Wedding Woes

Definitely DTMFA territory

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I live in a two-bedroom apartment. The second bedroom is our guest room/home office. There is no laundry unit on site, so doing clothes means taking baskets to the laundromat across town and spending half the day there. I usually wait until we are at critical mass before doing so. Same thing for groceries since the only good grocery store is on the other side of town.

Recently, my fiancé was out of town when his mother and sister called me to say they were on their way to “surprise” us with a visit. They were doing a road trip and decided to make a detour to see us. I had twelve hours’ notice. I rushed off work to vacuum and clean the bathroom. I had coffee, eggs, oranges, and half a loaf of bread. I figured it was enough to make a decent breakfast, but the only clean sheets were jokey Christmas sheets. They arrived and I ordered take out for dinner. Everything seemed fine until breakfast the next morning, when my fiancé’s sister informed me she was not just a vegetarian anymore but vegan, so all she could eat were the oranges. I made a joke asking if coffee was still okay, but the mood was definitely sour when they left.

I didn’t give it another thought, but they did. They blew up my fiancé’s phone about what a horrible housekeeper and host I was. Apparently, I deliberately made them feel unwelcome by making them sleep on Christmas sheets and had no food his sister could eat but oranges, and my coffee joke was completely out of line. My fiancé agrees his mother and sister shouldn’t have surprised me like that, but he thinks I could have put in more effort. When my family visits, he pointed out, I always make sure to have food and clean sheets on hand. I yelled back that my family actually asks when they can visit and gives us more than a half-day’s notice. Other than going to the skeevy gas station down the street where the drug dealers hang out, there are no close options for food. And next time I will solve the situation by telling them to get a hotel. My fiancé thinks that is beyond rude, and I told him that this mother and sister were the rude ones.

This entire debacle has me rethinking our engagement. We haven’t had this problem before, but we have hit snags where he has sided with this family over me, though it has been things like not bringing the right food to a potluck or my clothing not being formal enough for church.
I brushed those off, but I can’t brush this off. Am I overreacting here? (My own family as very toxic, so I will admit my baseline here may be out of whack.)

— Guest Trouble

Re: Definitely DTMFA territory

  • Oh absolutely call off the engagement. This will only get worse. 
  • Does your FI not have the ability to clean an apartment and get food? 

    Nope.  All the  nopes.    End the engagement because this guy will not help you when you really need it.  He shows he doesn't now. 
  • For sure dump him and his family. They're all trash.

    Fun story. My FIL is a piece of shit for a lot of reasons. Once, a couple of years ago, he and SMIL decided to surprise BIL with a visit. (To Ohio from Florida). I guess they were sharing surprises all up the east coast, because they called H at about 3 on a random Thursday to say they were two hours away and ask if they could spend the night. I  mean, sure, but neither of us cancelled our after work plans. He told them where they could hang out and get dinner/wait until he got home to let them in. Later that night, H insisted that they call BIL to give him a heads up that they were on the way. I kind of wish he hadn't, as BIL and family were on the other side of the country for a wedding that week. FIL ended up turning around and going home. They really would have gotten what they deserved if they'd driven all the way up there to get a hotel room and drive 20 hours home. 
  • For sure dump him and his family. They're all trash.

    Fun story. My FIL is a piece of shit for a lot of reasons. Once, a couple of years ago, he and SMIL decided to surprise BIL with a visit. (To Ohio from Florida). I guess they were sharing surprises all up the east coast, because they called H at about 3 on a random Thursday to say they were two hours away and ask if they could spend the night. I  mean, sure, but neither of us cancelled our after work plans. He told them where they could hang out and get dinner/wait until he got home to let them in. Later that night, H insisted that they call BIL to give him a heads up that they were on the way. I kind of wish he hadn't, as BIL and family were on the other side of the country for a wedding that week. FIL ended up turning around and going home. They really would have gotten what they deserved if they'd driven all the way up there to get a hotel room and drive 20 hours home. 
    At least your H put up those boundaries!

    There's so much wrong with this FI that I feel like the guy needs an itemized list of how he's totally screwed up. 
  • The only response your FI should have had was “thank you so much for taking care of them when they turned up out of the blue. I’m so sorry they caused an inconvenience to you. I’ll talk to them about just showing up in the future”. 

    He never should have told you what they said, he should have defended you against their criticisms, and he should have been thanking you for being so accommodating. 
  • The only response your FI should have had was “thank you so much for taking care of them when they turned up out of the blue. I’m so sorry they caused an inconvenience to you. I’ll talk to them about just showing up in the future”. 

    He never should have told you what they said, he should have defended you against their criticisms, and he should have been thanking you for being so accommodating. 
    And he should have apologized for not doing anything! 


  • Tell FI to tell them THEY can bring in whatever food they want. What’s stopping them from buying their own and relying on LW to provide?

  • I'm reading between the lines and guessing that this is a food desert, "sketch" part of town.

    If the LW dumps the 200 lb. weight of her FI, I wonder if she could then afford to upgrade to a safer neighborhood with on-site laundry and a closer grocery store.  It's also a lot easier to do all the cooking, cleaning. laundering, and grocery shopping for just yourself instead of for two people.  Because I'm also reading between the lines that the FI doesn't do any of that.

    I sympathize.  It would be tough to clean my house well enough for guests, with only having the few hours when I got off work to do it.  And I have a washer/dryer in my house and already plenty of food in the fridge and pantry.  Not much vegan, but I would make a special trip to the store if I knew the person was vegan.

    That's one of the more astounding parts to me.  "How dare you not have vegan food for me even though you didn't know I was vegan."  I wonder if the LW paid for the whole take-out order also.  If it wasn't enough food for the sister, she should have spoken up and suggested they all go out for breakfast.  With the mother and sister paying for the LW's meal as a "thank you" for hosting them.  But that would involve being gracious and mannerly.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • He's passed along criticism from his family before regarding much less, and 'sided' with them.  First of all, why did he 'let' (please know I'm using that so loosely) LW wear the 'wrong' church clothes and bring the 'wrong' thing to a potluck knowing his family and their expectations?  Secondly, if he didn't give LW advance warning, why is it their fault they did something 'wrong'?  

    LW, your FI's family has no grace and no manners.  Your FI excuses their behavior and places blame on you for their reactions to things you were unaware of.  This will not change with marriage.  Heed the warning flags and GTFO. 

    And I'd seriously want to punt someone into the sun because they complained about the pattern of the clean sheets I put on my guest bed when their ungrateful ass showed up last second to stay unannounced.  
  • I know it sounds odd, but I wouldn't let my MIL stay over if M wasn't home? Nor would I expect M to have my mum stay over if I wasn't home.

    LW's FI was out of town. Why did they come?
  • I know it sounds odd, but I wouldn't let my MIL stay over if M wasn't home? Nor would I expect M to have my mum stay over if I wasn't home.

    LW's FI was out of town. Why did they come?
    This is where I am. I'd certainly let my IL's stay over if H wasn't home and H would do the same no question if there was a reason.  But just a "hey we're coming over later today..." is not a good reason. I feel like it was a test and they just don't like LW and are trying to drive her away.  I hope for her sake it's working. 
  • I don't know, I've had my ILs over without DH and that's NBD.  But it almost sounds like in the LW's situation, they were there and felt entitled to check in on the place and that's absolutely not OK. 


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