Wedding Woes

This is fake, right?

Dear Prudence,

I had a really, really dumb fling with my wife’s sister before we were married. I was 17 at the time, my girlfriend (Anna) was 18 and her sister (Bec) was 16. Bec and I hooked up when we were both high and drunk. It was nothing. A one-off mistake. Bec is not even into men, and she has never been my type. Anna and I had a fight and weren’t speaking, bumped into Bec at a party whose first girl crush just rejected her, and one thing led to another. We regretted it when sober and vowed to never mention it.

Five months later, we found out she was pregnant. She had no idea. Until she started getting pains in her side and went to the doctor, and she hadn’t gotten a period yet (her family are late bloomers, her sister didn’t start getting periods until she was 17, same with their mom apparently). Bec said she did not want kids, especially at 16, but it was too late for an abortion. She pretended it was a random guy,  and her family supported her through a closed adoption in another state. Anna and I went on to get married four years later and had three kids of our own. Bec married a lovely woman, Sarah, and they also had two kids, carried one each. The four of us and our four kids were close and still are—the only reason I use were is that Bec passed away a year ago. Her kids are teens, and she died in her 40s from COVID.

Three weeks ago, a young man came looking for his mom. Bec never told her wife and kids about her son she put up for adoption. Anna and I didn’t tell them either: Not our story to tell. (I never told Anna about the one-night stand.)

The kid, Henry, has apparently had a good life and loves his adoptive family but is looking for his roots. He was able to access his birth records when he was 18, but it took him a while to track her down. No father was listed. He’s been saying with Sarah and the kids; they were in shock, but they are a lovely family and have really taken to him. Sarah is treating him like her step-son, which is lovely. But he has been asking about his dad. Anna knows nothing as Bec refused to talk. She firmly told her sister she was a lesbian and her one mistake with a man wasn’t going to define her. Sarah knows nothing, she didn’t even know about Henry. She was hurt over that, but her love for Bec is stronger than that. My kids actually suggested to Henry he do a DNA test; my kids and Sarah’s kids have both jumped on board and reckon they are all going to order test kits together with Henry “for fun.” I am in a fucking panic.

I love my wife and family. I have it so good. Can I really be ruined for a mistake I made 30 years ago as a stupid drunk kid? We have three young/teen kids, they deserve to have a happy, non-broken family. What can I do to stop this DNA test? I’m thinking of inventing a fake father. Saying Bec told me about him but didn’t want anyone to know as he was a bad guy. Maybe if Henry thinks his dad is a seedy asshole, he won’t bother looking. Or will that blow up in my face? He seems like a nice kid, and I know he wants to stick around to get to know his mom’s two kids, his step-mom and his cousins, but I just need him out of here. How can I make him go away? Without revealing the truth? I’ve been nice but a bit distant to him.
I reckon he looks like me. No one else has noticed though, thank Christ.

— Mistakes Won’t Stay Away

Re: This is fake, right?

  • Stop lying. Tell your wife. Tell your kids. Tell Henry. If your wife divorces you and your kids yell at you that is not because of one mistake. It’s because of decades of lying. 
  • I'm really torn.  If the kids have also taken any kind of DNA to link through 23 and me or ancestry then LW may need to come clean.  
  • Well sure you should lie about his father because what will make this situation better is surely more lies. 

    Look, DNA tests are real and readily available- you can’t stop them from taking the tests and if you do it’s just
    going to make them wonder why. Its time to tell Anna the truth. They won’t stay away because they happened and you never dealt with it. It’s time to be an adult and come clean and deal with the consequences as they come. 
  • Wife needs to hear it from you before she hears it from the kids when that test is taken.  

  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Totally shocking that he wants to try and cover his big lie from 30 years ago with...another lie.  Grow up LW *eye roll*
  • Wow!!!! This is like a Lifetime movie. He has to come clean. He should have years ago, but here we are.


    image
  • I’m trying to put myself in the LW’s wife shoes.

    Hubby comes to me 30 years later with this story. I listen.  I take it in. I ask for time to process.  I don’t think I’d ask for a divorce.  However, given his lie for 30 years I’d probably question his story too. Did they really hook up when we were broken up or “on a break” (this has Ross and Rachel all over it). Math will help, given the kids age…. The marriage will really never be the same though, and I’d have to prepare for that….

