Declined invite but sending someone else in your place?

knottie4b005422cacc9060

Daughter getting married. Her stepdad asked that his 3 sisters be invited. They never accepted my daughter, she was 4 when we got married. One sister told me “she’s not daddy’s blood” and has been very nasty. He has little contact with his sisters, they get together for holidays & he’s never invited. Never expected them to rsvp yes, just wanted invites sent. 

Two days before the deadline, 1 sister rsvp yes. Another sister rsvp her husband isn’t coming, so it’s just her attending. 3rd sister, the nastiest one, told my husband she & her husband aren’t coming, so she’s going to send her adult, married daughter (daughter has 2 kids) in her place (just the daughter coming). He initially tells her this is ok and then after we tell him it’s not ok, he texts her to let her know - this is not ok. 

Immediately, the sister who said she was coming without husband changes her rsvp online to include her husband. We believe she’s bringing the niece. We decided not to call them out on it & to just ignore them when she shows up with the niece. There will be close to 200 guests at the wedding, so it should be easy to ignore them.

He has 3 nieces & 2 nephews. None of them were invited. None of them ever tried to be friendly or have any type of relationship with daughter. Last time we saw them was 5 years ago at a funeral. Can’t understand why this niece would even want to attend!
 
He’s very angry that we had him tell his sister that it wasn’t ok to send someone else in her place. This isn’t normal, is it? To be invited to a wedding and decline but send your adult child, who wasn’t invited, in your place? Do people do this? Were we wrong to say it’s not ok?

Jen4948

It's not okay. Wedding invitations are not transferable. I think you need to firmly put your foot down with your husband and his sisters and make that clear. Invited guests may not give their invitations to "substitutes" while declining to attend themselves.

While there is a school of thought along the lines of "So what? Let them do it because you've already budgeted for two guests and this doesn't cost you extra," it doesn't take into account that the hosts, not the guests, determine who is invited. Transferring invitations steps on hosts' toes.

However, should your sister-in-law show up with her niece, that puts you in the difficult position of either having to suck it up and treat the niece the same as any other invited guest or turn her away because she was not invited. That sucks. It sounds like you have already decided to treat her as an invited guest, but there is a caveat: you will have to pretend that she was actually invited. You can't ignore her or deny her any amenities that are offered to any other guests.

knottie4b005422cacc9060

Just going to pretend she isn’t there, I guess. Not going to deny her anything other than our presence. What else is there to do? Call to ask if that’s why the rsvp was changed? 

maine7mob

This takes the cake for rudeness. People invite the actual people they want, not the number of people they want. Considering how nasty these folks are, I think you did the right thing, OP. When they show up, just be gracious and smile. Enjoy your other guests!

Jen4948

knottie4b005422cacc9060 said:

Just going to pretend she isn’t there, I guess. Not going to deny her anything other than our presence. What else is there to do? Call to ask if that’s why the rsvp was changed? 

That's just it - if she shows up with the niece and you allow them to attend the reception, you can't pretend she isn't there or deny her your presence. That would itself be rude, and unfortunately, politeness doesn't justify retaliatory rudeness.

MobKaz

knottie4b005422cacc9060 said:

Daughter getting married. Her stepdad asked that his 3 sisters be invited. They never accepted my daughter, she was 4 when we got married. One sister told me “she’s not daddy’s blood” and has been very nasty. He has little contact with his sisters, they get together for holidays & he’s never invited. Never expected them to rsvp yes, just wanted invites sent. 

Two days before the deadline, 1 sister rsvp yes. Another sister rsvp her husband isn’t coming, so it’s just her attending. 3rd sister, the nastiest one, told my husband she & her husband aren’t coming, so she’s going to send her adult, married daughter (daughter has 2 kids) in her place (just the daughter coming). He initially tells her this is ok and then after we tell him it’s not ok, he texts her to let her know - this is not ok. 

Immediately, the sister who said she was coming without husband changes her rsvp online to include her husband. We believe she’s bringing the niece. We decided not to call them out on it & to just ignore them when she shows up with the niece. There will be close to 200 guests at the wedding, so it should be easy to ignore them.

He has 3 nieces & 2 nephews. None of them were invited. None of them ever tried to be friendly or have any type of relationship with daughter. Last time we saw them was 5 years ago at a funeral. Can’t understand why this niece would even want to attend!
 
He’s very angry that we had him tell his sister that it wasn’t ok to send someone else in her place. This isn’t normal, is it? To be invited to a wedding and decline but send your adult child, who wasn’t invited, in your place? Do people do this? Were we wrong to say it’s not ok?

Yep. Weddings tend to bring out the good, the bad, the ugly, and the indignant.  Hell NO she cannot “transfer” the invitation to guests of her choice.  Trying to “pull a fast one” and bring the niece speaks to her poor character. 

If you have a receiving line, you will have to fake it briefly with a nod, a smile, and a very fast comment.  Hopefully, it is little more than a “Thank you” to her “Congratulations”.  If you are not having one, then actually it should be fairly easy to ignore both these guests.  Even though I absolutely wanted to personally greet and speak with everyone at the weddings of my kids, it is almost impossible to catch each and every one, even with effort!

Don’t let their lack of manners spoil your day in any way!

MyNameIsNot

This was not ok from the very beginning. These people never should have been invited; shame on step dad for pushing it in the first place. 

climbingsingle

Yeah, that's not ok and very rude. Invitations are not transferable. If she does show, I'd just try to be as cordial as possible.