I want to 'Waiting to Exhale' my house, but my sister needs a place to live.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My ex-fiancé and I were building our dream house on land my grandparents left me, when I caught him secretly carrying on a relationship with his ex while still planning to marry me for my money. The wedding is off, and I’ve decided to donate the almost finished house to our local fire department to burn down for training. This will be hugely cathartic, and I’m looking forward to it.

But I’m catching flak from “Kate,” my older half-sister, who is living in a women’s shelter with her three younger kids since leaving her abusive addict husband. She works but does not make enough for an apartment. Her oldest son turned 13 and had to move into a group home with a bunch of wild boys since the shelter doesn’t allow males over 12. Kate thinks I should let her and her kids move into the house if I don’t want it.

My dad, who’d be happy to see my ex burned alive in the house, thinks I should go ahead with it. But my mom is hinting that even though it’s my house and I can do whatever I want with it, she’ll be disappointed if I don’t let Kate live there, reminding me how Kate enabled her to have a career by babysitting me when I was little. I’m dying for those flames, but I don’t want to feel selfish or guilty! I feel like everyone just wants to use me for money without caring about my feelings. What should I do?

— Burn it Down

banana468

So your parents want you to pay to finish the house and then not live in it yourself but let your sister move in?   What is the long term solution for recouping any rent/payment?

It is GREAT that your sister babysat you while your mom worked but that in no way means that it's a debt owed to her BY YOU and now she needs to live rent free in your house.  I don't buy into the concept that the sister needs to be repaid for helping out as a teen and if there was repayment owed it's by your mom not you.

Your sister needs a better solution than one that's likely going to cost you more money long term. 

STARMOON44

It’s just wildly inappropriate and flagrantly wasteful
and disrespectful to burn down a brand new house. OP should feel selfish and guilty. We literally only get one planet. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

It’s just wildly inappropriate and flagrantly wasteful
and disrespectful to burn down a brand new house. OP should feel selfish and guilty. We literally only get one planet. 

Is your solution that the LW let her sister live in the house?

What is your solution for the needed training fire fighters need?

VarunaTT

Burn some old letters or clothes or something.  This is an obscene level of waste.  I know there are ways to have a house taken apart and the materials reused, that would be better than this.  I'm truly appalled at this.

And really...though I don't agree with emotional manipulation or owing a debt, letting Kate live there while she's in an emergency situation is better than burning it down. I think there needs to be some sort of middle management w/contracts to take care of it, so that it doesn't get personal with family.

ETA:  And get some damn therapy.

STARMOON44

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

It’s just wildly inappropriate and flagrantly wasteful
and disrespectful to burn down a brand new house. OP should feel selfish and guilty. We literally only get one planet. 

Is your solution that the LW let her sister live in the house?

What is your solution for the needed training fire fighters need?

I think she could consider selling the house to her parents or to a third party. I don’t think she has to gift her sister a free house. 

I’m not aware of any reason fire fighters would need to burn down a brand new house instead of one scheduled for demolition for other reasons. 

VarunaTT

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

It’s just wildly inappropriate and flagrantly wasteful
and disrespectful to burn down a brand new house. OP should feel selfish and guilty. We literally only get one planet. 

Is your solution that the LW let her sister live in the house?

What is your solution for the needed training fire fighters need?

I think she could consider selling the house to her parents or to a third party. I don’t think she has to gift her sister a free house. 

I’m not aware of any reason fire fighters would need to burn down a brand new house instead of one scheduled for demolition for other reasons. 

My fire department has a few different towers in town and surrounding areas that they burn all the time for training.  They're made of brick.  I don't know all the rules about it, but fire fighters already have methods in place for training, they're not out here begging for people to donate houses to burn down.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

It’s just wildly inappropriate and flagrantly wasteful
and disrespectful to burn down a brand new house. OP should feel selfish and guilty. We literally only get one planet. 

Is your solution that the LW let her sister live in the house?

What is your solution for the needed training fire fighters need?

I think she could consider selling the house to her parents or to a third party. I don’t think she has to gift her sister a free house. 

I’m not aware of any reason fire fighters would need to burn down a brand new house instead of one scheduled for demolition for other reasons. 

My fire department has a few different towers in town and surrounding areas that they burn all the time for training.  They're made of brick.  I don't know all the rules about it, but fire fighters already have methods in place for training, they're not out here begging for people to donate houses to burn down.

If that's the case then I agree the burn down is inappropriate. 

Then this is more of ETA here. But the freedom here is that the LW does not owe someone her house.  Regardless of the feelings of burning it down, I don't think it means that the sister is owed anything. 

mrsconn23

First of all, I know this is a thing for older homes that are going to be torn down, but would a fire dept. really accept a damn near brand new house for this training?  Also, our fire dept. has been slowly building a whole training field for years right off our interstate with shipping containers and buses and whatnot.  So for all those reasons, I think this is a super dumb idea and so wasteful. 

Secondly, her sister is experiencing an emergent situation.  She's literally homeless and her family is being broken up inside the shelter system.  Unless sister has done something so unforgivable to LW that was not mentioned in the letter, there's no justification for LW not letting sister move in.  Have her sign a lease, help pay to finish the house, agree that it's going to be x amount of time and then you're going to sell the place. 

Third, this will not bring LW peace.  At best, it would be momentary catharsis.  What happened would still be what happened. Doing something kind or altruistic would be more healing than this.  Also, T-H-E-R-A-P-Y

And lastly, this reads so fucking fake.  

VarunaTT

I think the important thing is that this is on LW's land, so if she's not keeping the house, something has to happen with it.  I don't think burning it down is appropriate; the monetary/moral cost of the lumbar alone is just an obscene waste.  How would this even work, is she just losing all this money or what?  Again, she can have it torn down and those materials re-used.  She could look at it as, "This thing makes me unhappy and now it will go to building another home that will be happy" or some other reframing of thoughts.

CharmedPam

STARMOON44 said:

It’s just wildly inappropriate and flagrantly wasteful
and disrespectful to burn down a brand new house. OP should feel selfish and guilty. We literally only get one planet. 

What @STARMOON44 said.  That satisfation will live with you one day. Maybe a few hours. The next day you’d be looking at a pile of expensive burnt ashes. Where will that get you?

MyNameIsNot

Maybe go to therapy and figure out a way to find some catharsis from the ended relationship by helping your sister keep her family together and keeping your nephew out of a group home.

Seriously, spend an afternoon reading about kids who spend their teen years in group homes and how it works out for them. It's not exactly a great way to grow up. No one is asking you to go to any great hardship to avoid this, it's simply not burning down a fucking house. 

charlotte989875

Candidly? LW sucks. What happened to you is awful but burning down a perfectly good house for symbolism and hopeful (but unlikely) catharsis is dangerous and irresponsible. 

I also think LW could help her sister now, but that doesn’t mean they have to help indefinitely. Sign a lease, set parameters for her living there, and figure out how to move on with your life. 

levioosa

Goddamn LW, how wealthy are you that you will burn down a fucking house for the shits and giggles? Sell the house/land and take yourself on a fabulous vacation, let your sister live there, keep it on the back burner for later, but Jesus, burning it down is immature, selfish, and ecologically wrong. And fake letter or not, there is no way the fire department would use this for training. They use the brick buildings for a reason. The gas/flames can be turned off in an instant if the training goes south. You can’t do that in a regular house with potentially unknown building materials. 

downtondiva

I have never heard of fire departments doing training by setting fire to an actual house, and I think this is incredibly wasteful. Sell the house and let someone else have the opportunity to create a home there if you no longer want it. 

As for your sister, would it really kill you to let her live there at least for a while, considering that she's in a pretty dire situation right now? Even if you set a time limit before you put the house on the market, it could still do her and her family a world of good. I think burning down a house that could go to good use and/or get you good money just because of bad memories is ridiculous, and as others have said, is it really going to make you feel that much better?

banana468

downtondiva said:

I have never heard of fire departments doing training by setting fire to an actual house, and I think this is incredibly wasteful. Sell the house and let someone else have the opportunity to create a home there if you no longer want it. 

As for your sister, would it really kill you to let her live there at least for a while, considering that she's in a pretty dire situation right now? Even if you set a time limit before you put the house on the market, it could still do her and her family a world of good. I think burning down a house that could go to good use and/or get you good money just because of bad memories is ridiculous, and as others have said, is it really going to make you feel that much better?

I've seen departments set intentional fires to old cars and structures but never new ones.  

VarunaTT

What was Prudie's answer on this one, I'm curious.

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

What was Prudie's answer on this one, I'm curious.