  • I’m trying to put myself in the LW’s wife shoes.

    Hubby comes to me 30 years later with this story. I listen.  I take it in. I ask for time to process.  I don’t think I’d ask for a divorce.  However, given his lie for 30 years I’d probably question his story too. Did they really hook up when we were broken up or “on a break” (this has Ross and Rachel all over it). Math will help, given the kids age…. The marriage will really never be the same though, and I’d have to prepare for that….
    This. I mean, this is a LOT especially with the dead sister of it all and there being no way to hear her side of the story.  I wouldn't blame LW's wife for any action she takes in light of all this coming to a head.   
  • Yeah, maybe if it wasn't her sister. She would still be pissed about the lie,but might handle it a tad better if he was a teen and it was a random girl. Plus, he will have to tell his kids too.

    Messy, all the way around.
    image
  • I think the LW has to come clean but 30 years ago I can understand why it wasn't mentioned.  I don't think that was the right call but 30 years ago as a teenager the baby was given up for adoption and the thought was that they'd all move on. 

    I'm not a fan of countless lies but I can understand why in the early 90s that thought was that they could possibly move on from it. 
  • My "bs meter" is going off the charts.  One of the things setting it off is that it was "too late to have an abortion", when the sister realized she was pregnant.  Not counting present time fiascos, which might be what prompted this fake letter, but I'm pretty sure woman could have an abortion up to 6 months in their gestation, 30 years ago.  I know that's true for at least 20 years ago.

    But thanks LW, for the creative letter. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2022
    My "bs meter" is going off the charts.  One of the things setting it off is that it was "too late to have an abortion", when the sister realized she was pregnant.  Not counting present time fiascos, which might be what prompted this fake letter, but I'm pretty sure woman could have an abortion up to 6 months in their gestation, 30 years ago.  I know that's true for at least 20 years ago.

    But thanks LW, for the creative letter. 
    Abortion at 5 months is extremely rare. 
  • I’m trying to put myself in the LW’s wife shoes.

    Hubby comes to me 30 years later with this story. I listen.  I take it in. I ask for time to process.  I don’t think I’d ask for a divorce.  However, given his lie for 30 years I’d probably question his story too. Did they really hook up when we were broken up or “on a break” (this has Ross and Rachel all over it). Math will help, given the kids age…. The marriage will really never be the same though, and I’d have to prepare for that….
    I don't think the break thing is really the anchor here, though. 

    I could get over cheating 30 years ago, probably even with my sister. But I could never forgive my spouse for lying to me for basically the entirety of our adult lives. 
  • My "bs meter" is going off the charts.  One of the things setting it off is that it was "too late to have an abortion", when the sister realized she was pregnant.  Not counting present time fiascos, which might be what prompted this fake letter, but I'm pretty sure woman could have an abortion up to 6 months in their gestation, 30 years ago.  I know that's true for at least 20 years ago.

    But thanks LW, for the creative letter. 
    Abortion at 5 months is extremely rare. 
    I'd think it's fairly rare after 3 months, because women usually know by then if they are pregnant and make that decision.  But from 4-6 months, the procedure is the same and could have happened.  I believe it is more like a surgery at that point vs. the simpler machine that is used for 3 months or less.

    My anecdotal evidence.  I went with a friend to an abortion clinic about 20 years ago.  She was at 8 weeks for the first appointment and 9 weeks when the procedure was done, so was able to go with the cheaper, simpler option.  But they warned her in the first appointment that, once the fetus is past about 3 months, it's usually too large and the second method needs to be used.  They said the second method could be done up to 6 months.  I think it became illegal, once the fetus was more than 6 months.  FWIW, the second method was the same price whether it was 4, 5, or 6 months.

    There was literally a pricing sheet at the front desk.  Pfft.  I wish all doctors/hospitals did that.

    We also don't know how far long the sister was when "it was too late".  But that was just the one reason with a bit of fact, that made this letter sound fake to me. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • My "bs meter" is going off the charts.  One of the things setting it off is that it was "too late to have an abortion", when the sister realized she was pregnant.  Not counting present time fiascos, which might be what prompted this fake letter, but I'm pretty sure woman could have an abortion up to 6 months in their gestation, 30 years ago.  I know that's true for at least 20 years ago.

