Dear Prudence,
I married my husband after his youngest was out of high school. He lost his wife five years before that. His daughter “Kerry” was in college at the time. In a decade, Kerry has never warmed up to me. She has never acknowledged me on holidays, barely makes small talk when she visits, and generally makes it known with her actions that she dislikes me. No one knows why. My husband and her brothers have asked her and she denies it. I get along beautifully with her brothers. I have made overtures like asking Kerry to spa days and shopping. She has never accepted. I let it go and left Kerry to define the boundaries as she so desired.
Meanwhile, I am very close to my youngest stepson and his wife. I take care of their 4-year-old and baby nearly every day. I love being Grandma. Kerry is very critical of how I interact with the grandchildren—things like getting big bows for the baby girl or slipping my grandson a cookie. It has gotten to the point my daughter-in-law has told Kerry to lay off, since if she doesn’t have a problem, neither should anyone else.
Well, Kerry is currently pregnant and on the outs with her boyfriend. She plans to go back to work as soon as possible—leaving the child care to her father. And me. I don’t want to. My husband is encouraging me to look on the bright side and consider this a chance to bond with Kerry. I am just seeing a collision course. Kerry hasn’t softened towards me in a decade and frankly, I think it’s a little presumptuous to assume anything from me without even the most basic of apologies. Or even asking me directly—Kerry just told her father that this was the plan. What do we do here? I don’t want to cause a fight but I feel there is no way out.
— Suddenly Grandma