Completely Lost

knottie79be0cda2f49d44f

I'm lost.
We can't afford the wedding we want and don't know what to do instead.
We'd be ok with a micro-wedding but only with the people we want not the people we "have to" have. However, this would cause too many fights and hurt feelings, it's just not an option. Keeping it to a micro-wedding would be 36 of the closest-related relatives and two friends. It would also mean not inviting the more distantly-related relatives who we have closer relationships with (but also live out of state).
I have reached out to several venues for micro-weddings in our area and have either gotten no response or been informed they're no longer doing weddings.
His dad's wife mentioned letting us get married in their backyard. But, she only said it to me in passing, his father hasn't offered it formally to us and my fiancé won't ask. Our own yard doesn't have level area to set up tables. 
I'm considering eloping. We have three children (two teens and a toddler) and I'm thinking a weekend away in the mountains or on a lake, just us. But, he really wants his mom, dad, and grandfather there.
I do not want my parents there. My oldest children have stopped speaking to my parents recently and I have not had a good relationship with my mother since I was a child. I'd really rather she not be involved at all. She tries to force our relationship and she will hang all over me every step of the way. I literally want to get married and not even tell her. Except, her and her husband gave us the only money we have to get married with (this was prior to their falling out with my older kids).
So we're just at a complete loss and I'm here, venting, wondering if anyone has a recommendation or a similar story.
(Did I mention we've been engaged for over a year?)

MobKaz

knottie79be0cda2f49d44f said:

I'm lost.
We can't afford the wedding we want and don't know what to do instead.
We'd be ok with a micro-wedding but only with the people we want not the people we "have to" have. However, this would cause too many fights and hurt feelings, it's just not an option. Keeping it to a micro-wedding would be 36 of the closest-related relatives and two friends. It would also mean not inviting the more distantly-related relatives who we have closer relationships with (but also live out of state).
I have reached out to several venues for micro-weddings in our area and have either gotten no response or been informed they're no longer doing weddings.
His dad's wife mentioned letting us get married in their backyard. But, she only said it to me in passing, his father hasn't offered it formally to us and my fiancé won't ask. Our own yard doesn't have level area to set up tables. 
I'm considering eloping. We have three children (two teens and a toddler) and I'm thinking a weekend away in the mountains or on a lake, just us. But, he really wants his mom, dad, and grandfather there.
I do not want my parents there. My oldest children have stopped speaking to my parents recently and I have not had a good relationship with my mother since I was a child. I'd really rather she not be involved at all. She tries to force our relationship and she will hang all over me every step of the way. I literally want to get married and not even tell her. Except, her and her husband gave us the only money we have to get married with (this was prior to their falling out with my older kids).
So we're just at a complete loss and I'm here, venting, wondering if anyone has a recommendation or a similar story.
(Did I mention we've been engaged for over a year?)

It sounds to me as if the only way to have a completely stress free and lovely wedding is to........

1.  Return the money given by your mom and her husband...

2.  Have a small and intimate courthouse wedding and follow it up with an amazing brunch or dinner with your children.....
3.  Have your husband's folks and grandfather join you a day shortly after the wedding for cake and a toast.

MyNameIsNot

Is the money from your parents a gift that you have and can spend on whatever, or is it a pledge to pay for wedding things for you? If it's the former, would you be able to live with yourself if you kept the money after cutting contact with them? 

There's no such thing as a "micro wedding." You don't need a certain number of people or amount of money to be a wedding, and it's pretty insulting and defeatist to suggest that weddings with smaller guest lists are inferior to larger weddings. 

The cheapest wedding is to get married at the courthouse with his parents and take them out to lunch after, or to rent a park pavilion and have some grocery store platters of food with the 30 people you want to invite. Get the idea that a wedding has to have this or that out of your head, and start thinking outside the box for simple budget friendly options. 

climbingsingle

Was the money given to you specifically for the wedding? If so, you should return it. Get married at a courthouse, invite his mom, dad, grandfather and then go out to lunch after. 

maine7mob

Get married at a courthouse. Later on, if and when you can afford to do so, have a party. By your standard, my husband and I had a "micro-wedding" years ago. We just called it our wedding.

MesmrEwe

1) Give the money back immediately...  It's not about the money, but it is about the money, give it back and plan the event you can afford.  There's a communications breakdown and boundaries to be set that need attention first.  And, if you don't want the person paying to even be there, yea, give the money back ASAP...
2) Approach the subject of the backyard casual wedding offer and go with that option or check with a local venue/hotel for a Cake & Punch reception at a non-meal time.  

levioosa

Return the money and elope. There will be some hurt feelings because it’s inevitable but it honestly sounds more like what you want. 

My H comes from a big family although we are really only close to his one sister and her H and his parents. Even immediate family was going to snowball our guest list to nearly 35 people if not more by the time you added in “well we really want Aunt Sue there but then we have to invite Aunt Judy and Uncle Joe and we don’t want to but then that’s drama for my dad.” So we eloped and had SIL’s H officiate and she was our witness. We had our parents meet us afterwards for dinner as a surprise. We had been together (and engaged) forever so after an initial shock it was a nice dinner. It worked for us. 

knottie79be0cda2f49d44f

MyNameIsNot said:

Is the money from your parents a gift that you have and can spend on whatever, or is it a pledge to pay for wedding things for you? If it's the former, would you be able to live with yourself if you kept the money after cutting contact with them? 

