Widowed Grandfather not honored as part of wedding party , but all other grandparents were.???

knottiee37ac445f041b248

I just went to my niece's wedding where all sets of grandparents and step grandparents were featured as honored guests.  They walked down the aisle with the procession before the bride and were seated in the reserved section.  The other grandparent (my widowed father) was treated like any other guest.  It was really uncomfortable to watch.  Also, this bride and her mother specifically told us that this was an adults only wedding and that kids were not permitted.  Although my children (who are first cousins to the bride) are over 18, we were told they should NOT attend as well as the other first cousins on the bride's side of the family.  After attending the wedding last night, it was apparent there were MANY kids and young adults of all ages present.  We assume they are relatives of the grooms.  I am wondering why my dad and our families were treated so horribly?  Obviously our feelings are hurt and we wonder what we ever did to deserve this horrible and rather obvious difference in the way we have been treated.  I am mad...especially for my dad, the widowed grandfather.  :-(  Should we confront the bride and her parents?  Not sure what good it will do since it's clear we are (less than) second fiddle.   

knottiee37ac445f041b248

I also found out there were printed "save the date" invitations and wedding invitations that went out .  We were only invited via text message. ??

ILoveBeachMusic

So the bride is your sister's daughter if I am understanding this correctly? I would calmly in a non accusatory manner say something to your sister about what you are concerned about. The only reason I say you should say something is that this will obviously fester with you and could damage your relationship permanently. You don't comment on how your and your family's relationship with your sister and her family has been. Have you had a good relationship with her and your niece in the past and this is a one off or is this typical behavior for them?

banana468

These are questions that no one here can answer.

The questions here are what are you hoping to achieve if you address your sibling regarding this?  Do you anticipate that airing of grievances is going to help anything? 

Without knowing more of what was at play here it's going to be hard to offer advice but if the answer is that you're hoping to arm yourself with reasons to cite poor behavior that is likely not to go well and it's not going to reverse time. 

climbingsingle

Without knowing more to the story, it's really hard to say. Are your kids close to the bride? How did you find out people were mailed invitations? Your sibling was ok with your father not being part of the procession. Maybe your sibling had a conversation with your father directly about it? 

Either way, I think you should have a non-accusatory conversation with you sibling. Maybe there are simple explanations for all of this. 

charlotte989875

I’m a little confused on the family structure here, but are you saying the couple honored their grandparents (on all sides) and excluded one grandparent from any recognition? This does seem hurtful, but also do you know for sure they did this intentionally? Did they ask him if he wanted to walk down and he declined? 

The couple can decide who to invite and it’s a bummer your kids weren’t invited but they’re not entitled to be. I’d really work on letting this go. Even if your kids were super close with niece and they feel excluded it’s hot on you to bring this up. 

MyNameIsNot

I think you really have to let this go. I don't see any upside to trying to confront anyone about any of this, and really most of this doesn't involve you.  

For your father, this is really not your place. If he feels slighted, it is up to him to discuss with his child or granddaughter. There may be something here that you don't know or isn't any of your business, but even if there isn't, he's a full grown man and can address his own issues. There is nothing here for you to get involved with. 

Your adult children weren't invited. They can be hurt or sad about it, but the couple has really done nothing wrong. There is no rule that first cousins need to be invited or that inviting some children means you have to invite all. Couples get to decide on their own guest lists, and it's rude to insist that someone needs to be invited. If your children have a close relationship with their cousin, it would be up to them to tell her that not being invited hurt their feelings. Since they are adults, there's no reason for you to insert yourself. 

The text invitation/mailed invitation. Yeah, it sounds like you were an after thought or that this was planned poorly. Sure, it's tacky, but it's really not that big of a deal. Pointing it out is just going to come off petty. It's not like they can go back and mail you an invitation or that getting a paper invitation would have changed anything about the day. 

knottiee37ac445f041b248

Yes; full sister's daughter. I really am confused on why our side was excluded.  It's strange.  There is no bad blood.  I am less upset about my family and really angry about how our dad was treated.  He has supported my niece over and above any other grandchild (he has six grandchildren; and she is the oldest).  He is elderly and imo deserved to be honored like the other grandparents. :-(

knottiee37ac445f041b248

No; it was a surprise to my dad that my sister's FIL and MIL walked down the aisle (as well as grandparents and step grandparents on the grooms side) but my dad was not asked to.  He sat with the rest of the guests when every other grandparent sat in the reserved section . My sister did not discuss with our dad. 

banana468

I think if your dad's feelings are hurt then it's up to him to address them with his daughter.  Not the same thing but I am very careful when picking a battle that involves my H for the reason that while he's close to me, he can decide when to speak up.  

knottiee37ac445f041b248

My sister lied and told me there would be NO KIDS at the wedding at all.  She also lied and said there was only the text message invite.  I went over to their house and her husband (maybe inadvertently) showed me the invitation and the save the date cards that went out.  All I know is it is very strange, very rude, and I am really upset on how our dad was treated.  He has been very generous and good to their family and especially to my niece.  At his very old age, he deserved to be honored and treated equally as all other grandparents there.  

climbingsingle

knottiee37ac445f041b248 said:

My sister lied and told me there would be NO KIDS at the wedding at all.  She also lied and said there was only the text message invite.  I went over to their house and her husband (maybe inadvertently) showed me the invitation and the save the date cards that went out.  All I know is it is very strange, very rude, and I am really upset on how our dad was treated.  He has been very generous and good to their family and especially to my niece.  At his very old age, he deserved to be honored and treated equally as all other grandparents there.  

