They sound annoying, but so do you.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

My company relocated me to my home town for a temporary project. I’ve made some friends from work, but have basically started hanging out with my old high school friends. Before I came, I didn’t think I wanted to make any new friends besides maybe some work friends because I was only going to be here for six to eight months. It’s been two months and I’m not sure my high school friends and I are still in the same places in our lives.

The one thing that keeps annoying me about their behavior is that they keep discussing how being called “gifted” as a child set them up for failure. The issue I have with that is that none of these people actually tried to do anything significant with their “gifts.” I ended up going to an Ivy League school and worked my butt off to get scholarships. Meanwhile, none of my friends even applied to their dream school because they didn’t think their parents could afford it and didn’t even try to look for scholarships. Each of them just went to the good, but very average, local universities.

All of them complain about any number of things having to do with their lives, but aren’t able to do anything to try to fix it. It’s like they think the fact that they were gifted meant the world was going to hand them everything on a silver platter. So, I’m at the point where I’m getting a little tired of hanging out with them in situations where we talk a lot. I’m a very social person, so just having two work friends isn’t going to be good enough for me. Do you think I should say something to my friends? If so, should I tell them that they actually need to work towards the life they want or something else? Should I actually try to make new friends even though I have, at most, six more months?

—Gifted Burnout

charlotte989875

Make new work friends? Make other local, non-high school friends? 

But yeah you all sound annoying. 

STARMOON44

The thing is as an adult if you don’t like someone, you just stop being friends. You don’t meddle or judge or try to fix them. 

MyNameIsNot

"It’s like they think the fact that they were gifted meant the world was going to hand them everything on a silver platter." Right. That's exactly the point. They're saying that labeling them as gifted set them up to believe that success is a given. 

Anyway, you don't have to be friends with people just because you went to high school together and are temporarily living in the same town. Find other friends, hang out with work people, or do a little solo time for the next couple of months. 

downtondiva

You all sound exhausting and I'm glad I don't know any of you. Get over yourselves. And if you don't want to hang out with them anymore, just stop! 

ei34

Sometimes I have more patience for non-problem letters than others.  This is ridiculous.  I think they're all in their early 20s if high school (and labels from elementary school) are still so fresh on everyone's minds.  If you're a highly social person LW, make new friends.  What are your interests?  Find friends outside of work and hs.  I honestly couldn't imagine hanging out with someone where the only common link was that we went to high school together.

banana468

There's also a major issue when you're called "gifted" as a young child and you're a small fish in a small pond.  Educators and parents are doing SUCH a disservice to kids to not tell them that they're going to be in major competition with others. 

I always had decent grades but wasn't in the gifted program.  I remember my parents had a financial advisor over before I started applying to college to figure out what they would likely need to be expected to pay vs. what other opportunities were out there.  I asked, "What if I apply to Yale (the obvious Ivy 25 min from home) ?" and he said, "Do you know how many valedictorians apply to Yale?  25 years later it's still stuck with me that you NEED to tell kids that being gifted is a step not the end goal. 

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

There's also a major issue when you're called "gifted" as a young child and you're a small fish in a small pond.  Educators and parents are doing SUCH a disservice to kids to not tell them that they're going to be in major competition with others. 

I always had decent grades but wasn't in the gifted program.  I remember my parents had a financial advisor over before I started applying to college to figure out what they would likely need to be expected to pay vs. what other opportunities were out there.  I asked, "What if I apply to Yale (the obvious Ivy 25 min from home) ?" and he said, "Do you know how many valedictorians apply to Yale?  25 years later it's still stuck with me that you NEED to tell kids that being gifted is a step not the end goal. 

This was me. I was in the gifted program, I went to NYU and got there and there were a TON of smart, gifted people. I learned that I didn’t really know how to study, and that I needed to work hard to do well. It took me until my junior year to figure it out. 

I’d also say it can me a lot of anxiety about being the “smart kid” who always does well. I’ve had to do a lot of work internally to walk back always having to be the best, and get everything “right” all the time. 

Casadena

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

There's also a major issue when you're called "gifted" as a young child and you're a small fish in a small pond.  Educators and parents are doing SUCH a disservice to kids to not tell them that they're going to be in major competition with others. 

I always had decent grades but wasn't in the gifted program.  I remember my parents had a financial advisor over before I started applying to college to figure out what they would likely need to be expected to pay vs. what other opportunities were out there.  I asked, "What if I apply to Yale (the obvious Ivy 25 min from home) ?" and he said, "Do you know how many valedictorians apply to Yale?  25 years later it's still stuck with me that you NEED to tell kids that being gifted is a step not the end goal. 

This was me. I was in the gifted program, I went to NYU and got there and there were a TON of smart, gifted people. I learned that I didn’t really know how to study, and that I needed to work hard to do well. It took me until my junior year to figure it out. 

I’d also say it can me a lot of anxiety about being the “smart kid” who always does well. I’ve had to do a lot of work internally to walk back always having to be the best, and get everything “right” all the time. 

@ba@banana468 you're exactly right.  My situation sounds very much like Charlotte.  I still struggle with this sometimes when I'm overwhelmed. *this* being not being really good at something immediately or being ok with asking for help, etc. 

levioosa

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

There's also a major issue when you're called "gifted" as a young child and you're a small fish in a small pond.  Educators and parents are doing SUCH a disservice to kids to not tell them that they're going to be in major competition with others. 

I always had decent grades but wasn't in the gifted program.  I remember my parents had a financial advisor over before I started applying to college to figure out what they would likely need to be expected to pay vs. what other opportunities were out there.  I asked, "What if I apply to Yale (the obvious Ivy 25 min from home) ?" and he said, "Do you know how many valedictorians apply to Yale?  25 years later it's still stuck with me that you NEED to tell kids that being gifted is a step not the end goal. 

This was me. I was in the gifted program, I went to NYU and got there and there were a TON of smart, gifted people. I learned that I didn’t really know how to study, and that I needed to work hard to do well. It took me until my junior year to figure it out. 

I’d also say it can me a lot of anxiety about being the “smart kid” who always does well. I’ve had to do a lot of work internally to walk back always having to be the best, and get everything “right” all the time. 

Same. I also feels like it amplifies the imposter syndrome. 

missJeanLouise

Similar to all of you, I really struggled once things became hard because I was used to things being easy and gave up immediately 

short+sassy

I find the word and phrase "gifted"/"gifted program", super cringy when talking about children.  I wish that word would leave the educational lexicon.

Because what does that say about most children?  That they AREN'T "gifted".  They aren't as "good".  And all that stuff starts so young.  It's the have's and the have not's, in a child's world.  It's negative and de-motivating.

I understand that school can't be personalized.  That various programs or things like math groups (in class) need to be set up to help each child perform their best.  But it needs to be more low key and not use words like "gifted".

And perhaps that's true now.  I hope so.  My knowledge of elementary school is from when I was in it, 40ish years ago.  It was not low key, back then.