It's a great time to stop being a doormat

short+sassy

I am happily single, while my sister is married to the biggest man-baby on the planet. He thinks putting a dirty dish in the sink is worthy of a parade and being a good parent is telling my sister the baby is crying before going back to his video game. Both work full time, but my sister takes care of the kids, the house, and the dogs, and she constantly leans on me to help out (while complaining about her husband refusing to). I have been watching and raising my young nieces since they were born when my sister can’t. I love them to pieces—but I have been waiting for them to get old enough so my sister doesn’t have to pay for expensive infant care. I am tired of being expected to pick them up from school five days a week and to take care of them when my sister works weekends while my brother-in-law goes camping with his friends. My sister has gone back and forth about getting a divorce for years, and I have tried to be as neutral as I could possibly be, but we have fought about it. She tells me I can’t understand that a marriage is about compromise and companionship—I don’t get an opinion.

My problem is I put in for a promotion that requires me to move fairly far away—and I got it! It is a huge step in my career. When I took my sister out for a celebration lunch, she grew upset when I told her about the move. She said I couldn’t abandon her now. She was pregnant again and would need me. I told her that was the most selfish and self-centered thing she could possibly say to me. Did she really expect me to orient my entire life around hers and her freaking failure of a husband? My sister told me to shut up and insulted me—it isn’t like I had anything worthwhile going on in my life. I shot back that at least I wasn’t as willfully stupid as she was; her husband didn’t lift a finger for baby one and two, did she think baby three would be any different? She got up and left. She refuses to talk to me other than calling me to help out with my nieces. I am frustrated beyond belief. I love my sister, but I have given seven years of my life to propping up hers, and she can’t be happy for me for once. What should I do?

— Moving On

VarunaTT

LW, I get why you exploded but neither one of you handled this right.  You do what is good for you, which is moving to further your career.  Your sister will come around and decide what to do with her own life or she won't, but it's time for you to be finished with having any sort of involvement in those things.  I think the distance will definitely help usher that in.

downtondiva

What should you do? Keep living your life. It's not your responsibility to make up for the fact that your sister married a jerk she can't or won't stand up to. Stop making yourself so available to help before you move away, and once you have moved, enjoy your promotion and your new home and don't feel guilty.

climbingsingle

I bet if LW stopped helping out so much, the sister would have a much clearer picture on how her husband is failing her as a partner. 

banana468

You owe your sister an apology for how you handled the conversation but not for the job.

I feel for the sister in that she's feeling trapped.  But that doesn't mean that you need to be down in the fox hole with her.

MyNameIsNot

It sounds like you and your sister are more alike than you realize; you're both doormats. You both handled the confrontation wrong, but that's not really the meat of this.

Take the job and live your life. Your sister will get over it or she won't. She'll stand up to this loser or she'll find another patsy to pick up his slack. It's not your problem. 

short+sassy

The sister and her H have been asking WAY too much of the LW for years.  The LW should have shut down some of this in the beginning.  It's outrageous they pick up their nieces from school every day and babysit them, most weekends.

Not only is this promotion a great opportunity, but I think just moving away from this toxic situation will do them a world of good.  

The sister can be sad her life is getting even harder, but that's just too bad.  It's not like she checked with the LW about getting pregnant again, even though the LW was apparently expected to give up even more of their life to help out.

The LW was wrong in how they blew up but, going forward, stay calm and firm.  Keep the sister informed on timing, ie this will be the last week I can pick up the nieces from school.  Leave the situation when she rants, rails, and name calls.

MesmrEwe

Take the promotion and RUN LW!!!!

LW is being just as much of a doormat/martyr to the cause as the Sister, and the Sister needs to take a two-week long trip away from the H and make him figure it out with the kids whether he's a sperm donor or a Dad, but he's obviously going to continue to not lift a finger unless he's forced to do so because to this point he's never been even asked to step up, so what if he whines about changing a diaper, buy him some gloves and hand him the wipes!