Dear Prudence,
My husband and I had a traumatic first birth experience that involved pregnancy-related sudden illness for me and an extremely premature delivery for our daughter as a result of it. She is now doing extremely well, and outside of being a bit smaller than other babies her age, those that don’t know wouldn’t guess she was so early. We have found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant again (yes, we were actively preventing!). We have been seeing a trauma counselor since we learned of the pregnancy, but both of our anxiety (which we are both prone to even in the best of times) is understandably increasing as we get closer and closer to the point in the pregnancy where things went wrong last time.
So far, we’ve been able to do a good job of managing it by doing things like putting plans in place to feel as prepared as we possibly can for different versions of how this pregnancy may go. But recently, my husband has taken to asking me five to 10 times per day how I’m feeling, if I’m OK, is anything wrong, etc. I understand it’s his way of checking in, but it just sets me on edge and makes me feel more nervous every time I have to answer him and tell him that everything is fine. Although it’s not the case, it also makes me feel like he’s not listening and doesn’t actually trust my response when he has to ask so many more times throughout the same day.
Do you think it would be unkind to talk to him about this and tell him he needs to stop, or at the very least, cut back? I’ve told him to assume at all points that I feel fine, but kind of tired (after all, we do have a toddler!) and that I will tell him if that changes, but that hasn’t made a difference. I understand that this is his event to experience and work through too, so I want to be sensitive to his worries and feelings, but I do kind of feel like my anxiety gets to be the one that “counts” a little more here, for lack of a better way to put it.
— Worried but Hopeful