Classic: Dentist or divorce

mrsconn23

Last October I gave my husband an ultimatum, see the dentist or we’re over. In the 16 years we’ve known each other, he has not been to the dentist once. As a child he had a traumatic injury to his front teeth, and that the repair was not done correctly. As a result, he does not smile and show his teeth, and he talks so that his teeth can not be seen. He does have a dark/discolored top front tooth. Due to his lack of regular dental visits, I am not interested in kissing him. He has extreme halitosis and I have mentioned this to him and he gets very upset and angry with me. I’ve told a couple friends about my ultimatum, they think getting divorced because of poor oral hygiene is ridiculous. What are your thoughts?

STARMOON44

Get the divorce now

Casadena

That's gross and i think the "ultimatum" is fine, that's disgusting.  I'm also interested if the H is afraid of the dentist?  Doesn't think there's a problem?  WHY is he not going?  

mrsconn23

Dental trauma is very real.  I had a dentist rip a non-loose baby tooth out of my mouth with pliers and no pain relief.  I was like, 7.  So...I understand how this is a psychological issue. 

HOWEVER, dental health is actually really important to your overall physical health.  So he's not taking care of his health and ignoring issues that are now impacting his relationship.  Soo...I think LW should try to get H to work toward addressing his trauma. 

But if he completely refuses to entertain any of it, then drop the hammer.  I can't imagine not wanting to be near my spouse because they have offensive smells emanating from their body all of the time.  I'm very sensitive to bad smells too (like I get nauseated and my gag reflex is quite trigger happy), so I'd never kiss or have sex because I'd be so anxious about the fact that my partner would make me feel ill and it would ruin the experience. 

banana468

Is this your husband? 


The ultimatum is terrible.  Talk to him but also remind him that dental health is linked to overall health and he could be in cardiac trouble without knowing it.  

Casadena

I don't think it's terrible to say "listen, i need you to take care of this problem or this relationship is something I can no longer deal with".  In general i think ultimatum's get a bad rap.  Standing up for what you need because a partner refuses to deal with a problem is not inherently wrong. 

climbingsingle

Divorce. 

CharmedPam

But why is this bothering LW now? LW married him nonetheless.  Did it get worse?

when I dated M last year he did go to the dentist. 3 x a year actually.  But had gum disease and thus horrible breath (a bit of discoloration on the teeth).

my mom has the same thing, so I tried to be sympathetic about it - but sometimes his breath was just awful.  When he left me, it wasn’t just the endless judgment I was happy to see gone. 

short+sassy

Not smiling and mumbling would have been a dealbreaker on the first date for me, so I'm curious what is different now as opposed to when they were first dating.

I think ultimatums are fine when people really mean them.  This wouldn't be an ultimatum for a lot of people, but it is for the LW.  That's fair enough.

However, I also feel like there is a lot missing from the letter.  Has he talked about why he won't see a dentist.  I suspect he has psychological reasons that would need to be overcome.  Plus, I doubt the problem tooth is causing his bad breath.  It's probably poor oral hygiene, so that's something that would need to be addressed also. 

Because, as someone who has had major problems with my teeth and gums for years, let me very blunt.  Dentistry, at least for major problems, is shockingly barbaric.  I don't understand why there aren't better solutions.  And dental professionals act like it's NBD.

My best example.  A periodontist told me I needed to get gum surgery with a skin graft that would come from the roof of my mouth.  No, there is no anesthesia or anything like that.  And looked at me weird, when I asked.  But she would numb my mouth up...that's never good enough, even for much more minor things like gum scaling...and give me a prescription for some pain pills and I should take one of the pills before I arrive.

So, let me get this straight.  You are going to do surgery on my gums.  Rip the skin off the roof of my mouth.  And all I'm given is one pain pill?  GTF outta here!

mrsconn23

Agreed @short+sassy!  I was told I needed something 'clipped' and that it will just feeling like 'hot pizza burned your mouth'.  Um that fucking hurts?  

It's the same in gynecology.  "Oh we just need to take a little piece of your cervix, you'll be fine."  OR you want to rip an implanted IUD out of my body and tell me to take ibuprofen beforehand.  Last time it happened, I was on the couch for a full day.  And that was after I thought I might lose consciousness or throw up when the removal and reinsertion happened.

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed @short+sassy!  I was told I needed something 'clipped' and that it will just feeling like 'hot pizza burned your mouth'.  Um that fucking hurts?  

It's the same in gynecology.  "Oh we just need to take a little piece of your cervix, you'll be fine."  OR you want to rip an implanted IUD out of my body and tell me to take ibuprofen beforehand.  Last time it happened, I was on the couch for a full day.  And that was after I thought I might lose consciousness or throw up when the removal and reinsertion happened.

