Give your friend the space she needs

short+sassy

Dear Prudence,

A close childhood friend of mine, “Anna,” has been struggling with infertility. We both married our spouses in early 2019, and they began trying for a baby on their honeymoon. My husband and I held off due to the pandemic and started trying after we’d received our COVID-19 jabs.
We were fortunate to get pregnant right away. Unfortunately, Anna has had the opposite experience and has since tried multiple rounds of IVF. I have tried to keep my pregnancy updates, details about our baby boy, and talk about becoming a mum as infrequent as possible. I purposely don’t bring up my son as often as I would with other friends in order to be sensitive to her feelings. She claims she’s happy for me, but it’s hard for her to hear about my pregnancy and newborn, which I understand. Before I had my son, she was forthcoming about her infertility struggles, and I provided a shoulder to lean on and ear to listen whenever she wanted to talk. I checked in on how she was doing regularly, and have continued to do so, but ever since my son was born she has shut me out.

She met him once when he was a few weeks old but shortly after had another unsuccessful round of IVF. I have tried to contact her many times about a funny program or good book I’ve read (any topics far from mum life/pregnancy) and have seemingly been ghosted. If she responds she’s quite short. My heart hurts for her and I really, really miss my friend. There’s nothing I want more than for her to have the pregnancy and motherhood experience she so desires. But I’m at a loss as to how to proceed. We have had a chat where I told her I wanted to be sensitive to her circumstances and have tried to initiate conversations without bringing up my son or how much my life has changed. It’s been difficult, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, which I felt I was unable to confide in her as I would never want to cause her any additional hurt or pain. I have since opened up to her about my diagnosis and mental health, but it was a difficult conversation. Throughout my pregnancy I felt overwhelming guilt and anxiety at having gotten pregnant so quickly and even more so now that my son is nearly four months old. Aside from a birth announcement, I have avoided sharing photos and updates of my son on social media, as she has mentioned in the past that pregnancy and baby posts are difficult for her. I’m currently on leave through the end of the year and am therefore unable to facilitate the typical back and forth regarding work, though I’ve made it a point to ask how her recent promotion has been going. It’s been nearly a month since we last spoke, and our phone conversation was awkward and stilted at best. She has not responded to my messages since. What can I do to mend our relationship? I’m hesitant to have another “I’m here for you” chat as she has expressed she does not want sympathy and prefers I not ask how she’s faring. Yet my attempts at otherwise innocuous conversation have been met with a brick wall. We have been close since primary school, I consider her to be the sister I never had, and I really don’t want this to end our decades-old friendship.

— New Mum Missing Her Best Friend

STARMOON44

You don’t do anything else and you don’t end the friendship. You accept that this friendship is in a low period and cultivate other relationships for now and live your life fully and welcome her back if and when she comes. 

banana468

It's important to know that the stress a person experiences going through infertility is comparable to someone going through cancer AND if she's going through more egg retrieval that also sends her into a hormonal upheaval.

That said, I think you also need to give this person space and maybe a periodic check-in.  They are likely going through an incredibly severe depression and that does not mean that ignoring the LW and her own mental health is OK but it does explain why she may be checked out. 

If I were LW I would also look to other friends that can be more emotionally available now.  It doesn't mean that the relationship is over but if the LW also has emotional needs then she may want to consider joining a mom group where she can talk about the ups and downs of new parenting with those having similar experiences.  Doing so may also offer her the opportunity to feel more emotionally free as a shoulder for her friend. 

charlotte989875

She’s expressed she doesn’t want to talk about how’s she’s doing or her feelings toward fertility with you- you need to respect that. If she’s told you to stop asking you don’t keep asking. 

It’s got to be so efffing hard to be around someone with a newborn when you’re desperately trying to have a baby. She can’t be there for you as a new mum now and as hard as that is- you need to find other support. Don’t end the friendship, don’t make it a thing, just respect what she needs now and cultivate what you need in other ways. 

downtondiva

You need to give her some space. Although you mean well, you're probably just making Anna more uncomfortable at this point. Sympathy from someone who has what you so desperately want can feel incredibly awkward and embarrassing.

Focus on other friendships for now and let Anna deal with her feelings in peace. Friendships ebb and flow, especially in adulthood, and for the time being you need to accept that it's hard for her to be close to you. Hopefully that will change in the future, but don't force it.

short+sassy

I get why the LW is sad, but she needs to be more understanding about what her friend is going through.  It's not fair for anyone but, for her own emotional health, Anna needs to keep her distance right now from the LW.  I don't think the friendship is ending, but it needs space.  Keep the doors open with occasional contact and don't ask "how things are going", because Anna already said she doesn't want to talk about it.