Classic: Y'all suck and I feel bad for your kids.

mrsconn23

Q. I pressured my husband to have kids and now I am being cut out: When I first met my husband, he made it clear that he never wanted children. I know it was wrong of me, but I wore him down: Seven years ago he became a very reluctant father, and we had another child three years later.

It’s obvious now that we made a terrible mistake. He hates being a parent, finds our children incredibly irritating, and resents me for it. He’s too good a man for them to be aware of his distaste and discomfit, but kids are like cats and the more distant and reserved he is toward them, the more eager they have grown for his attention. They worship him and barely acknowledge me, which pains both of us.

I’m jealous of their affection for him and pained by the fact that all three of them hate me. Am I stuck like this forever? I sometimes feel I should get a divorce, but he doesn’t want custody and my kids don’t want to be around me. Is there any way my marriage can be saved? Or have I screwed everything up completely?

banana468

Well, you likely need to step it up without being smothering.  You have a 7 year old.   Get the kid into activities with their peers.  Engage on that level and be the active parent.  

Then get to counseling to see to what level of involvement your H wants to be and also figure out if he's going to be engaged in the home at all.  Regardless of how he got there he's now there so grumping his way through the marriage is also no way to live either.  

MyNameIsNot

Sounds like you've made your bed. Divorce is probably your best option here. 

But also, kids don't like people because they are distant. They see more than you give them credit for. Would you even feel bad about pressuring/manipulating your husband for kids if they liked you better?

Casadena

reluctant or not, he's a father now.  If he was that against it he wouldn't have done it, no matter how much pressure you put on him.  This can't all be put on LW. It was wrong of LW to do that, but he also actively participated in creating 2 children - he needs to step it up or pay child support and LW can do it separately.  

Kids may not like ppl who are distant, but they also don't push parents away unless they feel a secure enough connection to know that they are loved and supported and that parent will always be there. 

charlotte989875

Wow everyone here is terrible. Besides the kids. 

mrsconn23

LW's H could have gotten a vasectomy and he chose not to. He could have gotten it before kids or after the first one.  So he has agency here.  

Do I think LW sucks for 'wearing' him down and forcing the issue of kids?  For sure.  

I find LW's version of their life extremely skewed.  Either he engages with the kids or he doesn't.  I lean toward the former, that he shows them some kind of attention or love (even if it's masqueraded love) to the kids and that's why they want his attention.  If he was cold and closed off to them, they'd likely be cautious or fearful around him.  And if he's so bitter about having kids, why is he still there? I wonder if he actually does more than LW will give credit because LW is so agitated about their entire life and how it's turned out.  

I also wonder how LW interacts with the kids since they feel unstable in their marriage and parenthood.  I wonder if LW runs hot and cold with everyone in their house and it's why they feel the kids 'hate' them.  No, they're probably insecure in their relationship with you because they don't know which version of you they're going to get.  I can totally see LW seething and being rude or sarcastic to the kids if they show any affection for the dad 'who didn't want them'.  FFS, they compared their kids to cats. 

I think LW should at the very least get some therapy.  I have no idea if this marriage can be saved or not, but LW will do themself and their children no favors if they don't get some help to find perspective on their life situation. 

short+sassy

I'm sorry, but why are people this stupid?  If someone is a "no kids ever" person and someone else is a "must have a child" person, then don't go on the next date with them way back in the early days.  Usually that's by the 2nd or 3rd date, so there isn't much invested yet.  That goes for both of them.  More than 4 men or women.

But since it is too late to go back in time, they need marriage counseling to help decide the next best path to take.  The heartbreaking thing is, if they divorce, the children will probably rarely see their father.  I hope he loves or at least likes them enough to not completely disappear from their lives.

The LW also sounds like a bit of a drama queen.  I'm sure her kids don't hate her.  But they probably already get a lot of affection and time from her, so they strive to also get some of that from their father.

I know my sister and I were a bit like that when we were young children.  We loved both our parents, but liked our dad better.  We never said that to our mom, but she probably knew which I feel guilty about now.  My mom worked part-time so we spent the majority of our time with her.  But dad worked 40-60 hour weeks and sometimes weird shifts.  We only got to see him in his free time, so we especially wanted to spend time with him.  

As an adult, I now recognize that she did the heavy-lifting parenting.  He definitely did his share of parenting/house chores when he was home, I don't want to make it sound like he didn't.  Unlike the LW's H, he also loved being a dad and enjoyed playing with us.  Or at least seemed to, lol.  But he also had more opportunity to be the "fun" parent, because he wasn't always there for the day-to-day.