Let them choose their choices and butt out.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

My older sister got married to her husband 12 years ago and moved out of state. They are still living in a one-bedroom apartment with no children. My mom and dad are worried. I’m worried about my sister too, but I already feel like there’s nothing we can do because I myself had an argument with my sister and her husband about vaccines (they are anti-vaccine) and I was the bad guy for caring about their health. My parents are worried because they’ve heard that women who have children in their late 30s may have health issues. They are concerned for their well-being, as am I. Twelve years on and no progress in the family or financial column.

When my mom asks what’s the hold-up, my sister will say, “Oh well now is not the right time, I want my kids to go to a good school; my husband is changing jobs; my husband is opening a business, and what if he needs my help.” It’s always something. We feel that they are not open with us. My mom wants to have a talk with them to really try and help, but she’s afraid that they will get offended and things may get heated, which my mom and dad don’t want. Would my mom be overstepping? Should we just mind our own business and let things go?

—Genuine Concern

VarunaTT

They are seriously overstepping already.  People's decisions about children are not anybody's goddamn business but their own.  I'm having seriously unpleasant flashbacks of my former MIL right now.  And the fact that the family is being politely bean dipped is pretty nice, IMHO, b/c I would've told them to STFU already.

banana468

There's a lot in this and not all of it is a signal that they're making bad decisions.

Being anti vaccine is their own choice.  You can choose how to associate with them based on that information.

But living in a 1 BR and not having children does not mean that they're making the wrong choice FOR THEM.  Unless they're in a 1 BR and you are concerned that the place itself is not safe then leave it alone.  They're married, not having kids and she's doing her best to tell you to stop inserting yourself where it isn't your business. 

They're likely not open with you because you are intrusive and your worries are not founded in complete logic.

STARMOON44

Omg stop harassing them living in a one bedroom with no kids is not a crisis. 

mrsconn23

There's nothing about this that makes sense from a perspective of being concerned about someone's welfare.  LW doesn't indicate sister has asked for money from them or their parents, there's no stated concern abuse is happening, or anything else beyond an odious POV on vaccinations (which is their choice...so, wear a mask if you're around them??).   Family planning and finances are their choices.  

They're 'not open' because y'all are judging the shit out of them and butting in where you don't belong.  Just let your sis and BIL live their lives.  If this their best life then it is what it is.  

short+sassy

Newsflash, LW:  Your sister and BIL don't want to have children.

But it's easier to tell you and your parents vague reasons why it isn't now, instead of telling you all the truth.  I'm sure the truth would be a step-up in harassment from you all.  With all kinds of judgmental words like "selfish" and "duty".

climbingsingle

Wow. Butt the fuck out of your sister's life. Who are you and your parents to decide the benchmarks of success for them? No wonder they aren't open with you. This is none of your business! 

downtondiva

Why are you automatically jumping to the conclusion that your sister is unhappy? Maybe she and her husband prefer a smaller living space and don't want kids. Maybe she makes these excuses about not having kids because she's afraid you and your parents will judge her for just not wanting any.

Everyone has different priorities, and your sister not having the same priorities as you doesn't make one of you right and one of you wrong. Unless your sister tells you she's unhappy and needs help, you have to back off and mind your own business. 

charlotte989875

LW sucks. 

climbingsingle

I'm curious as to what Prudie's response was to this. 

CharmedPam

charlotte989875 said:

LW sucks. 

& the parents aren’t gems either

MNNEBride

Prudie's response:

Other people’s decisions and finances are always going to be tricky things about which to offer opinions. Add to that opinions about what a person decides to do with her body and you’re really putting yourself in a pickle. Your parents may choose to overstep as they are clearly invested in grandchildren and also the well-being of their child. But you should stay out of it. If there’s nothing raising flags except the fact that they don’t have more room or kids, then you’re best to leave them be. You may also want to have a frank talk with your parents about what kind of help they plan to offer. If it’s financial, do they have the means to significantly change your sister’s prospects? And would a huge influx of cash make a difference with regard to your sister and her husband’s decisions about kids?

I know that you and your parents are concerned, but it’s likely to feel like you’re putting expectations on your sister that she doesn’t have for herself. It’s even possible that the excuses your sister is giving your family are just attempts to be left alone. She may not want kids at all; she may love her small apartment. Whatever the case, inserting yourself even more is unlikely to help.

kerbohl

This just ties in to this fixation on stuff and the assumption that women want children that is so prevelant in so much of society.  Small spaces are easier to clean - if you don't need space, that is not a bad thing.  I could very happily live in a one bedroom house (I do need a big backyard, I would HATE an apartment with no green space) if hubby would be happy with that too.  We looked at a house with four bathrooms, and I noped out of that because I could not fathom why I would need that many bathrooms.  We have two, but we never use the one, it's pretty much the dog's bathroom since she likes to sleep on the floor in there.

And why, why, even when it is family members WHY do people still have to talk to women about their "concern" that they are childless.  There are so many different reasons someone might be married for that long and are still child free.  Leave it alone!