Do you want to be friends with them?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I was out recently with two friends, who I’ll call “Sarah” and “Jane.” We were talking about bad dates, and I mentioned that I was a little skittish because of the physical abuse I’d dealt with as a kid. Sarah commiserating, telling me about a time her mom had kicked a date out of her house because he’d threatened to beat her.

Jane heard all of this and seemed kind of put off, then butted in to say something along the lines of “People are too quick to cut someone off over one slap or shove, and we have to be more understanding towards people’s anger.” Sarah seemed to laugh it off, I said something flippant (“OK, guess I’m not calling you if I have a black eye”), but as time wears on, I’m kind of more unsettled. I’ve been avoiding Sarah because I’m not sure how to react to what she said: On the one hand, it feels weird to cut her off over one weird conversation, but on the other hand, I’m very put off when people hear about abuse and immediately minimize it.

—When Friends Side With Abusers They’ve Never Even Met

banana468

If it really bothers you and you're friends with her then you may need to have a longer conversation about violence, what's OK and not OK and what's also a clear pattern of behavior.

You may also find that Sarah has demons in her own closet so be careful that you're not approaching with a preachy attitude. 

charlotte989875

I wonder if Sarah has used that to justify abuse she has suffered in the past. To me it doesn’t sound like truly exploding away violence but trying to minimize how bad it really is so she doesn’t have to confront her own experience. 

CharmedPam

Maybe Sarah’s just not getting it and needs an insiders view? Talk before just ending things 

Casadena

I find it weird she's mad at Sarah more than she's mad at Jane?  Seems like Sarah was trying not to make waves or confront JAne about the crappy thing she said.  Am I reading this totally wrong?

short+sassy

Casadena said:

I find it weird she's mad at Sarah more than she's mad at Jane?  Seems like Sarah was trying not to make waves or confront JAne about the crappy thing she said.  Am I reading this totally wrong?

Oh, you're right!  I assume she is using aliases and am wondering if she accidentally "switched" the people she is talking about.

I'm more in the camp of having a discussion with Sarah/Jane about how hurtful it was they were diminishing physical abuse, especially while the LW was talking about her own story of surviving abuse.  Trying to salvage the friendship, while also enlightening them about how it can come off.

But it's ultimately up to the LW.  If she doesn't want to try to salvage the friendship(s), that wouldn't be over-reacting either.

MissKittyDanger

Both "Sarah" and "Jane" likely aren't being realistic about the number of people abused in various relationships.

I think LW needs to stop and say something. Even if it's not about their past but explaining at the very least how comments like that are not ok and how someone who'd been abused could find them hurtful without intention