See and I think I'm the opposite for some of these.  I've had a lot of oral surgery and the only thing that really knocked me down was wisdom teeth removal and the drugs wearing off.  I was high as a kite!  I've since had gum grafts, two or three cervical biopsies and delivered two kids without drugs.  

But MIL needs nitrous oxide for a dental cleaning.  Maybe this person needs help to find a dentist that uses it so at least they can be calmed when going in? 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed @short+sassy!  I was told I needed something 'clipped' and that it will just feeling like 'hot pizza burned your mouth'.  Um that fucking hurts?  

It's the same in gynecology.  "Oh we just need to take a little piece of your cervix, you'll be fine."  OR you want to rip an implanted IUD out of my body and tell me to take ibuprofen beforehand.  Last time it happened, I was on the couch for a full day.  And that was after I thought I might lose consciousness or throw up when the removal and reinsertion happened.

See and I think I'm the opposite for some of these.  I've had a lot of oral surgery and the only thing that really knocked me down was wisdom teeth removal and the drugs wearing off.  I was high as a kite!  I've since had gum grafts, two or three cervical biopsies and delivered two kids without drugs.  

But MIL needs nitrous oxide for a dental cleaning.  Maybe this person needs help to find a dentist that uses it so at least they can be calmed when going in? 

That's true.  There are more and more options for 'gentle' dentistry now, but it's not an industry standard.  There are still a lot of 'old school' dentists out there. Also, even if you have the option to take the 'good' drugs or whatever, you're likely paying out of pocket and maybe w/o any insurance discount.   I mean, it would be worth it to me, but it could be out of reach for someone else.

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed @short+sassy!  I was told I needed something 'clipped' and that it will just feeling like 'hot pizza burned your mouth'.  Um that fucking hurts?  

It's the same in gynecology.  "Oh we just need to take a little piece of your cervix, you'll be fine."  OR you want to rip an implanted IUD out of my body and tell me to take ibuprofen beforehand.  Last time it happened, I was on the couch for a full day.  And that was after I thought I might lose consciousness or throw up when the removal and reinsertion happened.

See and I think I'm the opposite for some of these.  I've had a lot of oral surgery and the only thing that really knocked me down was wisdom teeth removal and the drugs wearing off.  I was high as a kite!  I've since had gum grafts, two or three cervical biopsies and delivered two kids without drugs.  

But MIL needs nitrous oxide for a dental cleaning.  Maybe this person needs help to find a dentist that uses it so at least they can be calmed when going in? 

That's true.  There are more and more options for 'gentle' dentistry now, but it's not an industry standard.  There are still a lot of 'old school' dentists out there. Also, even if you have the option to take the 'good' drugs or whatever, you're likely paying out of pocket and maybe w/o any insurance discount.   I mean, it would be worth it to me, but it could be out of reach for someone else.

I've never been offered nitrous oxide for a gum scaling.  Maybe I should have asked?  I guess because no one ever offered it to me, it also never occurred to me.  And I always tell a dentist, especially if it is a new one, that I find them very painful.

I went to a "gentle dentistry" dentist.  Their dental chairs had massagers and they would also put on dimmer mood lighting, with pretty backlit colors.  They started and ended appointments with a warm, damp towel for your face that smelled of ecaulyptus.  Nothing else seemed "gentle" and my gum scaling hurt just as much there as anywhere else, lol.

MyNameIsNot

CharmedPam said:

But why is this bothering LW now? LW married him nonetheless.  Did it get worse?

when I dated M last year he did go to the dentist. 3 x a year actually.  But had gum disease and thus horrible breath (a bit of discoloration on the teeth).

my mom has the same thing, so I tried to be sympathetic about it - but sometimes his breath was just awful.  When he left me, it wasn’t just the endless judgment I was happy to see gone. 

It probably did get worse. A lot of people can go a long time without seeing the dentist without having any noticeable dental problems, but then when something is wrong it's bad. It's not like you can really tell if someone has plaque buildup or even a cavity. 

I used to work with a guy that didn't go to the dentist. He was fine for years, and then he had an abscess tooth. At first I just noticed his bad breath when I sat next to him, but within a few weeks I could smell it from across the room. It must have been horribly painful as well. I don't know who finally got him to the dentist or how they did it, but he finally got it fixed.

kerbohl

My dad didn't got to the dentist.  When my mom was dating him, his teeth were literally rotting.  I often wonder how she stood it, and their 50th is next year ... but he got dentures young.

hintpink

Dental health is important for overall well-being, and it's understandable that you're concerned about your husband's oral hygiene. However, divorce might be a drastic step. Instead of an ultimatum, you can encourage and support him in seeking professional dental care.