There's no such thing as a "micro wedding." You don't need a certain number of people or amount of money to be a wedding, and it's pretty insulting and defeatist to suggest that weddings with smaller guest lists are inferior to larger weddings. 

The cheapest wedding is to get married at the courthouse with his parents and take them out to lunch after, or to rent a park pavilion and have some grocery store platters of food with the 30 people you want to invite. Get the idea that a wedding has to have this or that out of your head, and start thinking outside the box for simple budget friendly options. 

It was a gift for the wedding and I was told to spend it however we wished and anything left over we keep.
As far as the micro wedding, my mother's list is 200 people. I'd have to label it something to avoid all the hurt feelings. Friends of ours had a wedding with less than 40 people, neither of them have much family so it was almost all friends. It was perfect, lots of fun. 
I would do the budget friendly, just us whatnot, it's him. He's the one who would be embarrassed to do that. 

knottie79be0cda2f49d44f

levioosa said:

Return the money and elope. There will be some hurt feelings because it’s inevitable but it honestly sounds more like what you want. 

My H comes from a big family although we are really only close to his one sister and her H and his parents. Even immediate family was going to snowball our guest list to nearly 35 people if not more by the time you added in “well we really want Aunt Sue there but then we have to invite Aunt Judy and Uncle Joe and we don’t want to but then that’s drama for my dad.” So we eloped and had SIL’s H officiate and she was our witness. We had our parents meet us afterwards for dinner as a surprise. We had been together (and engaged) forever so after an initial shock it was a nice dinner. It worked for us. 

Sounds like us: just "immediate" family brings us to 29 people! His aunt lives with his grandmother and babysits our kids so we would invite her, but then how do we not invite his other aunt and uncle and their spouses (whom he's not even close with). 

climbingsingle

knottie79be0cda2f49d44f said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Is the money from your parents a gift that you have and can spend on whatever, or is it a pledge to pay for wedding things for you? If it's the former, would you be able to live with yourself if you kept the money after cutting contact with them? 

There's no such thing as a "micro wedding." You don't need a certain number of people or amount of money to be a wedding, and it's pretty insulting and defeatist to suggest that weddings with smaller guest lists are inferior to larger weddings. 

The cheapest wedding is to get married at the courthouse with his parents and take them out to lunch after, or to rent a park pavilion and have some grocery store platters of food with the 30 people you want to invite. Get the idea that a wedding has to have this or that out of your head, and start thinking outside the box for simple budget friendly options. 

It was a gift for the wedding and I was told to spend it however we wished and anything left over we keep.
As far as the micro wedding, my mother's list is 200 people. I'd have to label it something to avoid all the hurt feelings. Friends of ours had a wedding with less than 40 people, neither of them have much family so it was almost all friends. It was perfect, lots of fun. 
I would do the budget friendly, just us whatnot, it's him. He's the one who would be embarrassed to do that. 

He's embarrassed to do what? Have a wedding that you can afford? 

MyNameIsNot

If he wants to do something other than just the two of you, he needs to be the one to come up with the money and start planning.

You are not responsible for planning a big wedding that you don't want and can't afford to make him happy. 

l_e_t_u_t_t_i

I understand that planning a wedding can be overwhelming, especially when faced with financial constraints and complex family dynamics. Here are a few suggestions to consider:

1. Open Communication: Have an open and honest conversation with your fiancé about your concerns, desires, and limitations. Make sure you both understand each other's perspectives and find common ground.

2. Prioritize Your Wishes: Focus on what is most important to you and your partner for your wedding day. Identify the key elements that you truly value, such as having your fiancé's parents and grandfather present.

3. Small Intimate Ceremony: Consider having a small and intimate ceremony with only immediate family and close friends. This could include your fiancé's parents and grandfather, and perhaps a couple of close friends, while excluding more distant relatives.

4. Alternative Venue Options: Explore alternative venues for your micro-wedding, such as local parks, community centers, or small event spaces that may offer more affordable options. You can also inquire about their policies regarding smaller gatherings.

5. Destination Wedding: If a weekend away appeals to you, consider a destination wedding that includes your desired guests. Look for scenic locations or venues that offer package deals for small weddings.

6. Financial Assistance: If finances are a concern, you can explore alternative options for funding your wedding. This may involve saving up, seeking financial assistance from other sources, or considering a loan with manageable repayment terms.

Remember, your wedding should be a reflection of your love and commitment. Focus on creating a meaningful and memorable experience within your means and with the people who truly matter to you.

irngix

Hey there! Planning a wedding is always overwhelming, but remember that the most important thing is celebrating your love. It's understandable to want a smaller wedding with those closest to you. Have you considered discussing your concerns openly with your fiancé and family? Communication might help find a solution that respects everyone's feelings. If eloping is an option, perhaps a compromise can be reached to include your fiancé's mom, dad, and grandfather. Remember, this day is about your happiness, so prioritize what feels right for you both. Hang in there, and wishing you a beautiful wedding! 

knottie9fc89b4aa39240b0

I am sorry