not very progressive.  And there might be a good argument for stripping language of certain gendered words and just having one pronoun to refer to everyone, but there might also be arguments on the other side.  As long as they are not based in hate, you can have discussions about this.  LW doesn't sound like they want to engage in a conversation with this coworker because then they might be shown a different side of the argument and might not be as "right" as they think.  Whoops, just switched to the wrong pronouns for LW ...