HELP! Am I the a**hole for not catering to my future in-laws on this?

knottie5c7554a645a8f5e0

So for context, my fiance's only brother is in the military. It is currently November while I am writing this. We found out the night that we got engaged that he will be deployed overseas from May/June, until about Christmas time. We wanted to have a fall wedding around September/October and do not want to wait until fall 2024 due to my grandmothers declining health. She has early onset dementia and some days are better than others. My whole family and I would be devastated if she could not attend the wedding/remember the wedding if we wait until 2024. My fiances opinion is that his brother knew by joining the military that he would be missing events and that is the commitment he made when he signed up. However, my future mother-in-law has very strong opinions. Her whole life is her 2 boys. She is very opinionated and not afraid of conflict. Of course we would like my fiancés brother to attend, but we are not pushing the wedding to 2024 due to my grandmother. Another point is that even if we push it to 2024, brother will still be in the military and still no guarantee that he will be able to attend. Are we in the wrong for wanting my grandmother there over his brother?

MyNameIsNot

knottie5c7554a645a8f5e0 said:

So for context, my fiance's only brother is in the military. It is currently November while I am writing this. We found out the night that we got engaged that he will be deployed overseas from May/June, until about Christmas time. We wanted to have a fall wedding around September/October and do not want to wait until fall 2024 due to my grandmothers declining health. She has early onset dementia and some days are better than others. My whole family and I would be devastated if she could not attend the wedding/remember the wedding if we wait until 2024. My fiances opinion is that his brother knew by joining the military that he would be missing events and that is the commitment he made when he signed up. However, my future mother-in-law has very strong opinions. Her whole life is her 2 boys. She is very opinionated and not afraid of conflict. Of course we would like my fiancés brother to attend, but we are not pushing the wedding to 2024 due to my grandmother. Another point is that even if we push it to 2024, brother will still be in the military and still no guarantee that he will be able to attend. Are we in the wrong for wanting my grandmother there over his brother?

You're not wrong for choosing the date that works for the two of you, and letting other people deal with it. But the either/or of your FI's brother and your grandmother is a false equivalency. You could get married this spring before the brother deploys, theoretically meaning both people could attend. 

But if your FI agrees that having your grandmother there is more important than his brother, he needs to tell his mother that and shut her down. 

Jen4948

I think that no matter what you decide, once you finalize your decision your FI needs to make it clear to his mother that the matter is no longer open for discussion.

But I agree with @MyNameIsNot that this should not be presented as your grandmother vs. his brother. If it turns out that his brother can't be there on the date you choose, your FI should say to his mother, "Mom, Knottie and I would love for him to be at the wedding too, and this was a hard decision for us to make for that reason. We know that he'll be wishing us joy wherever he is stationed. Let's not make it harder by dwelling on his absence."

knottie5c7554a645a8f5e0

@MyNameIsNot Thank you! I definitely did not mean for it to come off as Grandmother vs. Brother, that is wrong of me. Yes, we thought about doing a small ceremony with immediate family before he deploys and then still having the reception this fall as planned, and include his brother as much as we can like playing his best man speech on a projector at the reception. Having 2 separate events is just not something that my fiance and I would like to have to do. It just seems like double the work and stress, and whenever I picture our wedding, it has always been set in fall with all the warm colors of the north east trees. Are we just being selfish or is it valid considering the whole point of the wedding is about us? If we have the wedding without his brother, I am afraid of how that will affect my future relationship with my fiance's parents.

charlotte989875

knottie5c7554a645a8f5e0 said:

@MyNameIsNot Thank you! I definitely did not mean for it to come off as Grandmother vs. Brother, that is wrong of me. Yes, we thought about doing a small ceremony with immediate family before he deploys and then still having the reception this fall as planned, and include his brother as much as we can like playing his best man speech on a projector at the reception. Having 2 separate events is just not something that my fiance and I would like to have to do. It just seems like double the work and stress, and whenever I picture our wedding, it has always been set in fall with all the warm colors of the north east trees. Are we just being selfish or is it valid considering the whole point of the wedding is about us? If we have the wedding without his brother, I am afraid of how that will affect my future relationship with my fiance's parents.

I think she’s suggesting to get married in the spring. Just in the spring. Not having a second party in the fall. 

The way I see it- is getting married in September/October more important than having both brother and grandmother there? I’d be worried not just about your relationship with your FILs but your FIs relationship with his brother. He says now that it’s what his bro signed up for, but will he be sad about not having his brother there at his wedding? If so I’d say get married in May before brother deploys. 

You’re not wrong for wanting what you want on your wedding- but also know that what you want doesn’t always align with other peoples lives and sometimes there are tough decisions you have to make. It’s sucks and it’s hard for sure. 

MyNameIsNot

knottie5c7554a645a8f5e0 said:

@MyNameIsNot Thank you! I definitely did not mean for it to come off as Grandmother vs. Brother, that is wrong of me. Yes, we thought about doing a small ceremony with immediate family before he deploys and then still having the reception this fall as planned, and include his brother as much as we can like playing his best man speech on a projector at the reception. Having 2 separate events is just not something that my fiance and I would like to have to do. It just seems like double the work and stress, and whenever I picture our wedding, it has always been set in fall with all the warm colors of the north east trees. Are we just being selfish or is it valid considering the whole point of the wedding is about us? If we have the wedding without his brother, I am afraid of how that will affect my future relationship with my fiance's parents.

I wasn't suggesting two events, but rather just having the wedding this spring. You'd be looking at 5-6 months to plan, which is doable in most places. 

The season sounds nice in theory, but it shouldn't be more important than people. Keep in mind that it's entirely possible that it rains all day or that unseasonal weather leaves you with either bare or still green trees. 

knottie5c7554a645a8f5e0

@MyNameIsNot Okay, we talked to his brother and asked him when he would be home before he deploys so that we could just start planning on having the whole wedding before he leaves. He told us that he does not and will not have a set schedule due to the many trainings that need to occur prior to his departure. This new information means that we cannot book anything for a set date. No table/chair rental. No catering. No officiant... not to mention having to tell any guests invited on a random Wednesday "Hey, the wedding is this Saturday, hope you can make it." I'm not sure where to go from here, other than waiting until next year (which again has no guarantee still that his brother will be able to attend or my grandmother considering her health...) and that is something I don't think we will be able to compromise on.

banana468

I think if you can't even count on him to be there in the spring then you book a date that works.  

But in a situation like this can you have the conversation with your FMIL and ask what she suggests so both your grandmother can attend and her other son attend?