HELP: I'm the bride and I had no idea I was getting married

knottieed3f11bae4c714a9

I don't know how to feel. What would you do now if you were me?

My mom, grandma, and fiancé spent thousands of dollars and threw me a surprise wedding. I got married and had no choice in how or where or even what I wore...

Background: my fiancé is from the UK and we needed to get legally married before I can move. This was always intended to be a courthouse documents only wedding. I wanted us to go back to the place we met, just the two of us, and sign our documents there then get lunch at the coffee shop where we met. It was really important to me and I was really excited about it.

But instead, I went on a family vacation and my fiancé (and his parents) flew in to surprise me with a bended knee engagement. But since he was not going to be able to fly back to the USA again any time soon he and my mom planned a surprise wedding. I don't see any reality where refusing would have been an option just because I wanted my document wedding my way. 

Now I'm married and I'm devastated about how everything went down. I had no say in where, when or how I got married. My mom did not invite my dad or my dad's side of the family. But it's too late.

I married the man I love, and that's what's really important, but I don't know how to make peace with this situation.

My mom and grandma got extremely angry with me because I was upset. They repeatedly informed me they spent thousands of dollars and told me I was being ungrateful and selfish.

I don't want this to effect my marriage but this is not a great start. I don't want to think of this as my wedding with all the arguments after, my dad not being there, and having no say. But I'm already married... I don't know. 

What would you do? (Besides talk to a therapist because I definitely will be doing that)

climbingsingle

knottieed3f11bae4c714a9 said:

I don't know how to feel. What would you do now if you were me?

My mom, grandma, and fiancé spent thousands of dollars and threw me a surprise wedding. I got married and had no choice in how or where or even what I wore...

Background: my fiancé is from the UK and we needed to get legally married before I can move. This was always intended to be a courthouse documents only wedding. I wanted us to go back to the place we met, just the two of us, and sign our documents there then get lunch at the coffee shop where we met. It was really important to me and I was really excited about it.

But instead, I went on a family vacation and my fiancé (and his parents) flew in to surprise me with a bended knee engagement. But since he was not going to be able to fly back to the USA again any time soon he and my mom planned a surprise wedding. I don't see any reality where refusing would have been an option just because I wanted my document wedding my way. 

Now I'm married and I'm devastated about how everything went down. I had no say in where, when or how I got married. My mom did not invite my dad or my dad's side of the family. But it's too late.

I married the man I love, and that's what's really important, but I don't know how to make peace with this situation.

My mom and grandma got extremely angry with me because I was upset. They repeatedly informed me they spent thousands of dollars and told me I was being ungrateful and selfish.

I don't want this to effect my marriage but this is not a great start. I don't want to think of this as my wedding with all the arguments after, my dad not being there, and having no say. But I'm already married... I don't know. 

What would you do? (Besides talk to a therapist because I definitely will be doing that)

Wow. I honestly don't even know what advice or feedback to give aside from therapy, which you already plan on. But I can tell you that this would all bother me very much as well. And I'd especially be upset if one of my parents wasn't included. I'm sorry. I definitely think you should talk openly with your husband about your feelings. 

I'm sorry. I wish I had better advice. I hope you're able to come to peace with this. 

MyNameIsNot

Therapy sounds like a good start. I agree about talking really openly with your husband about this. I don't think I could be married to someone that would be comfortable taking this much agency away from me. Is he just completely clueless and somehow thought this would be romantic? 

MesmrEwe

IMO - being bloody steamed/pissed off on this one is a 1000% entirely appropriate response to that - especially where someone who is one of your VIP's for the formal wedding was left out and ignored in the process is rude and inconsiderate no matter how much they may have disliked the man, it was YOUR and your Father's decision that they robbed from you both.  You didn't ask for a penny of the money they spent on details you didn't want nor decide, that part of the problem and what they spent is on them. 

As for your husband, that's a good place to start in therapy as this is absolutely in the realm of Marriage and Family Counseling and he needs to be present because this is FAR bigger than a "just you" and your legal ceremony issue!  This speaks to boundaries for your marriage in the future on SO many levels.  What happens if/should you decide to have children and have a name picked out and suddenly he decides he doesn't like it and fills out paperwork with the "wrong" name and submits it?  Or your FMIL decides how she wants your living room to look and doesn't like the paint color you chose so trashes your furniture, paints over the walls and expects you to like the new décor  because she "spent lots of money on it!"..  Or buying a house/car/career, are your opinions, wishes, finances, etc. going to be left out of that decision process as well?

This has the flags written all over it and you've got some strong boundaries to set and set those boundaries deep!!!  Deeper than they'd otherwise be for the average person!