Wedding Woes

Already did DTMFA. No advice needed here.

My (recently ex-)boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half and had lived together for a couple of months when I found out he still regularly masturbates to sex videos of himself and his ex, who is very beautiful and is now a minor celebrity. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with this and asked that he delete those videos. He didn’t want to, but I told him if he didn’t, we were through. I remained almost perfectly calm and stressed that he wasn’t necessarily doing anything wrong, I was just not comfortable with it personally and didn’t want to be in a relationship under those circumstances. He still wouldn’t delete the videos, so I did as I said I would and left, moving in with a female friend until I can get my own place again. My feeling is that if he chooses a few old videos over me, his love for me was never what I thought it was anyway.

But he continues to text and leave me voicemails, basically calling me a crazy, jealous b**** in one breath, and tearfully begging me to come back in the next—but without ever once offering to just delete the freaking videos. What gets me is, the friend I’m staying with and my other best friend both seem to agree with him, and think I should go back to him. My friend has plenty of room (I’m actually living in her pool house), so I think she just likes that he’s rich and good-looking, and they don’t think I can do any better. But I can’t see myself ever being OK with his holding onto and use of these videos. I doubt his ex would be thrilled about it if she knew, either. (Although she appears to have made the videos knowingly.) Am I completely wrongheaded or do I have the right to make this call?

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Re: Already did DTMFA. No advice needed here.

  • Only you can decide what you are and aren't comfortable with in a relationship, not your friends. You told your ex you'd leave if he kept using those videos, and you followed through. You did the right thing for yourself. Now, if you feel you need to, it's time to block your ex and get him to leave you alone.
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  • No.  That was weird and you did the right thing.  If he masterbated to some random porn video, it’s a different story but he’s going back to videos of a naked ex. Not OK.

  • He's calling you a bitch but then begging you to come back? Nope. And your friends suck too. 

    IMO it's totally different than watching porn. I have no problem with my SO watching porn. But videos he took with an ex? No. 
  • Block him.

    But also, it's time to move. You're staying with a friend who thinks him having money means you should put up with this. Nope. 
  • Why is her friend even sticking her nose in the LW's business?  And giving bad advice, on top of that.

    What the LW asked their ex to do was a reasonable request for probably most people.  I'd even go so far as to say it's fine he wasn't willing to do it, because he gets to draw his own boundaries.  But it was also fine for the LW to walk away.

    But now we come to the aftermath.  Name calling and roller coaster behavior from the ex?  Hell no.  Sounds like the video thing really brought out his worst colors.  Never mind the videos.  This is an even bigger reason the LW should stay far away. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    LW needs to block ex-bf and have a major CTJ talk with their friends...I wouldn't suggest dumping the friends and finding new ones, but definitely move out and set boundaries bc LW did a terrific job of that with the bf. 
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