Ask yourself this - what do you want to accomplish by confronting your sister? It does seem that some things were handled quite poorly on their part. But what's done is done. Clearly your sister was aware that other grandparents were part of the procession and your father was excluded. And if your father is upset, he needs to speak to your sister about it. That is not your battle to fight. 

Again I will ask - are your kids close to the bride? She was not required to invite them. We tell brides this all the time. 

I think you need to stop jumping to conclusions. Maybe the groom's parents paid for most of the wedding and insisted on certain things, like kids being invited. Maybe they insisted on printed invites after the fact. You maybe don't know the whole story. 

banana468

climbingsingle said:

knottiee37ac445f041b248 said:

My sister lied and told me there would be NO KIDS at the wedding at all.  She also lied and said there was only the text message invite.  I went over to their house and her husband (maybe inadvertently) showed me the invitation and the save the date cards that went out.  All I know is it is very strange, very rude, and I am really upset on how our dad was treated.  He has been very generous and good to their family and especially to my niece.  At his very old age, he deserved to be honored and treated equally as all other grandparents there.  

Ask yourself this - what do you want to accomplish by confronting your sister? It does seem that some things were handled quite poorly on their part. But what's done is done. Clearly your sister was aware that other grandparents were part of the procession and your father was excluded. And if your father is upset, he needs to speak to your sister about it. That is not your battle to fight. 

Again I will ask - are your kids close to the bride? She was not required to invite them. We tell brides this all the time. 

I think you need to stop jumping to conclusions. Maybe the groom's parents paid for most of the wedding and insisted on certain things, like kids being invited. Maybe they insisted on printed invites after the fact. You maybe don't know the whole story. 

All of this.

Are you and your sister close?  Is the bride close with your children? Is she close to your dad? None of that can excuse the mixed messages that you received but anytime you confront someone you have to look at what you hope to gain if you're going to put a person on the defensive.

As I said above, unless your dad is not of sound mind then it's up to him to speak up about how he feels about his treatment. To pick the battles of others can start to look like you're grasping at straws. 

Are you a close family?  Are you prepared for a family divide over this?  It obviously looks like things were not handled equally but in the next steps consider what you want to see happen.  The wedding is over.  There won't be a do over.  

I've watched my own MIL talk about how she feels she was wronged in the past and when she talks about any instances she gets outright spiteful.  Her attitude has damaged numerous relationships because the retaliatory spitefulness burns bridges.  It's to the point that my H and I have had to have very diplomatic discussions with our children not referring specifically to her but that we will NOT raise our kids to act in spiteful ways even when they think they weren't treated fairly.  So my point to you is that if you want to carry on and have a relationship with your sister and her family be careful in how you phrase things.

Had they come to TK well in advance the guidance would have been to them to potentially make changes.  However one of the other major tenets of etiquette is that while treating some guests of a different class than others or possibly not being equal with family can be perceived as rude, it is absolutely rude to call others out on poor behavior.   

My only advice if you continue to be as angry as your posts seem is to have a quiet discussion with your sister and simply say you noticed that you were told that children were not going to be in attendance which is why your children were not welcome but others were present and it seems like there may have been a miscommunication.  But anytime you put someone on the defensive be prepared that the responses may not be what you want.   

Are you hoping for a major apology or for your dad to have to pick which family to see for upcoming holidays because people are going to be incapable of being in the same room as each other after you're done? 

MyNameIsNot

knottiee37ac445f041b248 said:

My sister lied and told me there would be NO KIDS at the wedding at all.  She also lied and said there was only the text message invite.  I went over to their house and her husband (maybe inadvertently) showed me the invitation and the save the date cards that went out.  All I know is it is very strange, very rude, and I am really upset on how our dad was treated.  He has been very generous and good to their family and especially to my niece.  At his very old age, he deserved to be honored and treated equally as all other grandparents there.  

You are not entitled to know who is on the guest list ahead of time. Even though children are not an all or nothing thing, you children are adults, so invitations to other children is wholly irrelevant.

If your dad has an issue, he needs to bring it up with her. It's not about you and not your place. 

I'm starting to think that sister/bride just aren't that into you. 

knottiee37ac445f041b248

I have just seen the numerous and obvious posts about invitation etiquette and inviting "circles" of family levels.  That to avoid hurt feelings you should invite ALL first cousins; or all aunts, etc.  This was not done; and we were outright lied to.  I guess I am posting here more to vent because I am in disbelief all this happened...especially ignoring our dad.  You all are right.  My very elderly dad can choose to say something or not...it is up to him.  I just know he is hurt...he told me he just doesn't understand it. :-(  At his age, he will probably not say something.  Breaks my heart for him.  He spent over $40K on her private school, gave her a car and more.   It's just hard to understand the complete disrespect.   Thank you all for listening and responding.  Life goes on, the hype of the wedding is over now...but I will never forget this ever.  It's not worth saying a word...there is a wedge there now that probably cannot be undone.  :-( 

knottiee37ac445f041b248

They also specifically told my third sister not to bring her young children.  My adult kids as well.  So, it wasn't just me; it was our entire side of the family which has been slighted.  ESPECIALLY OUR ELDERLY FATHER :-(  

banana468

Again, etiquette works both ways.

If your sister or her daughter posted here and stated that she proposed to split families and not invite in groups we would have said that if she picks and chooses who to invite she's opening herself up to hurt feelings.  If some grandparents are treated differently than others that's a visual slight.

But when following etiquette it's also rude to call out people.

So my advice to you is figure out what you want in your battles.  And figure out where you want that to go.   Major life events have a way of creating rifts in families that last.  You need to decide if this is rift-worthy and the cherry on an unbalanced sundae or if this is something you can overlook.

No one is going to say it's license to create a scene however if I felt like I was treated poorly and like a second class of guest I would also be resistant to be extremely giving too.