You a living in a sea of red flags that goes on forever.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I need an outside perspective on whether I’m kidding myself in my relationship. I’m a guy dating another guy, and it’s the best relationship of my life in so many ways. He’s smart, funny, thoughtful, and gorgeous. He’s also really possessive. I’ve caught him looking through my phone a few times (never finding anything, as there is nothing to find), and he gets edgy about my friendships with other queer men. He once threw my phone and broke it when I had changed the password. Most of my friends are women and straight guys, so it doesn’t come up often, but he’s gotten really angry and yelled at me over things like my gay male friend ending his texts to me with kisses or being “handsy” (my boyfriend’s inaccurate description) when we hug. My boyfriend says it’s not a matter of not trusting me so much as not trusting gay guys to not hit on me. To be fair, I do get hit on a lot in queer spaces, but it’s never been hard brushing them off, especially not with my ex-marine boyfriend next to me looking ready to kill them.

The problem is that I’m not sure I really mind? Like, I find this irritating and have snapped at him about it, but I mostly find it kind of flattering, if I’m honest. My previous boyfriends have treated me badly, and this is the first relationship where I’ve actually felt loved—it’s nice to have someone who is, in my boyfriend’s words, “crazy” about me. But a couple of my friends say it’s a huge red flag and have even implied he’s abusive or going to be abusive if I stay. I am 99 percent sure he would never hit me, and he’s never been physically aggressive with me. Can you advise on whether it sounds like I’m kidding myself, and this possessive behavior is a huge red flag that I should run from, or is there a midway point I’m missing where I could talk to him about this and get him to listen? I don’t want to break up (it’s been three years and we live together), but it worries me that I can’t describe his behavior to any of my friends without them looking horrified.

— Red Flag?

climbingsingle

ABUSE IS NOT LOVE. Go to therapy. 

banana468

If it worries you that you can't explain his behavior you have a problem AND you're part of it. 

This isn't flattery - it's control.  And your BF is trying to have way too much.  You shouldn't be with him and you should move out. 

MyNameIsNot

Run. Away from this guy and into therapy.

charlotte989875

Abuse isn’t love. 

VarunaTT

This is exactly what I mean when I say society trains us in how we perceive abuse.  This LW immediately goes into, "he's never been aggressive and I don't think he'd hit me".  Physical abuse is not the only way to abuse someone.

I think if your friends are concerned enough about this behavior to say something to LW, LW should listen.  I absolutely should've listened to my friends who basically staged an intervention about K's behavior and treatment of me, but I didn't.  Your friends can see what you cannot, LW.  Get thee into therapy at least and start talking to someone about it, so you can start drawing healthy boundaries for yourself and your relationship. Then start making decisions based on those.

missJeanLouise

Newsflash LW, this guy doesn't treat you well either.

I thought possessiveness and jealousy was a sign of love too once. Then I had to take out an order of protection against the guy. 

short+sassy

LW, I know you're a guy...so this may not be as much the worry for you as it is for women...but look up the signs of an abuser.  Extreme jealousy tops the list.  Breaking a person's belongings is another one.

I was in a relationship like this when I was younger.  I ended it after about two years because the irrational jealousy just became too much.

I'm not quite in the DTMFA camp yet since, other than this (it's a big "other than"), the relationship is great and there hasn't been any physical abuse after three years.  At least I'm assuming, since it wasn't mentioned.  But this isn't normal or okay behavior.  If the b/f agrees he has a problem, there's at least some hope.  Perhaps he can learn to better direct his insecurity and anger with couples counseling.  But if he doesn't agree or doesn't think there's a problem, that should be a dealbreaker.

LW, there's a reason all your friends look horrified.  His behavior is not flattering.  It turns my stomach to hear abusers or the victims say something like, "If I/he didn't love you/me so much, I/he wouldn't get so angry."  The b/f would act the same way whether he's madly in love with the LW or didn't care much about him.  The anger comes from wanting to have the power and control.

STARMOON44

If he threw your phone and broke it, he has already been physically aggressive.