If you go, ignore the cousin and your MIL.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Six years ago, my wife’s cousin called her to decline our wedding invitation because he’s a pastor and it wouldn’t be a good look if his congregation knew he was attending a gay wedding. He thought telling us this was the polite thing to do. We have rather easily cut him and his immediate family out of our life because he lives many states away.  Now, my wife’s loving and accepting grandmother has died and there will be a small memorial for her in the coming weeks. My MIL thinks our response to his phone call is ridiculous since “there were probably other people who declined for the same reason” and we just don’t know it. She wants our kids to play together and spend a long weekend celebrating the life of my wife’s grandmother. How should we behave during this memorial weekend family reunion? Should I allow my 4-year-old to play with his young children knowing very well that he teaches them hate? What do I do if he tries to say hi to me like everything is normal? I’m just so sad that all of these people who supposedly love my wife and myself and our children think that we are irrational and he isn’t.

— Tired of Being Tolerated

STARMOON44

I think you should attend the weekend, plan to stay in a hotel or Airbnb and rent a car so you have the freedom to leave whenever you need, be polite and cool to cousin because grandma’s funeral is not a time to start something, and if your kids play together so be it but you don’t need to seek out opportunities to make that happen. I think your spouse should also stop discussing this with his mother.  “Mom we are attending grandmas funeral and that is our focus. I’m not going to talk about Cousin with you anymore.”

banana468

Funerals are for the living.  You don't need to go.

That said, if you do, keep your distance but at the same time, are you wanting to put that wall up for your 4 yo while there if there are other kids?  

LW and the wife are going to know the family dynamic here but given the numerous variables I would either attend alone or as a couple and if possible leave the kid home who won't understand the dynamics of not playing with other kids. 

Casadena

STARMOON44 said:

I think you should attend the weekend, plan to stay in a hotel or Airbnb and rent a car so you have the freedom to leave whenever you need, be polite and cool to cousin because grandma’s funeral is not a time to start something, and if your kids play together so be it but you don’t need to seek out opportunities to make that happen. I think your spouse should also stop discussing this with his mother.  “Mom we are attending grandmas funeral and that is our focus. I’m not going to talk about Cousin with you anymore.”

I would do this exactly. 

mrsconn23

I think LW would be correct in blowing off the cousin and they should consider giving MIL the cold shoulder since she's clearly problematic.  I'd also make sure I had my own space away from everyone to decompress and escape to if people get really dumb. 

However, I wouldn't go so far as to worry about barring a 4-year-old from playing with other kids for a couple hours during a weekend with family for a funeral.  They'll likely say and do normal kid shit, and 4-year-olds won't remember the one time they played at the family thing where everyone was together.  I highly doubt he'll have his kids handing out Jesus brochures or whatever.  

If LW's wife wants to go, then go.  I'd leave that ball in her court. 

charlotte989875

I’d your spouse wants to go, then go and support them. Have your own place & transportation and ignore and avoid the bigots. If someone says something inappropriate you respond appropriately. If the 4 year olds end up being rude then address it how you would any other kid. Protect yourselves and your child but if your spouse wants to go, set your boundaries and say goodbye to grandma. 

That said- if they don’t want to go then the answer is even clearer. 

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

Six years ago, my wife’s cousin called her to decline our wedding invitation because he’s a pastor and it wouldn’t be a good look if his congregation knew he was attending a gay wedding. He thought telling us this was the polite thing to do. We have rather easily cut him and his immediate family out of our life because he lives many states away.  Now, my wife’s loving and accepting grandmother has died and there will be a small memorial for her in the coming weeks. My MIL thinks our response to his phone call is ridiculous since “there were probably other people who declined for the same reason” and we just don’t know it. She wants our kids to play together and spend a long weekend celebrating the life of my wife’s grandmother. How should we behave during this memorial weekend family reunion? Should I allow my 4-year-old to play with his young children knowing very well that he teaches them hate? What do I do if he tries to say hi to me like everything is normal? I’m just so sad that all of these people who supposedly love my wife and myself and our children think that we are irrational and he isn’t.

