Wedding Party

Let go of a bridesmaid?

This has become a very awkward situation. Back when we got engaged, one of my partner's friends "Jane" helped her propose to me. My partner basically felt bad asking for her help and so then asked Jane to be a bridesmaid. I'm not a fan of Jane but have tried to just let it go. Well as time goes on, more things have been coming up. Our maids of honour both volunteered to plan our bachelorette party since we've done most of the wedding prep ourselves, and when they invited suggestions and opportunities for help, Jane criticized almost every idea with no alternatives and overstepped by inviting friends of her OWN to our party, that I didn't even know & who we did not invite to the wedding. She has also been making my sister/maid of honour very uncomfortable in that she has been more & more frequently trying to flirt with her boyfriend. My partner had been considering removing her from the bridal party a few months ago but thought she would try to keep an open mind and see how things went.

The time came for our party this weekend and Jane was over-the-top about making the day about her, making off-hand comments to my partner's maid of honour ("I was supposed to be maid of honour but I told her I'm not responsible enough so pick someone else") that were not true, and generally just being rude about how the day was going and how she thought it should go, even though she gave no input or help to actually plan it. It left our maids of honour and the rest of our bridal party extremely frustrated & exhausted trying to not flip out at her. 

I have had a sick-to-my-stomach feeling all day just thinking about having to accommodate her every beck and call, and trying to ease tension if she makes the day or the pictures or anything about her. Another thing I'm genuinely worried about is my own reactions, as I'm a pretty open book when it comes to facial expressions and I have a hard time holding them back. I also have autism and find it extremely difficult to just have a good time when she is constantly yelling or whining which is her preferred way of communicating - my ears physically hurt and during our bach party I just wanted to go inside and cry. 

Is it unreasonable to remove her from the wedding party at this point, 20 days out? We of course would reimburse her for the dress. At this point I'm honestly not even excited for my wedding, I'm just dreading having to make sure she's happy. We both feel so stressed out about the thought of her being there and feeling like we'll have to tend to her all day/night because if Jane's not happy, no one's allowed to be happy, historically. Help!! If we remover her, what would be the best way? And if we were to have a conversation, what should be brought up in terms of personal boundaries? 

Re: Let go of a bridesmaid?

  • This has become a very awkward situation. Back when we got engaged, one of my partner's friends "Jane" helped her propose to me. My partner basically felt bad asking for her help and so then asked Jane to be a bridesmaid. I'm not a fan of Jane but have tried to just let it go. Well as time goes on, more things have been coming up. Our maids of honour both volunteered to plan our bachelorette party since we've done most of the wedding prep ourselves, and when they invited suggestions and opportunities for help, Jane criticized almost every idea with no alternatives and overstepped by inviting friends of her OWN to our party, that I didn't even know & who we did not invite to the wedding. She has also been making my sister/maid of honour very uncomfortable in that she has been more & more frequently trying to flirt with her boyfriend. My partner had been considering removing her from the bridal party a few months ago but thought she would try to keep an open mind and see how things went.

    The time came for our party this weekend and Jane was over-the-top about making the day about her, making off-hand comments to my partner's maid of honour ("I was supposed to be maid of honour but I told her I'm not responsible enough so pick someone else") that were not true, and generally just being rude about how the day was going and how she thought it should go, even though she gave no input or help to actually plan it. It left our maids of honour and the rest of our bridal party extremely frustrated & exhausted trying to not flip out at her. 

    I have had a sick-to-my-stomach feeling all day just thinking about having to accommodate her every beck and call, and trying to ease tension if she makes the day or the pictures or anything about her. Another thing I'm genuinely worried about is my own reactions, as I'm a pretty open book when it comes to facial expressions and I have a hard time holding them back. I also have autism and find it extremely difficult to just have a good time when she is constantly yelling or whining which is her preferred way of communicating - my ears physically hurt and during our bach party I just wanted to go inside and cry. 

    Is it unreasonable to remove her from the wedding party at this point, 20 days out? We of course would reimburse her for the dress. At this point I'm honestly not even excited for my wedding, I'm just dreading having to make sure she's happy. We both feel so stressed out about the thought of her being there and feeling like we'll have to tend to her all day/night because if Jane's not happy, no one's allowed to be happy, historically. Help!! If we remover her, what would be the best way? And if we were to have a conversation, what should be brought up in terms of personal boundaries? 
    Are you/your partner interested in keeping a friendship with this person after the wedding? 


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  • No, we actually had a discussion about 2 weeks ago that after the wedding we really have no reason to keep seeing her as I don't really get along with her and my partner is more stressed out by her as time goes on.
  • Since she's on your partner's side, your partner is the one who has to make this call. They also have to do the dirty work. Kicking someone out of a wedding is likely to permanently end the relationship, but it sounds like partner is ok with that. 

    If that's the case, they just need to rip the bandaid off and cut ties. Of course this gets more complicated if there are a lot of overlapping mutual friends, but it doesn't sound like it.  "Breaking up" with a friend totally sucks and it's much easier to drift and ghost, but in the long run I think you'll both be happier to do it before the wedding rather than letting a bad friendship linger.  
  • No, we actually had a discussion about 2 weeks ago that after the wedding we really have no reason to keep seeing her as I don't really get along with her and my partner is more stressed out by her as time goes on.
    In that case, I would remove her from the wedding then. And I agree that it should be your partner to do it, as she was going to be standing up for your partner. And also agree that the "rip the bandaid off quickly" is probably the best approach here. 
  • If you're both truly sure that you don't want Jane in your lives once the wedding is over, I think it's okay to remove her from the wedding party. But it has to come from your partner, not you, especially if Jane is at all aware that you've never really liked her. I'm not sure you should even be part of the conversation when it happens.
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    short+sassyMesmrEwe
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