Dear Prudence,
I am a 34-year-old who was assigned female at birth, and who is slowly becoming more sure I am nonbinary. I have never felt very feminine and was the traditional “tomboy” growing up. As an adult, I have a male-dominated career and a male-dominated hobby I am heavily in. Despite my chosen pursuits, I’ve always been sure I was not a boy, and although “girl” was always an uncomfortable fit, I learned to make my peace with it in my mid-to-late 20s, ironically just as I was becoming more aware there were more than the two options out there.
My sibling who was assigned male at birth came out as nonbinary a couple of years ago and it hasn’t gone well with our family. Although nobody is overtly transphobic to them, no family members over 50 will reliably use they/them pronouns (“it’s too hard”) and often confide in me that they don’t “get it.” I never understood society’s obsession with gender—at best it seems strange and at worst oppressive—so I truly can’t understand why some otherwise lovely people can’t wrap their minds around nonbinary people years after the fact. Sure, it’s an adjustment at first, but it seems fairly straightforward to me.
All of this is complicating my feelings about coming out. I don’t feel gender dysphoria when people use she/her pronouns to refer to me, and I definitely don’t feel a need for any medical transition. I would love for people to stop putting feminine stereotypes on me, but honestly, I think most gendered stereotypes are bad for everyone. I feel torn—half of me feels like a coward for not coming out, and the other half of me feels exhausted by the thought of doing so. I live in a very liberal area and my family reliably votes liberally, but I still know this would be an uphill battle for years, if not indefinitely. Part of me also feels like if I don’t “need” a change (pronouns, surgery, etc.) I should just carry on as-is, but the itch in the back of my mind about this just isn’t going away.
—Please Don’t Ask for My Pronouns