— Tired of Being Tolerated

The difference is those were people who may have been intolerant jerks, but were polite enough to not take away any of the wedding joy for the LW and their wife.

Though I'm a little confused by the last line that refers to "all of these people".  The MIL is the only person mentioned as having said something like that to them.  But if that is the slant for most of the family, with the spouse's okay, maybe plan for limited contact.

They can go to the funeral, pay their respects, and not attend any other events.  Or go to other events, but only stay a short while/play it by ear.

It's easy to be polite to someone in words, while showing them with your tone and lack of smile that everything is not back to normal and you don't like them.  That's what I'd suggest if the cousin comes to talk to the LW.  Along with leaving the conversation after superficial pleasantries.

But I wouldn't worry about the young children playing together, unless something negative is overheard.  Children naturally gravitate to other children their age.    

banana468

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

Six years ago, my wife’s cousin called her to decline our wedding invitation because he’s a pastor and it wouldn’t be a good look if his congregation knew he was attending a gay wedding. He thought telling us this was the polite thing to do. We have rather easily cut him and his immediate family out of our life because he lives many states away.  Now, my wife’s loving and accepting grandmother has died and there will be a small memorial for her in the coming weeks. My MIL thinks our response to his phone call is ridiculous since “there were probably other people who declined for the same reason” and we just don’t know it. She wants our kids to play together and spend a long weekend celebrating the life of my wife’s grandmother. How should we behave during this memorial weekend family reunion? Should I allow my 4-year-old to play with his young children knowing very well that he teaches them hate? What do I do if he tries to say hi to me like everything is normal? I’m just so sad that all of these people who supposedly love my wife and myself and our children think that we are irrational and he isn’t.

— Tired of Being Tolerated

The difference is those were people who may have been intolerant jerks, but were polite enough to not take away any of the wedding joy for the LW and their wife.

Though I'm a little confused by the last line that refers to "all of these people".  The MIL is the only person mentioned as having said something like that to them.  But if that is the slant for most of the family, with the spouse's okay, maybe plan for limited contact.

They can go to the funeral, pay their respects, and not attend any other events.  Or go to other events, but only stay a short while/play it by ear.

It's easy to be polite to someone in words, while showing them with your tone and lack of smile that everything is not back to normal and you don't like them.  That's what I'd suggest if the cousin comes to talk to the LW.  Along with leaving the conversation after superficial pleasantries.

But I wouldn't worry about the young children playing together, unless something negative is overheard.  Children naturally gravitate to other children their age.    

This is making me wonder a few things
1) is the MIL's take that way and the MIL is saying it secretly condoning the ostracizing? There's a part of me that wonders if the MIL was secretly saying that somehow this was to be expected and /or she's not really supporting them.

2) I'm wondering if the LW is trying to control the interactions of their child so the child is not going to engage in any play with the offspring of kids of known homophobic people. 

MissKittyDanger

STARMOON44 said:

I think you should attend the weekend, plan to stay in a hotel or Airbnb and rent a car so you have the freedom to leave whenever you need, be polite and cool to cousin because grandma’s funeral is not a time to start something, and if your kids play together so be it but you don’t need to seek out opportunities to make that happen. I think your spouse should also stop discussing this with his mother.  “Mom we are attending grandmas funeral and that is our focus. I’m not going to talk about Cousin with you anymore.”

All of those.

You can cut family and still be civil at funerals and weddings you're both attending.

Also bolded is perfect.

kerbohl

Did they just ghost the cousin?  Or is the cousin aware that what he did was hurtful?  If he doesn't know, I'd be worried he would come up and think everything is fine, and be confused.  If they let him know that what he did was hurtful to them, then I'm all for ignoring the cousin, but let the kids play together.