Wedding Woes

Should she remove her MOH??

Dear Miss Manners: My daughter asked her best friend of 17 years to be her maid of honor, and she accepted. Shortly after that, there was a rumor that this friend would soon be moving out of state with her sister, 13 hours away.

While my daughter is not upset about the move, she is upset with how her friend handled it. The friend told several other people she would be moving, but neglected to tell her “best friend” until a month before the move. Not only that, but she gave her the news via text message after they had just spent a week together on vacation.

My daughter is hurt that she was only worth a text, and told her she needed a break from the friendship. Now they hardly communicate, and the friend never asks my daughter about wedding plans — but yet is still planning the bachelorette trip.

My daughter isn't even sure she wants her to stand next to her on the big day, but so far but hasn't had a talk with said maid of honor.

What are your thoughts? Does she still deserve to hold that title? Also, this friend’s sister and nephew are in the wedding as well, so this could cause my daughter to lose three people.

Re: Should she remove her MOH??

  • My advice:

    Dear MOB,

    If the text came after the time away together is it possible that the friend was trying to cushion the blow?  Certainly communication is best when verbal and not over text but if this is such a long relationship to be saved then the best thing to do is pick up the phone and clear the air. 

    Also, If there is a sister and a nephew involved then this has a potential to hurt a full family and not just the 3 people in the wedding.  Your daughter is advised to look at this from the perspective of a friend moving away and wanting to keep a friendship rather than attempting to burn a bridge over how the information was relayed.  

    Burt bridges take a long time to be rebuilt before roads can be reunited.  That's a big life lesson to impart upon your daughter.

  • Miss Manners advice:

    Not to mention a 17-year friendship?

    Considering how upset your daughter is, to the extent of considering throwing away that long friendship, Miss Manners suspects that the maid of honor might know her friend well enough to have been afraid of telling her about the move.

    And surely, if she is planning a trip in connection with this wedding, that is demonstration enough of her interest and commitment. It is no small chore to plan such a trip while in the middle of a move.

    Miss Manners urges you to help your daughter calm down and put this into perspective. It is no time to throw over an old friendship — or, as might strike her as more serious at the moment, a significant portion of her bridal party.

  • Also… maybe she was telling others “I may be moving soon” and didn’t know for sure until a month away? And wasn’t going to tell BFF until it was concrete?

  • I would tell all of my friends this information via text message. 
  • I agree with Miss Manners' advice. I understand why it would be upsetting to feel like you were the last to know about something, especially when it involves someone so close to you, but it's absolutely not worth losing a 17 year friendship over. 

    I don't know why MOH didn't tell LW's daughter sooner about the move or why she didn't say anything when they were on vacation together, but I'm sure there was some reason. While I will say I don't know that texting is the ideal way to talk in every situation, it is the main method of communication for most people these days (myself included), so I don't think MOH did anything horribly wrong in texting LW's daughter about the news.
  • While I understand why the bride was hurt, the MOH did still tell her about the move one month before it happened.  That's a decently long time.

    It wasn't like the MOH moved and then sent a text like, "Hey girl!  Moved 1,000 miles away to Pittsburgh last week.  Gonna miss our weekly Happy Hour get togethers.  Looking forward to your bachelorette party." 

    Maybe it wasn't a sure thing yet and the MOH didn't want to talk about it yet, while they were on vacation.  Maybe she was worried the bride wouldn't take it well and didn't want to put a damper on the vacation.

    I feel like the bride is about to blow up a long friendship over something that doesn't come close to warranting that.  They haven't even had a conversation about this!  That's the first step.

    Put down the texting and pick up the phone.  Or plan a lunch together if the MOH hasn't left yet.  Let the MOH know she was hurt to hear about the move via text and ask, calmly and with no accusing, why she hadn't mentioned it while they were on vacation.

    Because taking this woman out of the bridal party is probably friendship-ending.  And not just with the MOH, but with her sister and the nephew also.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards