Wedding Woes

You know the answer is to back off from all of them and hold firm on not apologizing.

Dear Prudence,

I hit my mid-thirties after dropping the dead weight of a relationship that was more chore than connection. I finally have moments of happiness rather than hopelessness. My sister has been divorced twice and is permanently estranged from her oldest daughter. My sister chose her second homophobic husband over her lesbian daughter. My niece hasn’t spoken to anyone in our family for three years.

Anyway, my sister is obsessed over my single status. She constantly reminds me about my biological clock and how “hard” it is to find a good man after forty. She makes crazy cat lady jokes and lectures me about how I need to be serious about dating. The subject is in every interaction we have. I have tried to brush off her concerns, telling her to drop the subject and that I am happy with my life and wouldn’t be changing it just because she said so. My sister hotly told me I was lying to myself and there was no way I could be satisfied without being married and a mother. I retorted back that it didn’t work out so well for her: Two failed marriages, her sons barely see their father, and her daughter wants nothing to do with her, so maybe she should work on her own life rather than fixating on mine.

It was a low blow. But it was nothing but the truth, and my sister would not let up on me about being single. Well, she cursed me out and now refuses to talk to me. This estrangement has put a lot of stress on our parents and they keep pressuring me to apologize. I have told them I will if my sister will. They tell me that isn’t going to happen because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong and only acted out of love. I apparently just “attacked her out of nowhere.” I am just tired. How do I deal with this?

— Sister Trouble

Re: You know the answer is to back off from all of them and hold firm on not apologizing.

  • "Why is it acceptable to make insinuations about my mental state but not assess the elephant in the room?" 

    The sister was gaslighting and the family fell for it. 
    VarunaTTmrsconn23
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    LW just told her sister cold hard facts.  Is being married with kids the only way to be happy?

    having 20 cats is also happiness. 


    STARMOON44mrsconn23charlotte989875kerbohl
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It sounds like this has worked out for the best. Just leave it alone and learn to set some boundaries with your parents when they bring it up.

    And maybe check on your niece?
    banana468mrsconn23downtondivaei34
  •  You're well rid of her, in my opinion, and you can tell your parents that you won't be visiting or speaking to them for as long as they keep hounding you about apologizing. 

    Yes, what you said to your sister was very harsh, but quite frankly, she had it coming. You don't just have to sit there and take it when someone insults your life and relationship status, and considering her track record and bad choices, she's got some nerve telling you how to lead your life. Don't even think about apologizing for what you said until she says sorry first...if she ever does.
    image
    mrsconn23STARMOON44
  • It sounds like this has worked out for the best. Just leave it alone and learn to set some boundaries with your parents when they bring it up.

    And maybe check on your niece?
    This.  Put your energy into that vs. proving you're 'right' to your parents and sister.  They'll never see it. 
    STARMOON44banana468ei34
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I mean this sounds like an easy win for LW. “Mom and dad, I love you but we won’t address this any more. I’m not discussing my life with sister and I’m not apologizing. We’re moving on from this conversation.” And then check in on niece although don’t expect a warm welcome if you dropped her like a hot potato and took the path of least resistance when your sister chose the bigot life. 


    image
    mrsconn23ei34short+sassy
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