Classic: Talk to the woman

mrsconn23

My wife and I (we’re both women) have been together for 10 years, married just over three. She is the most amazing person I have ever known. I adore her, and I know she loves me based on her actions every day. She is kind, caring, funny, and we cook, take care of our pets, and keep our home as equal partners. The trouble is, I don’t think she’s in love with me anymore, at least not the way I am with her.

VarunaTT

The rest:

The trouble is, I don’t think she’s in love with me anymore, at least not the way I am with her. We are rarely intimate—maybe six times a year. We aren’t even that physically affectionate anymore, and it’s not for a lack of trying on my part. I’m only 46, and she’s only 35; we’re both healthy and active. I have done everything I can to rekindle some basic affection. I have flirted, taken her out on dates, left her sweet notes, sent sexy texts, suggested we watch porn together, bought toys, engaged in her hobbies and interests, discussed it, not discussed it, suggested sex therapy, suggested a medical checkup (I think she may be depressed, but she does not, and her last physical didn’t raise any flags for the doctor), been understanding, been hurt and angry, cried, ignored it, changed my hairstyle, lost weight, changed my wardrobe, you name it. I have spoken to her about it on multiple occasions, and she always listens, seems concerned (even tearing up), nods in all the right places, agrees, and says we need to work on it, and then, nothing changes.

When we are intimate, it is amazing, almost like the first time, but it’s so rare. When we discuss it, I am calm, rational, and choose my words carefully, always reassuring her that I am fully committed and not looking to go outside our relationship, unless of course that is something she is interested in. She usually responds with nothing, staring at me with wide eyes, nearly crying, saying she doesn’t know what to say and that she’s caught off guard by the conversation.

Last night I admitted that I am sad and lonely and tired of nothing changing, tired of trying so hard with no results, and tired of trying to get a hug or kiss out of my wife. We had the same conversation (that is to say, I gave the same monologue), with the same lack of results. I outright asked if she’s happy and she said in general no (she feels stuck in a dead-end job and stressed about the state of the world), but at home yes. She doesn’t think she’s asexual (and the first few years of our relationship seem to bear that out) or that there’s a medical reason for this, and she isn’t “looking around” and “doesn’t want to go anywhere,” but she has no other explanation. She insists she loves me and does really enjoy sex but just doesn’t know what’s wrong. As I told her last night, I am reaching a breaking point. Ninety-nine percent of our relationship is perfect, and I feel like I have the greatest wife on the planet, except for this. I’m at a loss and dreading the next few decades of sexlessness.

VarunaTT

The conversation needs to be turning to an action plan together.  Seek out therapy, seek out medical advice (just b/c a normal physical didn't show anything, doesn't mean there isn't a reason, this is a specific problem to be discussed), whatever it takes.  B/c this isn't a small problem for LW, therefore, it's not a small problem for the marriage.  And yeah, I faced the sexless (and really the farther away I get from it, the complete lack of intimacy) marriage and decided I couldn't do it, b/c it did affect everything for me.  It ended up with me falling out of love with exH b/c there wasn't anything different about him in my life from a roommate...I had more intimacy with some of my best friends than I did with him.

STARMOON44

If she won’t do anything to help resolve this, get a divorce. Life is too short. 

charlotte989875

I feel so bad for the LW- they’ve taken this on as something they are doing wrong (losing weight, changing their clothes?!)  and not something their wife is unable or unwilling to work on. 

Therapy individually if wife don’t go with LW. 

CharmedPam

Both have to want to make it work.  It sounds like LW’s wife doesn’t even want to try? I have to question if therapy would even help if she felt like she was being dragged to it?

First step would be a real talk. Find out if LW’s wife has really thrown in the towel and take it from there?