Wedding Woes

What is up with the husbands today?!

Dear Prudence,

I want to know if I’m overreacting, and if not, how to proceed without blowing up my marriage. My husband is not from here and moved to the city about 10 years ago. It was supposed to be short-term until he met me. We have been married for eight years and have two wonderful daughters. When we got married, a lot of his friends and family declined to come based on the costs associated with travelling. I understood and never held a grudge. My husband was upset but let it go. Since then, about seven friends from “back home” got married. Regardless of our financial situation, family situation, health (high-risk pregnancy with numerous hospitalizations), he has flown home to attend, and partake, in all these weddings. We have had fights, I’ve voiced my opinions, but in the end, I caved.

His lifelong best friend moved to our city a few years ago and also met someone. He has recently popped the question and asked my husband to be his best man. He’s planning the wedding for next year. I thought this one was going to be simple enough, but my blood is boiling. Through a recent genetic test, his best friend found out he has Scottish ancestry. He has now announced that he wants to have the wedding in a castle in Scotland. Since most of the family would be travelling out of town, he doesn’t think the destination will be a big deal. Fine. He has also stated that he wants the bachelor party a few states over and have a guy’s trip to the mountains for a week. All of this will cost us over $10,000 dollars, and the semi-demands haven’t stopped. He wants the men to arrive to Scotland early so they can do traditional things and go sightseeing before the wedding. He has a list of things he wants to do before and after.

I told my husband no. There is a limit and I’ve reached mine. I said we will arrive a few days early and attend the wedding, but right after we will leave and travel to a few other destinations, including my home country, since we will be there already with our young kids. My husband said we can’t and that most likely everyone else will just go with it.
He claims we can’t be the only family leaving and it would be insulting. I am so angry I’m actually considering leaving him. I feel his friend is a fricking bridezilla and he’s not even the bride. I feel like my husband should see the ridiculousness of this situation and tell his friend to reign it in a little. I also don’t want to save and save to appease someone else’s dreams without them being considerate of others. I don’t think I want to be in a room with his friend because I’m worried I’ll say something I’ll regret. His friend is allowed to make all the demands he wants and ask for whatever he wants, but I feel like my husband should think of his family and say no. Or set realistic plans of what we (he) can and can’t do. But I don’t know, maybe I am the “crazy one.”

— Annoyed at the “Bride”

Re: What is up with the husbands today?!

  • If you don’t have a marriage where major expenses are discussed as a team, what’s the point?
  • I don't think you've let go of your wedding attendees, or lack thereof, LW.  But I think your H not budging on going back for all of these weddings and now this whole Scotland debacle is fueling more of your bitterness than anything else.  You've also taught him that a fight will end the result he wants, so he's willing to fight it out and wait for you to come around. 

    I think you need to sit down with ALL of your accounts and money. Come with facts and figures.  The first question is, can you afford this? The next one is, if you can pay for it, how do you find compromise?  You may want to start with finding out from him why it's important he participates in everything that is planned.  There's a way to figure this out, but blaming it on the past and this friend isn't going to win you anything but more fighting with no resolution. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I don't think you've let go of your wedding attendees, or lack thereof, LW.  But I think your H not budging on going back for all of these weddings and now this whole Scotland debacle is fueling more of your bitterness than anything else.  You've also taught him that a fight will end the result he wants, so he's willing to fight it out and wait for you to come around. 

    I think you need to sit down with ALL of your accounts and money. Come with facts and figures.  The first question is, can you afford this? The next one is, if you can pay for it, how do you find compromise?  You may want to start with finding out from him why it's important he participates in everything that is planned.  There's a way to figure this out, but blaming it on the past and this friend isn't going to win you anything but more fighting with no resolution. 
    This.  I'd be really frustrated too but would want to has things out.  Telling the H no isn't going to work and he knows it won't - so figure it out like mature adults. 
  • Your husband sucks, and your approach is crappy. Financial decisions should be made together. His weird need to spend an absurd amount ($10k!!) on a friend's wedding is ridiculous, but you feeling that you can just say no like he's a kid asking you to sign a permission slip is wrong. 

    I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this is a symptom of a much bigger problem with control and communication. 
    Absolutely. I suspect they argue about money a lot and have very different priorities when it comes to spending. This is just the latest and maybe craziest example of that. 
    image
  • Your husband sucks, and your approach is crappy. Financial decisions should be made together. His weird need to spend an absurd amount ($10k!!) on a friend's wedding is ridiculous, but you feeling that you can just say no like he's a kid asking you to sign a permission slip is wrong. 

    I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this is a symptom of a much bigger problem with control and communication. 
    Yup.  
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