Dear Burn it Down,

I’m going to take you at your word that this is a real scenario, but I have a lot of questions. The financial disparity between you and Kate is jarring, but I’m assuming that your wealth is from the inheritance, or perhaps you have money on your own and the inheritance added to it. And I presume that it’s that money that would be needed to finish construction on this house should Kate get to move in. You can do whatever you want with your property, of course, and as someone who has watched Angela Bassett’s iconic scene in Waiting to Exhale dozens of times, I know how cathartic strutting away from a blaze you set (or at least facilitated) can be. But building a house and then setting fire to it while your half-sister and her kids are in a shelter and a group home gets a little close to “Dickensian villain” for my taste.” And even if they weren’t a consideration and you don’t want to sell the land itself (with the house to another buyer), destroying a whole house is just incredibly wasteful from a resources and environmental standpoint. All this wood got through the supply chain just to end up kindling? My gracious! I know that you’re hurt, and your feelings are valid. But practically speaking, this is a little hard to rationalize. Now, giving Kate your house comes with its own set of questions: Is this an outright gift or would she rent? Will she pay some or all of the costs to finish construction? Can she pay property tax? Taking over this place is not as simple as perhaps Kate is thinking of it. If you do proceed, there are some things that should be worked out in advance, possibly with the advice of an attorney.

But all that benefits Kate. What about you? I wonder if there’s a way for you to get catharsis through different means. Perhaps there’s even something that Kate can help with. You write that it feels like everyone is using you for your money, which is something you should probably talk out with Kate, no matter what you decide. It’s important that you feel validated, and it isn’t like Kate has an implicit right to the house. See if you can find a way to separate your feelings from the house and let it transform into something good, and generative, and, most importantly, unburned.

MesmrEwe

GIGANTIC waste of resources!  SNS!  I also agree with Prudie, it borders on Storyline Villain level!  

Hire a construction company to deconstruct the property and donate the materials to Habitat for Humanity or another charity building a site.  Turn it into a twin home only finishing enough for the sister and family to viably live (reestablish herself) and rent out the rest, or sell it to the parents to do as they see fit.  Contract for Deed with the Sister, etc.  Maybe get some therapy and find a new catharsis...  Maybe if it's viable, remodeling it into something for the sister and family to do the finishing themselves, get a small area of the house livable (Closed roof/siding/doors/windows/heat/AC/power/water/septic, Bathroom and kitchenette) while finishing the rest a bit at a time - that's okay and far surpasses a shelter situation!! Sell it and go move to Tahiti LW!  There's so many other options.  

The Fire Department would rather burn down a local problem house or something being torn down to build the new hospital/school on the property as a "training" site than a brand new build.  Also, the permitting for "Controlled burns" is considerable, costly, and by itself takes months to get through and tons of man-hours to even get ready as there are materials not allowed to be included in the burn that need to be removed and discarded at a cost along with the final foundation and presuming septic removal which also isn't cheap..  There's a time and place for controlled burns training, this certainly isn't it.. 

ei34

What on God's green earth did I just read?!  Of all the things that I'm annoyed about LW for I think the most is that they didn't share a gofundme or some way to assist Kate and the kids who need HELP, NOW.  
LW would benefit from therapy bc saying that "everyone is just using me for my money" tells me they were burned by the ex-fiance and is unable to separate something shady with him from a family member in need.  LW just makes it sound like they have money to spare...I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night knowing I had family members unable to afford anything but group homes and shelters.  Could a lawyer draw up some sort of rental agreement, that Kate would be held to, with an increase in rent or a move out date in a few years when Kate gets her bearings and can afford her own apartment?

Also I don't know where they live but a fire department using a random house for training wouldn't fly here.  Fire academies have dummy buildings where they control the flame level, smoke level, heat level, visibility level...running into an unknown house/building/business is a literally the biggest risk factor of their dangerous jobs.  That a fire dept agreed to this is actually the part of the letter that makes me think the whole thing is fake, not LW's lack of compassion.

Casadena

My grandma donated an old house she owned that needed to be torn down to the fire department and they burned it down.  It was cool to watch.  So that's definitely possible.  That said, this is fucking outrageous and LW should feel absolutely horrible for not helping her sister.  Sure, she doesn't HAVE to.  But I literally cannot imagine letting my sister rot in a shelter and split from her kids after she found the strength to leave an abusive husband and LW is disgusting for even considering that.  

short+sassy

My burning, haha, question is what's left to complete the house?  My impression is, it's a lot and it's nowhere close to move-in ready.

It's foolish and wasteful to burn it.  Even if there isn't much done, there's always someone willing to buy it.

But the sister and the family also might be ridiculous in thinking the sister can live there.  The LW is done with this house.  They shouldn't spend another $1 to finish it.  Sell it for what they can and walk away.

climbingsingle

I truly cannot imagine having an "almost done" house and wanting to just burn it down. I mean, shit, I burned my wedding dress. But a damn house? Especially when your sister is living in a shelter and her kid is in a group home?? That's fucked up.