Ohh, this is the perfect time to learn compromise, communication, and collaboration.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I (a gay guy in my 30s, living in the Midwest) have been dating a delightful man for almost a year. Here’s the problem: It bothers him that I don’t drive. I’ve never learned how, because I have a ton of anxiety around it. This is something I’m slowly working on, but I can’t fix it overnight. I’m pretty self-sufficient (work from home, use public transit or Uber, etc.), and the only time I’ve gotten a ride with him is when we’ve traveled far away for a date. I was very upfront with him about this from the beginning, but he seems more bothered by it recently. He has shared his fear that I’ll become dependent on him for transportation, and he wants us to create a timetable with “deadlines” for my learning to drive.

I’m pretty upset about this. I feel like I’m being given an ultimatum: Either fix this aspect of yourself or we’ll break up. Beyond that, learning to drive is something I really feel like I have to do for myself—not because someone is forcing me to do it. This has made me wonder if we could ever have any kind of future together. I guess my question is: should I trust my instincts about this relationship, or am I being unreasonable for not easing his concerns about my inability to drive?

— Baby, You Can’t Drive My Car

STARMOON44

The solution so obviously is work with your therapist to come up with an actual plan to learn to drive not just like a vague notion of it, and communicate to your partner that you do have a plan. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

The solution so obviously is work with your therapist to come up with an actual plan to learn to drive not just like a vague notion of it, and communicate to your partner that you do have a plan. 

This.  The reality of living in most areas is that you need to know how to drive a car as a means to be self sufficient.  

If the LW is not ready to do this then that's an issue that he needs to face and figure out what's more important - the plan or the partner. 

ei34

Is it shallow that I wouldn't date someone who didn't/couldn't drive?     ditto PP advice otherwise

mrsconn23

Your partner's concerns are just as valid as your fears about learning to drive.  He's trying to work with you to help you move past your fear of driving and also settle his concerns about future responsibility to you if you don't learn how to drive.  There are so many reasons learning to drive is important (especially in the mid-freaking-west) and he's not wrong in wanting you to try to learn. 

Also, coming up with a plan with your collaboration =/= an ultimatum.

banana468

ei34 said:

Is it shallow that I wouldn't date someone who didn't/couldn't drive?     ditto PP advice otherwise

There would have to be a SERIOUS reason to be with H if he couldn't drive.

It doesn't mean that I'd be out the door if he was suddenly unable to.  But we live in an area where having kids and jobs means a car for each adult driver.  If he did not drive by choice vs. a health issue this would be a problem.  If I became the driver for ALL THE THINGS he'd have to make up for that in other ways from a balanced household perspective. 

Casadena

I've had a few friends in the rural midwest who are in their 30s and still can't drive.  It's ridiculous.  I wanted that independence so much and got my license the MINUTE the DMV opened on my 16th birthday.  

ei34

banana468 said:

ei34 said:

Is it shallow that I wouldn't date someone who didn't/couldn't drive?     ditto PP advice otherwise

There would have to be a SERIOUS reason to be with H if he couldn't drive.

It doesn't mean that I'd be out the door if he was suddenly unable to.  But we live in an area where having kids and jobs means a car for each adult driver.  If he did not drive by choice vs. a health issue this would be a problem.  If I became the driver for ALL THE THINGS he'd have to make up for that in other ways from a balanced household perspective. 


SITB - I wouldn't date someone new who didn't drive (no matter what the reason was).  In an established, loving relationship, I know that something could arise that changes someone's ability to drive.  

short+sassy

ei34 said:

banana468 said:

ei34 said:

Is it shallow that I wouldn't date someone who didn't/couldn't drive?     ditto PP advice otherwise

There would have to be a SERIOUS reason to be with H if he couldn't drive.

It doesn't mean that I'd be out the door if he was suddenly unable to.  But we live in an area where having kids and jobs means a car for each adult driver.  If he did not drive by choice vs. a health issue this would be a problem.  If I became the driver for ALL THE THINGS he'd have to make up for that in other ways from a balanced household perspective. 


SITB - I wouldn't date someone new who didn't drive (no matter what the reason was).  In an established, loving relationship, I know that something could arise that changes someone's ability to drive.  

Someone who didn't drive was a dealbreaker when I was dating.  Back then, my H did have a driver's license.

In a long story, he lost his license years ago.  Nothing criminal.  But he had an out-of-state OR license that he let expire.  When he went to renew it with a Louisiana one, they don't have a "reciprocal" agreement with OR so they couldn't pull up any info about his previous license/driving record.  As such, he'd have to start from scratch to get a license here.

It was okay, at first.  Because, at the time, we lived close enough to the job he had back then that he could bike to work or take the bus.

But that was a long time ago and it PISSES ME OFF TO NO END, that he won't just do what he needs to do to get a driver's license.  He wastes hours of his time every week taking the bus everywhere.  Sometimes he takes Uber, which wastes about $100 every month.  And even though he hasn't had a f/t job in years, whereas I do...which is a whole 'nother rant...I'm the one who has to do ALL the errands that involve a car.  Like grocery shopping.  Plus not having a car also limits the job opportunities he can go for.

Because of my own frustrations and experience, I am very much on the b/f side.

Look, LW.  I realize you claim that he knew this limitation of yours from the beginning and was okay with it then.  Whelp.  Now he isn't.  You have every right to stand firm on never getting a driver's license.  But he also has every right to decide that it's not working for him anymore and break up with you over this.  Because this isn't something minor. 

mrsconn23

And I am going to harp on this point again, because I feel compelled to point it out when I see it. But LW, you are bordering on weaponizing your mental health issues (because you admit to anxiety about driving) against your BF.  The fact that you see him pushing/encouraging you to work on this and confessing his own concerns about your lack of driving skills having an impact on his life/happiness as an ultimatum is utter BS. He's making space for your concerns while trying to help you get better and you're shitting on him.  That's not how to have a healthy partnership. 

levioosa

I have a friend (in their 30s) who lives in the LA metropolitan area who does not drive. It drives me (pun intended) batty. Yes, they can take the train or bus into the city itself, but other than that it is really hard to get around here without a car or driving as public transit is not optimal. Tbh it’s really affected our friendship because I don’t always want to drive an hour and a half for lunch. And I feel guilty if she takes the train out to me because it’s a four hour trip and I feel like she should get to spend the night, which, once again, is a lot when I only want to lunch and socializing for a couple hours. I’ve tried to teach them in the past but it didn’t get very far. They like their public transit and have zero interest in changing it. And I hate to say it but that’s contributed to some drift between us and probably some of her other friends. 

banana468

levioosa said:

I have a friend (in their 30s) who lives in the LA metropolitan area who does not drive. It drives me (pun intended) batty. Yes, they can take the train or bus into the city itself, but other than that it is really hard to get around here without a car or driving as public transit is not optimal. Tbh it’s really affected our friendship because I don’t always want to drive an hour and a half for lunch. And I feel guilty if she takes the train out to me because it’s a four hour trip and I feel like she should get to spend the night, which, once again, is a lot when I only want to lunch and socializing for a couple hours. I’ve tried to teach them in the past but it didn’t get very far. They like their public transit and have zero interest in changing it. And I hate to say it but that’s contributed to some drift between us and probably some of her other friends. 

I'm trying to remember my NYC friends and all of them were suburban transplants who could drive and either had a car or "access" to one.  Like they could take a train to the station and their parents would drop their car off to get it.  

Public transportation where I live does not exist.  I suppose you can call it public to drive 15 miles to a train that could take me to New Haven but there's no public transportation to my grocery store or hair salon or the kids' schools (well - not to get ME there).