    But thanks LW, for the creative letter. 
    Abortion at 5 months is extremely rare. 
    I'd think it's fairly rare after 3 months, because women usually know by then if they are pregnant and make that decision.  But from 4-6 months, the procedure is the same and could have happened.  I believe it is more like a surgery at that point vs. the simpler machine that is used for 3 months or less.

    My anecdotal evidence.  I went with a friend to an abortion clinic about 20 years ago.  She was at 8 weeks for the first appointment and 9 weeks when the procedure was done, so was able to go with the cheaper, simpler option.  But they warned her in the first appointment that, once the fetus is past about 3 months, it's usually too large and the second method needs to be used.  They said the second method could be done up to 6 months.  I think it became illegal, once the fetus was more than 6 months.  FWIW, the second method was the same price whether it was 4, 5, or 6 months.

    There was literally a pricing sheet at the front desk.  Pfft.  I wish all doctors/hospitals did that.

    We also don't know how far long the sister was when "it was too late".  But that was just the one reason with a bit of fact, that made this letter sound fake to me. 
    LW said the sister hadn't gotten her period yet (late bloomers) so she had no idea she was pregnant. So she could've been 6 months along - she was getting pains in her side. Heck I worked with a doctor who had to do fertility treatments for her first baby but got pregnant while nursing that baby and didn't realize until she was almost 5 months along that she was pregnant again! It can happen.
  • My "bs meter" is going off the charts.  One of the things setting it off is that it was "too late to have an abortion", when the sister realized she was pregnant.  Not counting present time fiascos, which might be what prompted this fake letter, but I'm pretty sure woman could have an abortion up to 6 months in their gestation, 30 years ago.  I know that's true for at least 20 years ago.

    But thanks LW, for the creative letter. 
    Abortion at 5 months is extremely rare. 
    I'd think it's fairly rare after 3 months, because women usually know by then if they are pregnant and make that decision.  But from 4-6 months, the procedure is the same and could have happened.  I believe it is more like a surgery at that point vs. the simpler machine that is used for 3 months or less.

    My anecdotal evidence.  I went with a friend to an abortion clinic about 20 years ago.  She was at 8 weeks for the first appointment and 9 weeks when the procedure was done, so was able to go with the cheaper, simpler option.  But they warned her in the first appointment that, once the fetus is past about 3 months, it's usually too large and the second method needs to be used.  They said the second method could be done up to 6 months.  I think it became illegal, once the fetus was more than 6 months.  FWIW, the second method was the same price whether it was 4, 5, or 6 months.

    There was literally a pricing sheet at the front desk.  Pfft.  I wish all doctors/hospitals did that.

    We also don't know how far long the sister was when "it was too late".  But that was just the one reason with a bit of fact, that made this letter sound fake to me. 
    At 5 months (roughly 20 weeks) abortion is a far more involved procedure done over 2 days involving 2-3 hours one day 4-6 hours the next, most providers who do perform abortions won’t perform them at this time in pregnancy and typically only do because the fetus is incompatible with life or the mothers health is at risk. You can’t just walk into a clinic, even 20 years ago and get an abortion at 20+ weeks. We don’t even have a provider in Buffalo that will perform them after 20 weeks- we refer to providers in NYC. 


    Sorry if I'm wrong for maybe most places (don't know).  But that place absolutely did.  That is where my info came from.  I distinctly remember it because I was really surprised an abortion could be done up to 6 months.  And, while that didn't apply to my friend, I even asked a curiosity question.  They verified they performed abortions, up to 6 months.  Maybe it was only if the fetus was incompatible with life.  But they didn't say that and it wasn't my impression.  Nor was there any special mention of that on the pricing sheet.

    But we can play devil's advocate.  She didn't know for 5 months that she was pregnant.  Possible?  Sure.  But likely?  No.  Just like the entire letter is "possible", but every single detail is unlikely, even on its own.  And much less so when they are all combined together.

    Combine that with all the fake "my horrible abortion" stories...I'm specifically talking about the ones claiming to have been elective with a "I'm so sorry I did it and this is why abortion should be illegal" slant...that are popping up now.  It puts me on alert for stories that don't sound right or make much sense (the whole letter), though I realize the abortion sentence was only a small part of it.
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