It IS your mom's decision. It is unfair, but move on.

short+sassy

My father recently passed away after a two-year struggle with cancer. I loved him dearly. His last stay in the hospital lasted about two weeks, and we all had a chance to say goodbye to him. One of his last requests was that my nephew “Alvin” get “all the cars.” My dad loved restoring cars and had two Model-T Fords and a post WWII Jeep. “Alvin” likes working on cars, but he is 20 years old and a college student. He doesn’t have the means to take them on, so I initially didn’t think much about this comment.

My sister and I each have two sons. My youngest is 14 and not old enough to drive. My mom said my dad told her recently that he wanted to take my sons onto the backroads and teach them to drive the Model-Ts this summer, so he did have thoughts of my sons becoming interested in the cars. My sister and her ex are divorced and not on friendly terms.
“Alvin’s” plan is that his dad will build a shed to store the cars on his lake property a five-hour drive away.

I don’t think my dad would have wanted these cars to essentially go to his ex-son-in-law. In addition, doing some quick research, I realized these three cars combined are worth conservatively $50,000. So all of that value would be going to one of the four grandsons. None of the rest of us will be receiving any items close to that value. My family will be receiving items which combined are worth less than $10,000.

My sister and I have each been promised a property (small cabin and small condo) when my mom passes away, but that is off in the future and her finances between now and then could change, forcing her to sell these properties. She claims the improvements she has to make to the property she plans to give me more than make up the value of the cars. I think those costs are not the same, as all real estate has expenses and upkeep. I tried to bring this up with my mother, but she said she wasn’t changing her mind. I think she has already signed over the titles to Alvin. I feel like my dad made an impulsive statement which is really unfair to the rest of us and has created a wedge in the family. I have a hard time accepting this is what he meant to do. But of course, it’s my mom’s decision. Do I just move on?

— Last Wishes Gone Astray

charlotte989875

You’re not entitled to anything and including the value of the properties you will have when your mom dies in a conversation about what your dad’s wishes are is gross. I feel bad for mom because LW is making it sound like all she cares about is who is dying and what she’s getting. 

Step back and recognize there’s a lot of grief clouding your thinking (or if not you’re just really greedy). Is it worth causing a rift with your mom over her trying to fulfill one of the last things your dad wanted. It’s unfair, or at least unequal but choosing to continue a feud is only going to hurt. 

MyNameIsNot

Yeah, move on. Also, doesn't it make you feel icky to talk about your parents dying as if it's supposed to be a gift to you? 

Casadena

I think mom and dad are being grossly unfair AND it's something that LW shouldn't complain to mom about.  

Side note - is my family just super morbid or do you all really not discuss this kind of thing with your families?  I've known for a long time approximately what sister and I will inherit when my grandma and my parents pass away.  We've always talked about it pretty normally and upfront.  To be fair, I have not brought it up to them, they just were always pretty open about talking about it. I'd be pretty upset honestly if that changed drastically (in a shitty way, not in "they need to sell their house or use all their money for medical care" kind of way).  I know that's not LW's situation i'm just curious.  

short+sassy

I agree with the LW that it doesn't sound fair or equitable, so I understand why there are hard feelings.

But it sounds like the mom inherited everything and she went with her H's wishes.  The LW spoke to their mother.  The mother didn't agree.  End of story.  Move on.

What else do you even think you can do, LW?  Harangue your grieving mother more?  Which wouldn't matter anyway, if she's already turned the titles over to Alvin.

And are you actually complaining about potentially inheriting one property, down the line?  Because there will be "expenses and maintenance".  If you can't afford or don't want to pay for the expenses or maintenance, then sell them.  Obviously.

((Raises hand to take free real estate, if someone wants to avoid the expenses and maintenance.))

VarunaTT

Casadena said:

I think mom and dad are being grossly unfair AND it's something that LW shouldn't complain to mom about.  

Side note - is my family just super morbid or do you all really not discuss this kind of thing with your families?  I've known for a long time approximately what sister and I will inherit when my grandma and my parents pass away.  We've always talked about it pretty normally and upfront.  To be fair, I have not brought it up to them, they just were always pretty open about talking about it. I'd be pretty upset honestly if that changed drastically (in a shitty way, not in "they need to sell their house or use all their money for medical care" kind of way).  I know that's not LW's situation i'm just curious.  

My family talks about this stuff and, as mom and dad have aged, I think everyone has what they're supposed to get already.  The stuff that is left in the house is mine, with one exception, to my recollection.  I think I even have copies of the will someplace (b/c I'm the executor).

MesmrEwe

Casadena said:

I think mom and dad are being grossly unfair AND it's something that LW shouldn't complain to mom about.  

Side note - is my family just super morbid or do you all really not discuss this kind of thing with your families?  I've known for a long time approximately what sister and I will inherit when my grandma and my parents pass away.  We've always talked about it pretty normally and upfront.  To be fair, I have not brought it up to them, they just were always pretty open about talking about it. I'd be pretty upset honestly if that changed drastically (in a shitty way, not in "they need to sell their house or use all their money for medical care" kind of way).  I know that's not LW's situation i'm just curious.  

The smart families discuss this stuff so there are literally no surprises upon the passing taking place...  It also helps to discuss it so that there isn't the "OH ***t" with an area being forgotten that needs attending to in the directives/Will...

MyNameIsNot

Casadena said:

I think mom and dad are being grossly unfair AND it's something that LW shouldn't complain to mom about.  

Side note - is my family just super morbid or do you all really not discuss this kind of thing with your families?  I've known for a long time approximately what sister and I will inherit when my grandma and my parents pass away.  We've always talked about it pretty normally and upfront.  To be fair, I have not brought it up to them, they just were always pretty open about talking about it. I'd be pretty upset honestly if that changed drastically (in a shitty way, not in "they need to sell their house or use all their money for medical care" kind of way).  I know that's not LW's situation i'm just curious.  

Maybe we're weird, but no. We've had conversations with my parents about funeral/remains and about living will/healthcare type stuff, but not inheritance. I know that my parents have wills, but I don't know what's in them. I kind of expect they will leave the majority to the church.

charlotte989875

Casadena said:

I think mom and dad are being grossly unfair AND it's something that LW shouldn't complain to mom about.  

Side note - is my family just super morbid or do you all really not discuss this kind of thing with your families?  I've known for a long time approximately what sister and I will inherit when my grandma and my parents pass away.  We've always talked about it pretty normally and upfront.  To be fair, I have not brought it up to them, they just were always pretty open about talking about it. I'd be pretty upset honestly if that changed drastically (in a shitty way, not in "they need to sell their house or use all their money for medical care" kind of way).  I know that's not LW's situation i'm just curious.  

I think there’s a difference in transparency around what people intend to do o with their assets after they die and how I’m perceiving LW counting up the future potential value of what she’ll get when mom dies and what Alvin is getting now. 

STARMOON44

Omg it was literally his dying wish you greedy brat

Casadena

charlotte989875 said:

Casadena said:

I think mom and dad are being grossly unfair AND it's something that LW shouldn't complain to mom about.  

Side note - is my family just super morbid or do you all really not discuss this kind of thing with your families?  I've known for a long time approximately what sister and I will inherit when my grandma and my parents pass away.  We've always talked about it pretty normally and upfront.  To be fair, I have not brought it up to them, they just were always pretty open about talking about it. I'd be pretty upset honestly if that changed drastically (in a shitty way, not in "they need to sell their house or use all their money for medical care" kind of way).  I know that's not LW's situation i'm just curious.  

I think there’s a difference in transparency around what people intend to do o with their assets after they die and how I’m perceiving LW counting up the future potential value of what she’ll get when mom dies and what Alvin is getting now. 

I totally get that and I don't think she was in the right to being that up.  I also think it was gross that the parents left 4 nice cars to one grandson when they have 4.  Sure it's their right but it's still shitty.  And I'm inferring a lot of hurt on behalf of her sons and the unfairness of the cars plus the property with much more going to one "side" od the family.  I totally get why she feels that way.  She was definitely in the wrong to bring it up to mom at all, but especially the way she did it.

short+sassy

Casadena said:

I think mom and dad are being grossly unfair AND it's something that LW shouldn't complain to mom about.  

Side note - is my family just super morbid or do you all really not discuss this kind of thing with your families?  I've known for a long time approximately what sister and I will inherit when my grandma and my parents pass away.  We've always talked about it pretty normally and upfront.  To be fair, I have not brought it up to them, they just were always pretty open about talking about it. I'd be pretty upset honestly if that changed drastically (in a shitty way, not in "they need to sell their house or use all their money for medical care" kind of way).  I know that's not LW's situation i'm just curious.  

We discuss it in my family.  Or at least my mom and I do for our estates.  In fact, when I was younger and single, my first instinct was to add her to my life insurances.  But she told me not to and preferred I made my sister the beneficiary.  So that was useful types of things to know.

I know she's told me about her concerns to leave my sister and I with an inheritance.  I told her we're both fine, financially.  Please go eat all the good food and get weekly facials and massages.

She's also worried about keeping everything fair, because she's seen so many families break down over wills.  I think that's why she has been so transparent about "who's getting what".  She doesn't want there to be surprises.  But I'd bet dollars to doughnuts there will be.

Because she has ALWAYS given my sister more financial help than me, going all the way back to high school.  TBH, it hurts me pretty deeply.  It's not even the money, it's the making me feel like I'm the "less" important child.  Though she doesn't make me feel that way in other things.

I've never said anything to her, because I know she would feel terrible if she knew that's how I feel.  And it's not like it would help heal anything she's already done anyway.

Of course I want her to live as long as possible and am dreading the day I lose her.  But I'm also dreading hearing the contents of her will.  Because I expect I'm going to be hurt again, at a time when I'm already depressed and grieving.

On the kinda bright side, I couldn't see my sister or I arguing with each other about money.  That's one of my mom's worst fears, so I try to assure her it won't happen.